{"id":297,"date":"2007-10-23T12:35:23","date_gmt":"2007-10-23T16:35:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.summerofjim.com\/2007\/10\/23\/lets-change-the-subject\/"},"modified":"2007-10-23T12:35:23","modified_gmt":"2007-10-23T16:35:23","slug":"lets-change-the-subject","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/?p=297","title":{"rendered":"Let’s Change the Subject"},"content":{"rendered":"

READERS WARNING:\u00a0 <\/strong>The content of what follows may be considered, by some, as controversial<\/em>, nay,\u00a0repulsive.\u00a0 Do not feel compelled to read it.\u00a0 As the great Oliver Wendell Holmes said, and I quote, \u201cRegardless of the age, there is a little 8th<\/sup> grader that never leaves the man.\u201d\u00a0 To which I can add\u2026 it begins on the playground in the 8th<\/sup> grade, proceeds at flank speed to the locker room in high school & staggers into the fraternity house in college.\u00a0 <\/em>The piece that follows does not include my editorial endorsement\u2026 it\u2019s simply an attempt to faithfully record what transpired when four buddies got together.\u00a0 PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.<\/strong> <\/p>\n

We didn’t all agree that it was a good idea when it was first presented… and this was even with<\/em> the benefit of a whisky or two.\u00a0 You know how it is… knock back a few… the laughs come easier, the ideas are sharper, insights are more incisive.\u00a0 It doesn’t stop there… we become younger, thinner, better looking… and <\/em>there isn’t a woman who could resist\u00a0our irrepressible charms.\u00a0 Particularly when you’re the starting backfield of the Conference Champion… granted, a couple of decades removed.<\/p>\n

There we were… Walter, “nom de guerre<\/em>“: Stuffy <\/em>(because he could “stuff” it across a goal line), William: The <\/em>Hulk<\/em> <\/em>(our blocking machine), Lewis: Sweet Lew <\/em>(he of fancy moves & did it all) and me: Killer <\/em>(because I wasn’t).\u00a0 Our custom is to gather a couple of times a year to review past glories and share present day ups & downs.<\/p>\n

The location and bar tab is handled on a rotational basis.\u00a0 On the evening of the story I am about to relate, we were on my “home field”: the Ash Creek Saloon.\u00a0 I was just about to ask James for my third Wild Turkey when the William came up with his great idea, <\/em>“Why don’t we have a long turd contest?”<\/p>\n

Killer: What?<\/p>\n

Hulk:\u00a0 A long turd contest.\u00a0 We’ll all take a dump and see whose turd is the longest.<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew:\u00a0 Great!\u00a0Sorta like parallel play.\u00a0<\/em>And afterwards we can put down our special towels on the floor, listen to a story and take a nap in the solarium.<\/p>\n

Stuffy: Long turd contest? That’s disgusting!<\/p>\n

Killer: Man, that’s a new low… even for you, you disgusting pig!\u00a0 Where the fuck did you come up with that revolting idea?<\/p>\n

Hulk:\u00a0One day last week I took my normal morning dump… and I don’t remember what I had eaten… but when I get up I’m staring at one continuous turd that curved around the bowl… it was amazing!\u00a0 I didn’t want to flush it!\u00a0 It had to be a record!\u00a0 How do you think something like that happens?”<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0 Maybe it had to do with the tides…<\/p>\n

Stuffy:\u00a0 Too bad you didn’t have your cell phone.\u00a0 You could have taken a picture and sent it around.<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew:\u00a0 Yeah.\u00a0 We might have gotten you a grant from the National Endowment of the Arts.<\/p>\n

Stuffy:\u00a0 Or we could have sent it to the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine and they could have put it into their Hall of Turds<\/em>… along side of specimens from Teddy Roosevelt, Shoeless Joe Jackson & Isadora Duncan.<\/p>\n

Hulk:\u00a0 I’m serious.<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0 You’re gross.\u00a0 Let’s change the subject.\u00a0 How ’bout “What I did on summer vacation”… I’m first… I ran over a raccoon on the <\/em>Merritt Parkway<\/em>…<\/em><\/p>\n

