{"id":344,"date":"2009-03-30T17:05:41","date_gmt":"2009-03-30T21:05:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.summerofjim.com\/2009\/03\/30\/mandrake-wanted-the-gooseberry-pie\/"},"modified":"2009-03-30T17:05:41","modified_gmt":"2009-03-30T21:05:41","slug":"mandrake-wanted-the-gooseberry-pie","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/?p=344","title":{"rendered":"Mandrake Wanted the Gooseberry Pie"},"content":{"rendered":"

To call\u00a0the scene the\u00a0aftermath<\/em>\u00a0hardly\u00a0did it justice.\u00a0 I would say that it was somewhere between the shaken focus of the Rolling Stones album cover of that name… something that might have been attributed to a mild hallucinogenic\u00a0used\u00a0to create its distorted image of Mick & crew; and a photograph of Dresden after the Allies had fire bombed it.\u00a0 If pressed, it was a lot closer to the utterly destroyed and gutted Dresden. <\/p>\n

It had probably been a simple tasteless room.\u00a0 A meeting place that could serve as a lunch room for a warehouse facility?\u00a0 Linoleum floors, suspended fluorescent fixtures… the kind with the long tubes that forecast their demise by “humming”, bare walls… or walls that would have\u00a0had bad art, or dumb and dated photos.<\/p>\n

The two six foot tables that had been put together were now separated by a good yard and half.\u00a0 Only two of the cheap folding chairs that had surrounded the tables were left in an upright position. The paper tablecloth that had served as decoration and protection<\/em> for the tables lay in a twisted mass.\u00a0 A side table was\u00a0on its side. The table lamp totally busted.\u00a0 Spiral notebooks everywhere.\u00a0 Pens, markers. Two smashed, very expensive\u00a0film cameras.\u00a0 A boom mike and a\u00a0camera tripod standing like gothic\u00a0spires.\u00a0Shattered lighting tubes, their glass slivers covering every\u00a0part of the room.\u00a0 <\/p>\n

The props that had been added to lend a “homey” atmosphere to the otherwise stark room: a globe, a glass cocktail table, incidental ceramic figurines, two faux flower arrangements — all broken and\/or mangled.\u00a0 A bookcase, upturned… its weathered volumes scattered.<\/p>\n

Then\u00a0a few\u00a0personal\u00a0items… two pair of eye glasses, one reading, one all purpose, a pack of cigarettes,\u00a0a cell phone, car keys and a plastic comb.\u00a0 <\/p>\n

A mish-mosh heap\u00a0of pie crust and its fruit contents… All giving\u00a0evidence of the worst food fight of your life.\u00a0 <\/p>\n

And blood.\u00a0Much of it. Human, not simian<\/em>… that’s what happens when you try and break up a fight between a Western Red Colobus and a Capuchin. The smell?\u00a0 The underlying rich sweetness was unmistakable… but it was the\u00a0gamey scent and\u00a0smell of blood that\u00a0pervaded the scene of carnage.<\/p>\n

I was told that it all happened in\u00a0less than 20\u00a0minutes.\u00a0 Talk to other folks, and that’s all it takes in a good bar fight.\u00a0 You can imagine it.\u00a0 Two guys fueled by Guinness,\u00a0arguing about who was the better QB, Joe Montana or Steve Young…\u00a0the next thing you know\u00a0it’s bar stools being thrown and the gendarmes<\/em> are being called in.<\/p>\n

Mrs.\u00a0Alston was there because she made pies.\u00a0 Not that she expected fame from baking her pies in Shelburne, VT.\u00a0 But you never know how your life will turn when Steven Spielberg takes a shine to your strawberry-rhubarb pie.\u00a0 That was her good luck, or bad, depending on how you look at it.\u00a0 What’s a little blood?<\/p>\n

Anyway, Mr. Spielberg was paying.\u00a0 How could Mrs.\u00a0Alston say no?\u00a0 Before sun up one Thursday, she packed up her Volvo station wagon with the 15 pies she had baked\u00a0on Tuesday and Wednesday,\u00a0and headed south to a location in Westchester County.\u00a0 Two each… strawberry-rhubarb, cherry, blueberry, Dutch apple, peach, lemon meringue,\u00a0Boston cream\u00a0and a single gooseberry pie.\u00a0 She hadn’t been given too many details… “bring your wonderful pies Mrs. A, we’re\u00a0shooting a trailer for a new film and we’d love for you to be part of it.\u00a0 You will be well paid.”\u00a0 Sure.\u00a0 Mrs.\u00a0Alston even made an extra strawberry-rhubarb for Steven.<\/p>\n

