I knew that he loved the sun, and even with his eyes closed his face seemed to enjoy the spray of sun that filtered thru the blinds of his room.\u00a0 If his hospital bed were closer to the window he would have seen the sun picking at the chop of the inner harbor.\u00a0 I looked for signs of recognition; but saw none.<\/p>\n
We have been together for going on fifteen years.\u00a0 When he first mentioned that sleep is his enemy <\/i>I just passed it off as an exaggeration.\u00a0 Sadly, there was more truth than fiction to his assertion.\u00a0 I was there during those many nights.\u00a0 I know<\/i>. I was there when his face would contort and shout \u201cNo!\u00a0 No, please no!\u201d in a nightmare that had captured him.\u00a0 His body would jerk, again \u201cNo, no!\u201d<\/p>\n
I would wake him slowly, \u201cIt\u2019s alright\u201d, I would say\u2026 \u201cYou\u2019re safe, you\u2019re here. There is no reason to be afraid.\u00a0 I am here.\u201d<\/p>\n
It would be easy to imagine a two headed saliva dripping monster as the source for his out cry.\u00a0 But that\u2019s not the way it was.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, where is it, where is it!\u201d\u2026 he shouted.<\/p>\n
We would talk in the morning\u2026 and over green tea he would weave the story.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis has happened to me before. It\u2019s a re-occurring theme. It\u2019s an academic nightmare.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t been in a classroom for forty years.\u00a0 And I\u2019m late for class.\u00a0 I\u2019m not even sure where the classroom is, not even sure what building to go to. I start to feel panic, the rise of nausea rising in my gut.\u00a0 There is more.\u00a0 I have skipped class all semester, done none of the reading\u2026 I can\u2019t even remember the gender of the instructor. I\u2019m thinking, \u2018well, I have age on my side, I am older than any of the other students by miles, and I just know<\/i> more.\u00a0 I will get by.\u2019\u00a0 But no, I can\u2019t bluff not<\/i> picking up a book for the entire semester. Who am I kidding?\u00a0 The anxiety builds without let up.\u00a0 I take my seat in the class.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s it? That\u2019s the ending?\u201d I ask. He would explain to me that it wasn\u2019t so much a story with a beginning, middle and an end\u2026 rather it was just a scene.\u00a0 And although it didn\u2019t sound like much, the worry terrified him.<\/p>\n
Then there was a night that his cry-out brought me from a sound sleep.\u00a0 I quickly turned on the light and he was sitting upright, and kept repeating \u201cHe was there, he was there\u2026 I know<\/i> he was there!\u201d<\/p>\n
His story couldn\u2019t wait for the morning.<\/p>\n
\u201cI walked up the stairs to my childhood home.\u00a0 It was a center hall colonial.\u00a0 There were four bedrooms around the center hall on the second floor. My bedroom was the first off the stairs on the right and my parents\u2019 bedroom was diagonally across on the left.\u00a0 I opened the door to my room, and there was my Dad sleeping in the bed closest to the door. I jumped back.\u00a0 Startled by the surprise.\u00a0 The room felt like a sauna.\u00a0 I felt every ounce of strength drain from me.\u00a0 It\u2019s the way that you would feel if you had been racked for a week with fever\u2026 I was weak all over and tried to stand.\u00a0 I slumped to the hall floor just outside the door, unable to move.\u00a0 My Dad was there<\/i>, and I was unable to move.\u201d<\/p>\n
I knew that his Dad had passed years, and years ago.\u00a0 And if there had been conflict in their relationship I can\u2019t say.\u00a0 But his expression spoke volumes, unnerved in disappointment, tears trickled down his cheeks, worry and anxiety in his eyes as he slowly shook his head from side to side.<\/p>\n
The mind is an incredible thing.\u00a0 Hear a loud sound when sleeping.\u00a0 A peal of thunder?\u00a0 A car door slamming?\u00a0 And your mind will instantly create a dream around it.<\/p>\n
One night I kept reading my book after he had turned off the light on his nightstand.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t long when he drifted into sleep.\u00a0 Before turning off my light, the car alarm next door was set off; I glanced to my left, his face seized up and he shouted as loud as I ever heard \u201cNO!\u201d\u00a0 He awoke with a start, as if forcing the vision to stop.\u00a0 He took a few deep breaths, looked at me and I said, \u201cI have just seen the face of Hell.\u201d<\/p>\n
He went on to say, \u201cEveryone thinks its horned devils with pitchforks.\u00a0 Actually, it\u2019s far more mundane\u2026 and far worse<\/i>.\u201d<\/p>\n
And now I sit in his hospital room.\u00a0 I watch him breathe.\u00a0 I hold his hand.\u00a0 I pray.\u00a0 I pray not<\/i> to see a face gripped in fear. I pray his last vision is of a warm beach, a soft curve of sand sloping to a gleaming blue sea\u2026 hearing the voices of those he loves carried in the breeze.<\/p>\n
— From the Pen of Hester Bloom<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I knew that he loved the sun, and even with his eyes closed his face seemed to enjoy the spray of sun that filtered thru the blinds of his room.\u00a0 If his hospital bed were closer to the window he … Continue reading