{"id":295,"date":"2007-10-10T14:48:09","date_gmt":"2007-10-10T18:48:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.summerofjim.com\/2007\/10\/10\/the-bagshot-conspiracy\/"},"modified":"2007-10-10T14:48:09","modified_gmt":"2007-10-10T18:48:09","slug":"the-bagshot-conspiracy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/?p=295","title":{"rendered":"The Bagshot Conspiracy"},"content":{"rendered":"

Even I know that the old stories can become stale\u2026 Winnie the Pooh, Wind in the Willows, Ann of Green Gables\u2026 <\/em>And if I know it, then certainly my kids did\u2026 <\/p>\n

\u201cDid I ever tell you about the time that your Grandfather busted up an international ring that had infiltrated the School Lunch Program?\u00a0 I know it sounds silly; but it\u2019s true.\u00a0 The Politburo had targeted the lunch program as the most effective way of undermining the strength of this country\u2026 and they gathered a highly committed elite group of saboteurs who were trained in Barbados.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy Father said to my Mother, \u2018Eve\u2019\u2026 he called my Mother Eve, although her real name was Frankie. Eve was just a name\u00a0that was\u00a0used inside the house; but one time Uncle Paul called her \u2018Big Frankie\u2019 and he was sent to a room in the attic for a week and was only given warm ginger ale and macaroons to eat.\u00a0 I called my Mother \u2018Mom\u201d and I avoided punishment. Aunt Lynn\u00a0only spoke French in the house, luckily for her Dad didn\u2019t (although he was fluent in Tamal, Mandarin Chinese and English as spoken in London), so if she said \u2018Grande Frankie\u2019, he didn\u2019t have a clue, so she didn\u2019t have to go to the attic, although she still had to clean dog poop from the living room.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, Dad said, \u2018Eve, we got to go to\u00a0Barbados\u2026 pack the bags, don\u2019t forget my distance slingshot, the reverse\u00a0delta penalty stun gun, 2 or 3 claymore mines and extra boxer shorts..\u2019<\/p>\n

\u201cNow most people thought that Dad was in the clothing business.\u00a0 Even I<\/strong> thought he was in the clothing business.\u00a0 But that was just his cover.\u00a0 He worked for a very small covert cell known as Group Shtup<\/em>\u2026 they made the C.I.A. look like the Cub Scouts.\u00a0 Among other things, Group Shtup was credited for organizing the trade of Babe Ruth from the Red Sox to the Yankees\u2026 but that was before my Dad joined.\u00a0 Dad was recruited out of Elementary School. He studied weapon technology, farming and\u00a0golf.\u00a0 He met my Mom at the Training Center.\u00a0 She was a\u00a0youth helicopter pilot and also the lead soprano in the Shtup Glee Club.\u00a0 They fell in love and got married after they put down the plot to move the Dodgers out of Brooklyn.\u00a0 Later the Dodgers moved anyway, and Dad’s replacement lost his job and had to become a Toll Collector on the Triboro Bridge.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not making this up\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cOK, well it turns out that Dad\u2019s Superior\u2026 \u2018the Big X\u2019 knew that Dad knew Barbados like the back of his hand.\u00a0 He and Mom would go there for vacations\u2026 Mom loved picking shells and Dad pursued his hobby of making rum, rum cake and rum hats\u2026 until he got caught by the authorities\u2026 but that\u2019s a story for a different night.<\/p>\n

\u201cDad understood how important this assignment was\u2026 he told the Big X that he wouldn\u2019t make any rum hats, he was going with one purpose in mind\u2026 wiping out the\u00a0dastardly plot to serve American School children unpopular\u00a0and tasteless lunches.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe Big X told him that the nerve center for this Organization was the dreaded Bagshot House.\u00a0 It is the place where they experimented on making horrible food and teaching algebra.\u00a0 If you are lucky you won’t have to take algebra and you can become a History Major like me.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you following this?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that why Mom makes our lunches for school?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAbsolutely\u2026 Group Shtup hasn\u2019t given the \u2018all clear\u2019 yet\u2026 and Mom and I don\u2019t want to take any chances.\u00a0 Maybe when you\u2019re in College and your protective inhibitors are fully developed it will be alright\u2026 we\u2019ll have to see.<\/p>\n

“Did Nana and Poppy kill anyone?”<\/p>\n

“They didn’t have to kill <\/em>anyone… they were neutralized… <\/em>and Dad neutralized a ton of people.\u00a0 He would give away oxford button-down shirts to the enemy.\u00a0 The shirts were mis-sized by an inch and a half at the collar… and guys would get funny marks on their necks, their eyes would bug out, they would get cluster headaches, sweat like pigs and they would get an intolerable ache in their private parts and have to walk hunched over.\u00a0 You can see a picture of a Village in the Urals, where the\u00a0Soviets made bombs,\u00a0with everyone walking hunched over!\u00a0 Dad got the Legion of the Brave with two stars for that!<\/p>\n

“They’re having mini-pizzas for school lunch on Friday.\u00a0 Do you think that Group Shtup will give the ‘all clear’ by then?”<\/p>\n

“Well… maybe.\u00a0I am still on their mailing list, get their Monthly Newsletter and get invited to the Alumni Summer Picnic.”<\/p>\n

“What’s an Alumni?”<\/p>\n

“A retired agent… although I’m not an agent… just the son of one.\u00a0 They don’t let\u00a0children and grandchildren join… but there is a good shot one of your kids could get recruited!”<\/p>\n

“Cool!\u00a0 Dad?\u00a0 Could you check tomorrow’s mail and see if it’s OK to have pizza on Friday?”<\/p>\n

“It’s a deal!\u00a0 Let’s get some sleep now… there’s busy day ahead, a terrific sandwich, a small bag of chips, carrot sticks, a clementine and a juice box!\u00a0 And we can finish this story tomorrow night.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Even I know that the old stories can become stale\u2026 Winnie the Pooh, Wind in the Willows, Ann of Green Gables\u2026 And if I know it, then certainly my kids did\u2026 \u201cDid I ever tell you about the time that … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-295","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-stories-brief-tales"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/295","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=295"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/295\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=295"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=295"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=295"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}