The subject of the film was about apes or monkeys.\u00a0 Not exactly<\/em> a remake of Planet of the Apes<\/em>, she was told.\u00a0 Tim\u00a0Burton had already done that in 2001.\u00a0 Mrs.\u00a0Alston hadn’t seen the original film\u00a0that was released in\u00a01968… and she didn’t know who this Tim Burton fellah was either.\u00a0 She didn’t even know what a film trailer <\/em>was (“isn’t it someplace to live?”).\u00a0 Mrs. A knew pies.\u00a0 Pies and children… she raised\u00a0seven kids.<\/p>\n

I think you know where this is going.\u00a0 Even if Mrs. A didn’t.<\/p>\n

Call it her Yankee <\/em>trait.\u00a0 Be punctual… meaning, get there before<\/em> you were expected.\u00a0 Be neat… meaning a dark ankle length skirt, a subdued buttoned blouse with a high collar, a protective smock (she was serving pies after all), rimless glasses, grey hair in a tight bun kept in place by two steadfast pins and sensible shoes with a thick heel.\u00a0 Be polite… meaning say “good morning”, “please” and “thank you.”\u00a0 Mrs.\u00a0Alston was certainly all that.<\/p>\n

Steven Spielberg greeted her with a smile, he raised his ball cap, “Nice to see you again Mrs. Alston!”\u00a0 He had to shake his head in disbelief, how good is this?\u00a0 She looks like she answered the casting call for one of the Brewster Sisters in <\/em>Arsenic and Old Lace or Mrs. Wilberforce in <\/em>The Lady Killers!<\/em><\/p>\n

“Good morning<\/em>, Steven.”\u00a0 And without pause, Mrs. Alston and her pies were escorted into the decorated room where she\u00a0set up on the side table and began to slice her pieces into perfectly portioned wedges.\u00a0 There was a lot of activity going on, camera people, sound people, lighting people,\u00a0folks setting the table with plates, folks putting the finishing touches to the background props.\u00a0 The room when empty was probably large… but with all the goings on, the room became quite\u00a0small.\u00a0 Not that Mrs. Alston minded, she was used to working in a kitchen with seven kids rousting about.<\/p>\n

When Mrs. A had nearly completely her preparations, a door opened and the monkeys were brought into the room… the\u00a0New <\/em>World Monkeys:\u00a0<\/em>a Marmoset, a Capuchin and a Tamarin.\u00a0The Old<\/em> World Monkeys: a Baboon, a Mandrill, a Japanese Macaque and a Western Red Colobus.\u00a0 And each monkey had his or her own handler.<\/p>\n

The room got smaller<\/em> still.<\/p>\n

Mrs. Alston looked on and smiled.\u00a0 She counted them out and her eyes lit up!\u00a0 The crew watched her expression in awe.\u00a0 A sound guy whispered to Spielberg’s Assistant, “I bet she thinks they’re little kids in monkey costumes!”<\/p>\n

She clasped her hands to her breast, “My oh my, aren’t they precious!”\u00a0 And then she began to pick out each one with an identifying name, “Francine, Robert, Milton, Virginia, Mandrake, Felicity and Featherstone.” This, of course, without knowing the names that had already been given to these monkeys.\u00a0 Presumably, these were the names of her children.\u00a0 It was also\u00a0presumed<\/em>\u00a0that her name placement was arbitrary… or was there something in the Macaque that reminded her of Virginia?\u00a0 Or why Mandrake for the Mandrill?<\/p>\n

Spielberg’s camera men didn’t need to be told “Action!” or “Roll ’em!”.\u00a0They began filming as soon as Mrs. A had entered with her pies.\u00a0 The cost of running extra film is not an over riding concern for a Spielberg Production.\u00a0 Making a great film is the concern.\u00a0 You do whatever it takes. Besides, Spielberg could approach a big studio with an idea of making a film about Silly Putty and he would have a budget of\u00a075 million dollars the next day.\u00a0 Such is Spielberg’s reputation in Hollywood.<\/p>\n

The handlers got the monkeys in their seats, and Mrs. Alston began serving each a piece of pie.\u00a0 While the monkeys appeared nervous and fidgety, the same could not be said for Mrs. Alston.\u00a0 She hummed to herself in a happy and contented way, “Robert, some\u00a0Dutch apple\u00a0for you… your favorite. Milton stop fussing and\u00a0don’t fool me! I know you love gooseberry.”\u00a0 And she hummed her way thru the table, always bestowing a comment to each monkey, “Virginia you look so cute this morning, I love what you have done with your hair… and Mandrake!\u00a0 Do you think that I would forget how much you love Boston cream pie?”<\/p>\n