Sweet Lew:\u00a0 Oh, that’s an improvement!<\/p>\n

Hulk:\u00a0 No… hear me out.\u00a0 This could be like\u00a0the<\/em> new thing.\u00a0 Like Fight Club<\/em>; but without the blood and loss of teeth.\u00a0 The “Long Turd Club”… to be a member you have to drop a deuce of a certain minimum length… say 18”.\u00a0 Two members have to certify the length…<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0 Oh, Jesus… I can’t believe this.<\/p>\n

Stuffy:\u00a0 I imagine it has to be a certified<\/em> bowl as well.\u00a0 Like taking a shit in the woods wouldn’t count?\u00a0 Say… I’ve been meaning to ask you, Killer… and I’m going to change the subject<\/em>…why don’t you like the New York Jets.<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0 That’s not correct.\u00a0 It’s not that I don’t like<\/em> the Jets.\u00a0 I hate <\/strong>the Jets…<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew: Uh, oh… here it starts… Tragedies of our lifetime: the War in Vietnam and the New York Jets.<\/p>\n

Killer: I’m a Colts fan!\u00a0 Need I say more?\u00a0 Super fucking <\/em>Bowl III!!\u00a0 The first NFL team to take it on the chin from the old AFL.\u00a0 You should only know the personal shame I have had to deal with all these years.<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew:\u00a0 But the Colts won the Super Bowl last year.\u00a0 Can’t you give it a rest?<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0 That can’t remove the stain.\u00a0 <\/em>Ten Super Bowls couldn’t remove the stain!\u00a0 Well… maybe ten Super Bowls could<\/em> remove the stain… that <\/em>and <\/strong>if Joe Namath appeared before the United Nations General Assembly and admitted that he was a douche bag… him and his Goddamned Fu Manchu moustache!<\/p>\n

Stuffy:\u00a0 Killer, a Fu Manchu would be a good look for you…<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0 I hate Joe Namath… the most over rated QB in the solar system.\u00a0 I hate Joe Namath and <\/strong>Mark Gastineau!\u00a0 Hulk… what do you think Coach would have done if you\u00a0did a\u00a0“celebration sack dance” after tackling a QB for a loss?\u00a0 I tell you what he would have done… he would have benched your ass!\u00a0 I hate the Jets… for all eternity.<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew:\u00a0 Tell us what you really think Killer…<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0 If my Mother, may she rest in Peace, were playing for the Jets I would hate her, too!<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew: Well, that explains a lot.\u00a0 I think that Hitler hated his Mother.<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0 Hitler’s Mother didn’t play for the Jets… and besides… he resented his Father, he loved his Mother.\u00a0 Did you know that\u00a0the Fuhrer<\/em>\u00a0was a great dancer?<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew:\u00a0 What would have happened if Hitler played for the Colts?<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0 Then I would have been seriously conflicted.\u00a0 James — another Wild Turkey please.<\/p>\n

Hulk:\u00a0 Maybe it could be a team<\/em> sport.<\/p>\n

Killer: What?<\/p>\n

Hulk:\u00a0 Well… you know… sorta like curling.\u00a0 <\/em>You know that sport… one person launches that thing, and another guy scrapes the ice in front of the thing and another sweeps the ice.\u00a0 A team.\u00a0 We could do the same thing… one guy picks out a stall, one guy drops the turd, and another guy settles the bowl down to make sure that the turd remains intact.<\/p>\n

Killer: What?<\/p>\n

Hulk: Intact.\u00a0 If the turd breaks apart it’s like falling backwards in the Long Jump pit.\u00a0 It’s worse than a foul in basketball. The turd has to be kept whole… that’s the point:\u00a0 one long, continuous, glorious turd.<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0 I’m glad we got that point cleared up. I can’t believe this…<\/p>\n

Hulk:\u00a0 That’s why the “Bowl Master” is such an important part of the team.\u00a0 Retaining the shape and length is essential.\u00a0 Water dynamics is the key.\u00a0 We need an engineering expert.\u00a0 Hey!\u00a0 Killer you went to Union College… didn’t they have an engineering department?<\/p>\n

