{"id":257,"date":"2007-03-06T19:15:24","date_gmt":"2007-03-06T23:15:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.summerofjim.com\/2007\/03\/06\/breakfast-at-the-caesars\/"},"modified":"2007-03-06T19:15:24","modified_gmt":"2007-03-06T23:15:24","slug":"breakfast-at-the-caesars","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/?p=257","title":{"rendered":"Breakfast at the Caesars"},"content":{"rendered":"

{March 6, 44BCE at the home of Gaius Julius Caesar & his wife Calpurnia… it’s morning, in the breakfast room}<\/em> <\/p>\n

CAESAR: What’s this?<\/p>\n

CALPURNIA: What does it it look like, Caesar?<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 French Toast!\u00a0 Again it’s French Toast!\u00a0 I can’t run an Empire on French Toast!\u00a0 Do you think that Alexander the Great ran his Empire on French Toast?\u00a0 I don’t think so!!\u00a0 He had eggs, rashers of bacon, link sausages, home fries, pancakes and French Toast<\/em>… and lotsa wine!\u00a0 Lots and lotsa wine! Barrels full!\u00a0 That’s how you run an Empire!<\/p>\n

CALPURNIA: Sure Caesar, eat like an elephant and you’ll look like one.\u00a0 I can’t keep letting out your togas!\u00a0 They are starting to look like bed sheets!\u00a0 Besides, Alexander kept in better shape than you do… he had the Olympic Games…<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0\u00a0Oooh boy, you’re asking for it Calpurnia… One day it’s going to be: bang, boom, & to the moon!<\/em>\u00a0 Remember one thing, Calpurnia!\u00a0 ONE THING!! In this house I am Emperor!\u00a0 In fact, in every <\/em>house I am Emperor!\u00a0 You got that Calpurnia?!\u00a0 The Emperor!!!<\/p>\n

CALPURNIA:\u00a0 Well… the Emperor better watch what’s going on in the Empire.<\/p>\n

CAESAR: What’s that supposed to mean?<\/p>\n

CALPURNIA:\u00a0 The word is that there is this new soothsayer in town and he’s not talking about Gaul or Judea…\u00a0 there are all sorts of sooths about Rome.<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 Soothsayer?\u00a0 Soothsayer?\u00a0 You listen to that garbage?\u00a0 It’s all stupid riddles and verse.\u00a0 Sure!\u00a0 sometimes they get it lucky… like a weatherman.\u00a0 Which reminds me… take a memo, “For the Senate Committee on Domestic Morale: the next time the weatherman is wrong he will be put to death.” No… make that, “put to death in a painful and hideous manner<\/em>.”\u00a0 And then we’ll see about these sayers of sooths.\u00a0 Mark my words Calpurnia!\u00a0 They’re next!\u00a0 And do you know why?!\u00a0 Do you know why, Calpurnia?\u00a0 Because I am the Emperor, that’s why!!<\/p>\n

CALPURNIA:\u00a0OK Mr. Emperor… remember my Mother is coming to visit in nine days…<\/p>\n

CAESAR: Your Mother?\u00a0 That battle axe!\u00a0 Oh no she’s not!\u00a0 <\/p>\n

CALPURNIA:\u00a0 Oh yes she is Caesar, and you’d better get used to it!<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0No she’s not!<\/p>\n

CALPURNIA:\u00a0 Every year it’s the same argument.\u00a0 You know it’s Mother’s Birthday!\u00a0 And every year you throw a tantrum kicking and screaming.\u00a0 Well, this year it’s not going to work Caesar!\u00a0 Mother is coming and that’s final!\u00a0 And<\/strong> we are going to have a proper party for her!<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0That woman is a battle axe.\u00a0 That’s what she is , Calpurnia!\u00a0 A\u00a0LOUD MOUTH<\/em>\u00a0battle axe.\u00a0 Everytime she comes here she snipes at me.\u00a0 Whatever I do is never good enough!\u00a0 Do you want a soothsayer Calpurnia?\u00a0 Here, I’ll give you a sooth: bang, boom & to the moon!\u00a0 <\/em>And besides in nine days it’s the Ides of March and I’m busy.<\/p>\n

CALPURNIA: Busy?\u00a0 Busy doing what?<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0Calpurnia you know that every Ides I go to the Lodge.<\/p>\n

CALPURNIA:\u00a0The Lodge?\u00a0\u00a0Oh, yes… I know about the\u00a0Lodge!\u00a0 You and Brutus and Cassius and the rest of your buddies… playing cards all night,\u00a0telling dirty jokes, smoking smelly cigars, drinking too much and behaving like teenagers on their first night out!\u00a0You are just going to have to tell your pals that for one night they will have to conduct their escapades without you!<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 Oh no I’m not!\u00a0 And do you know why Calpurnia??\u00a0 I’ll tell you why!\u00a0 Because I’m the Emperor that’s why!!\u00a0 And you can tell Miss\u00a0LOUD MOUTH\u00a0that I’m the Emperor, too!\u00a0 Go ahead Calpurnia!\u00a0 Plan your party… balloons and party hats, whoop dee-doo!\u00a0 But on the Ides of March the Emperor is going to the Lodge to be with his friends!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

{March 6, 44BCE at the home of Gaius Julius Caesar & his wife Calpurnia… it’s morning, in the breakfast room} CAESAR: What’s this? CALPURNIA: What does it it look like, Caesar? CAESAR:\u00a0 French Toast!\u00a0 Again it’s French Toast!\u00a0 I can’t … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-257","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ministry-of-jokes"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/257","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=257"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/257\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=257"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=257"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=257"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}