\u201cWould you be so kind\u00a0as to please pass the Port?\u201d <\/p>\n
Here we go.\u00a0I wish I could leave the table. \u201cWould you be so kind…\u201d He sounds like a supercilious idiot.\u00a0On one\u00a0occasion somebody\u00a0said I had a \u201csupercilious\u201d manner. I didn’t know what it meant, and then I forgot to look it up. Anyway, how can you look something up if you don’t know how to spell it? I still don’t know what it means. But this jerk has to be supercilious! \u201cWould you be so kind…\u201d Give me a break. <\/em><\/p>\n “What a charming etched decanter!\u00a0 Is it an antique?”<\/p>\n Look at him fix his shirt cuffs! Nice cuff links… if you work for the mob or are a pimp! Look how big they are! They are the size of\u00a0gold strawberries!. I bet he is wearing gold chains, too. He wants everyone to stare at his big gold cuff links. Isn’t everyone impressed?\u00a0 “Charming etched decanter.”\u00a0 Oh, God… I’m getting sick.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cAnd what is the Vintage are we going to experience tonight?”<\/p>\n Experience?\u00a0 I thought we\u00a0were going to drink it.\u00a0 Maybe he is going to rub some into his scalp.\u00a0 No.\u00a0 He’s probably\u00a0wearing a hair piece.\u00a0 Maybe just a dab behind each ear?\u00a0 Can cuff links be supercilious?<\/em><\/p>\n “Vintage Port is not made every year.\u00a0 The weather has to be just right.\u00a0 A cold wet winter sets the stage.\u00a0 Spring must be hospitable when the buds appear on the vine.\u00a0 Summer, beastly hot.\u00a0 Just a touch of rain in late August or early September… this helps plump up the grapes.\u00a0 Then bone dry for harvest.\u00a0 If all those things happen we are well on the way to making Vintage Port.\u00a0 After 16 months aging in wood, the wine will be presented to a Panel of Tasters from the Port Wine Institute for approval… if it is deemed worthy… Voila!\u00a0 Vintage Port!'”<\/p>\n Voila!\u00a0 I’d like a ginger ale.\u00a0 Or maybe a whisky.<\/em><\/p>\n “You say we’re going to have a 1963 Graham’s? Oh, my, my!!”<\/p>\n Everyone look under the table.\u00a0 I bet he has an errection!<\/em><\/p>\n “Graham’s 1963!\u00a0 It’s one of the greatest Post-War Vintages.\u00a0 What a treat.\u00a0 Perfect weather conditions for making perfect Port.”<\/p>\n Oh joy… get ready for a weather report from 45 years ago.\u00a0Can someone pass the cheese tray before it rains.<\/em><\/p>\n “The winter had a goodly amount of rain and snow.\u00a0 But the vineyards were well dry by late April.\u00a0 The rest of the spring was a bit wet; but not overly so.\u00a0 Then a glorious summer of dry sunny days!\u00a0 And then as if on cue… a light rain in Mid-September.\u00a0 And then a dry harvest!”<\/p>\n 1963?\u00a0Wasn’t it sunny in <\/em>Dallas<\/em>?\u00a0 Can a hair piece be supercilious?<\/em><\/p>\n “And now… to the wine.\u00a0 A deep ‘robe’, with colour beginning to fade at the rim.\u00a0 That’s to be expected!\u00a0 You’d be fading at the rim after 45 years, too!\u00a0 Ha, ha.”<\/p>\n A hair piece and<\/u> a wit!\u00a0 I think I need that whisky now.\u00a0 Fuck the Port.<\/em><\/p>\n “Let the aromas cascade over you.\u00a0 Taste the rich sinuous fruit, excellent concentration and\u00a0depth of flavour… and this is the stunning part:\u00a0finesse and elegance.\u00a0 Feel the liquid coat your palate.\u00a0 The texture?\u00a0 It’s like a silky cream.\u00a0 What breeding, what power!\u00a0This is a mere babe!\u00a0 It has decades remaining.”<\/p>\n I felt the table move and lift.\u00a0 He definitely has a major league “woody”.\u00a0 I think the women are beginning to blush.\u00a0 A “mere babe”?\u00a0 This guy is a wine pedophile!\u00a0 A piece of dung hiding behind a fancy shirt and gold cuff links!<\/em><\/p>\n “I happen to have Decanter Magazine’s<\/em> review of this wine: ‘Remarkably youthful and vibrant, classic Graham richness is offset by crisp acidity lingering onto the finish.\u00a0 A brilliant wine now but will develop for 20 years plus'”<\/p>\n Decanter Magazine?\u00a0 I have an original issue of the first Dick Tracy Comic Book.\u00a0 Mint condition.\u00a0 I have it in the car.\u00a0 Maybe I should bring it in?\u00a0 I happen to have a review that was posted on eBay.<\/em><\/p>\n “And for the gentlemen at the table I have brought has some extraordinary Havanas\u00a0that I picked up on my last trip to Moscow.\u00a0 Exquisite cigars to enjoy with a breathtaking Port.”<\/p>\n Cigars?\u00a0 Cigars?!\u00a0 Poke me in the eye with a hot stick! Lucky\u00a0that I\u00a0have brought along my personal supply of farts.\u00a0 And I am now going to add to my reserve.\u00a0 I am going to ask the hostess, if she would be so kind<\/u>, considering that I have an acute cholesterol sensitivity, in lieu of the cheese tray, if she could get me a vegetable medley plate\u00a0of garbanzo beans, brussel sprouts and cauliflower… and a small side portion of greasy pork chops.\u00a0 Thank you.<\/em><\/p>\n “My oh my.\u00a0 It can’t get any better than this!”<\/p>\n Wait ’til I summon a fart.\u00a0 It will be like a cherry on the sundae. <\/em><\/p>\n “I hope that you are enjoying this as much as I am.\u00a0 I would like to extend my thanks to our host and hostess.\u00a0 Please join me\u00a0in raising\u00a0a glass in praise of a wonderful dinner, wonderful wine, wonderful company… and a wonderful and gracious host and hostess!”<\/p>\n “Here, here!\u00a0 And please pass the Port.\u00a0 By the by, do you happen to know the correct spelling of the word ‘supercilious’?”<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cWould you be so kind\u00a0as to please pass the Port?\u201d Here we go.\u00a0I wish I could leave the table. \u201cWould you be so kind…\u201d He sounds like a supercilious idiot.\u00a0On one\u00a0occasion somebody\u00a0said I had a \u201csupercilious\u201d manner. I didn’t know … Continue reading