Stuffy:\u00a0 Engineering expert?\u00a0 Well, that leaves out Lew.<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew:\u00a0 What a crushing disappointment.\u00a0 I was looking forward to measuring turds and controlling the water pressure.<\/p>\n

Stuffy:\u00a0 We’ll put you in as the first alternate… <\/em>and, for the meantime,\u00a0pencil you in as “Flush and Clean Technician”.<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew:\u00a0 Why do I think that I am getting screwed?<\/p>\n

Killer: “Flush and Clean Technician”?\u00a0 That sounds like a better position.\u00a0 I’ll bet you’ll attract all the chicks.<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew:\u00a0 Let’s change the subject.\u00a0 The Spotted Owl is making a come back.\u00a0 That means we can cut down trees again, or begin eating owls.\u00a0 Hulk… have you ever eaten owl?<\/p>\n

Hulk:\u00a0 Yes… YES<\/em>!\u00a0 I think you’re on to something!!\u00a0 Chicks!\u00a0 We’ve got to have cheerleaders!\u00a0 Sure… it’s perfect!!\u00a0 I’m sure that Carole will come down from Vermont.\u00a0 She’ll call Barbara.\u00a0 I’m sure Alison will be game…<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0What?<\/p>\n

Hulk:\u00a0 We’ve got to have cheerleaders… for the team.<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew:\u00a0 That works… take a shit, take a shit… take a loooooong shit!<\/em>\u00a0 They can work out the dance steps.<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0 Wait a second.\u00a0 You keep talking team.\u00a0 This still sounds like an individual sport to me.<\/p>\n

Hulk:\u00a0 Killer you wound me.\u00a0 It’s about the team<\/em>.\u00a0 I see leagues popping up all over.\u00a0 “in-town” teams, “travel” teams… who knows?\u00a0 Maybe it could become an Olympic Sport.<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0 You know what I think?\u00a0 There are evenings like this when I am grateful that Kentucky is a part of the Union… and I have a ready access to Bourbon.\u00a0 William, friend… teammate… I think that you should go home, fill your bathtub with warm tapioca pudding and sit in it ’til this episode passes.\u00a0 Then you should get up, pick up your\u00a0hand held Stop Sign\u00a0and go to the cross walk and help the kids cross the street.<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew:\u00a0 I like the idea of leagues.\u00a0 Sorta like dart teams being sponsored by saloons and bars.\u00a0 It would be fun… like Tuesday night could be “Turd Night.”\u00a0 the location shifts each week.\u00a0 the Home Team supplies the\u00a0buffalo wings\u00a0and TP.<\/p>\n

Killer: It’s time to change subjects.\u00a0 Resolved:\u00a0<\/em>FDR was the first President to wear boxer shorts.<\/p>\n

Stuffy:\u00a0 It’s a Democrat thing.\u00a0 Hilary Clinton wears boxer shorts, too.<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew:\u00a0 It’s OK.\u00a0 J. Edgar Hoover dressed in drag and Joe Namath wore panty hose in December games.<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0I hate Joe Namath.\u00a0 Maybe he should be made the Commissioner of the North American Long Turd Federation.\u00a0 Perfect.\u00a0 Commissioner of Shit.<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew:\u00a0 Let’s not get started…<\/p>\n

Hulk:\u00a0 Do you think that style points<\/em> should be awarded for the colour of the turd?<\/p>\n

Stuffy:\u00a0Colour and <\/em>pattern.\u00a0 Triple bonus points if the turd is in a recognizable pattern… houndstooth, check, herringbone… <\/p>\n

Hulk:\u00a0 I think that it should be aesthetic as well as athletic.<\/p>\n

Stuffy:\u00a0That sounds too close to rhythmic gymnastics and ballroom dancing.\u00a0 You may have to count me out.<\/p>\n

Hulk:\u00a0 This should be an uplifting and cleansing <\/em>sport.\u00a0 A sport that involves pride &\u00a0the senses… a sport\u00a0steeped in rich historical tradition.<\/p>\n

Killer: This should be good…<\/p>\n

Hulk:\u00a0It began with the Greek guy who ran all the way from the Battlefield at Marathon to the Athens.\u00a0 It was thought that he ran the 26+ miles to bring news of the Greek Victory\u00a0over the Persians.\u00a0 That’s the traditional<\/em> view… But<\/strong><\/em>, in truth, the reason he ran all that way was that he had “to go”… he couldn’t find a decent bathroom… just the kind like they have in England, with the tank above and you crap on to a dry shelf…<\/p>\n

Stuffy:\u00a0 *uch*\u00a0 I hate those toilets…<\/p>\n

Hulk:\u00a0 Yeah, the Greek guy didn’t like it either.\u00a0 So\u00a0he had to hold it in, see.\u00a0\u00a0He ran all that way… the guy barely made it to Athens.\u00a0 He took the biggest dump of his life and then died.\u00a0\u00a0To this day in\u00a0Greece he is\u00a0known more for his shit then for running the distance.\u00a0 Go ahead… ask any Greek who Pheidippides is and they’ll say, “are you shitting me?”\u00a0 See?\u00a0 Tradition!<\/p>\n

Stuffy:\u00a0 Before this goes too far a field, I just want to say right now… that if the Team goes overseas I am not taking a shit in any English toilet, even if it would make the measurement phase easier.\u00a0 That’s final!\u00a0 If those guys want to compete… they got to come here!!\u00a0 American Standard all the way, baby!<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0The next subject for discussion: “the tickle treatment and its use as an instrument of torture.”\u00a0 <\/em>The tickle treatment goes back to the Spanish Inquisition.\u00a0 They would begin tickling you, and tickling you… you couldn’t repent if you wanted to, you were laughing so hard!\u00a0 You’d be laughing so much that it hurt and you couldn’t feel a thing when they ripped out your finger nails\u00a0and poured hot molten silver into your eyes and ears.<\/p>\n

Stuffy:\u00a0 For real?\u00a0 The way I got it figured… this Inquisition guy just liked to hear Jews laugh.<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew:\u00a0 Forget about that.\u00a0 When do we start training?\u00a0 The great thing about this sport is there is no age restriction!<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0 I have this vision of Adolph Hitler, wearing a Jets uniform, taking a shit while eating a Spotted Owl.<\/p>\n

Stuffy:\u00a0 I thought he was a vegetarian.<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew:\u00a0 I have this vision:\u00a0 Joe Namath dressed in a spotted owl suit, having lunch with\u00a0Adolph Hitler watching a tape of Super Bowl III.<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0 That really hurt.<\/p>\n

Stuffy:\u00a0 Boys… I don’t think this is going to work.\u00a0 It’s too controversial.\u00a0 Maybe we could form a “Fart Team”… I think that would be more acceptable… more main stream… <\/em>easier to get commercial tie-ins and endorsement contracts.\u00a0 Geeze, Killer… you could give up your day job and become a touring pro!<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew:\u00a0 Does this mean that we have to give up the cheerleaders?<\/p>\n

Stuffy:\u00a0 Absolutely not!\u00a0 I’ll call Carole tomorrow…<\/p>\n

Hulk:\u00a0 If anyone wants to see my last dump, I left a\u00a0qualifying example in the john… stall on the right.<\/p>\n

Killer:\u00a0 That’s good news… I was sort of disappointed that we didn’t get to see the prize winner that was the source of your inspiration.<\/p>\n

Sweet Lew:\u00a0 Let’s change the subject.\u00a0 Killer, would you like another Wild Turkey?\u00a0 You’re buying!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

READERS WARNING:\u00a0 The content of what follows may be considered, by some, as controversial, nay,\u00a0repulsive.\u00a0 Do not feel compelled to read it.\u00a0 As the great Oliver Wendell Holmes said, and I quote, \u201cRegardless of the age, there is a little … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-297","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-the-ash-creek-bourbon-conversation-corner"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/297","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=297"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/297\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=297"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=297"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=297"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}