It can also be presumed<\/em> that this was not the first time these monkeys had met.\u00a0 Undoubtedly other scenes had already been filmed. Pecking orders, alliances and rivalries were probably already established.\u00a0 Although on this morning\u00a0you could\u00a0sense that\u00a0both the monkeys and their handlers\u00a0would rather have been someplace else.\u00a0 Mandrake looked at his Boston cream and then stared over at Milton at the other end of the table.<\/p>\n

With each monkey served some pie, and without direction or prompting from anybody, Mrs. Alston folded her hands, dropped her head and said firmly, “Felicity, will you please<\/em> lead us in prayers.”<\/p>\n

The crew looked on it amazement.\u00a0 Who planned on this?<\/p>\n

Mandrake did not wait for prayers to finish.\u00a0 He looked at his Boston cream… he looked at Milton… he jumped on the table,\u00a0standing up\u00a0in all his glory… largest of the monkeys, blue and red\u00a0highlights on his muzzle, a red penis, a\u00a0lilac coloured scrotum and a blue tush\u00a0(and here you thought that Ozzy Osbourne was original)… looking quite agitated.<\/p>\n

Mrs. Alston wasted no time, “Mandrake!\u00a0 Get down from the table right now, thank you <\/em>very much!\u00a0 And for goodness sakes, put on a pair of pants!”\u00a0 And she punctuated her chastisement by whacking him on the arm with her Tiffany pie server.<\/p>\n

Tina, the Mandrill’s handler, now stepped into intercede.\u00a0 Too slow.<\/p>\n

Mandrake’s multi-coloured appearance now intensified (later it was learned that a dominant male Mandrill’s heightened colour was the result of sexual arousal — Virginia, Francine, Felicity… Tina or Mrs. Alston? threat to territory, pie selection\u00a0or just being pissed at Milton).<\/p>\n

Mandrake, objecting to being struck with the pie server, snatched it from the stunned Mrs. Alston and turned on the diminutive handler, hitting her repeatedly in the head with the Tiffany heirloom, opening a serious gash in the young lady’s head.<\/p>\n

Milton, second in size to the Mandrill, was intent on defending his turf, pounded on the table and jumped up and down on his chair, screeched loudly, opened his mouth revealing a set of sharp and angry looking canine teeth.\u00a0 Mandrake would take none of it.\u00a0 Matching Milton’s gestures one for one… he then stomped his feet, first squishing his Boston cream and then flattening Featherstone’s peach pie.<\/p>\n

The Colubus eluded his handler and jumped over to the side table that had the extra pies and indiscriminately began heaving slices of Mrs. A’s best in every which direction.\u00a0 Sensing that the situation was rapidly deteriorating, Spielberg’s handler<\/em> decided that it was best to get the Master Director out of harm’s way… and took him out of the room… Spielberg suffering nothing worse than being hit with pie shrapnel.<\/p>\n

The Tamarin and the Marmoset leaped from their seats to the overhead fixtures.\u00a0 Climbing the wires, dodging pie slices being thrown by Robert, jumping from one fixture to the next, over to the boom mike, back to the fixtures,\u00a0the fluorescent tubes began popping, glass raining down on the table, the handlers, the crew… even on Mrs. Alston.\u00a0 That’s when Mrs. A picked up a glass ashtray, “Featherstone! Get down here this instant!” and heaved it upward, missing the Marmoset, missing the overhead fixtures, but catching Maheesh, one of the handlers, on the\u00a0ashtray’s downward path, square in the snoot.\u00a0 More blood.<\/p>\n

The handlers, it can be presumed<\/em>, had their<\/em> own pecking order, alliances and rivalries. And this had\u00a0an effect in how they tried to restore order in the room.\u00a0 Angry words led to shoves… and the inevitable punches being thrown and blood being drawn.<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, the main event was clearly Mandrake and Milton… no longer satisfied with standing on the table, stepping on pieces of pie and glaring at each other, the Mandrill and the Baboon got\u00a0busy chasing around the room,\u00a0oblivious to any of the humans present.\u00a0 Screeching, showing their teeth, stopping only long enough to throw a book, a table lamp… or anything else they could pick up.\u00a0 By this time most of the crew had fled to the safety of other rooms… leaving their expensive equipment in peril.\u00a0 For the big Baboon and Mandrill, just more ammunition at their disposal!<\/p>\n

It should also be noted that din was considerable… the breaking and crashing, the humans yelling, the monkeys screeching.\u00a0 And the room, with the heavy lighting in the fairly close quarters, and\u00a0with all the physical activity, was getting exceedingly hot.\u00a0 <\/p>\n

Given the confines of the space, you would think that it wouldn’t take long for the handlers to bring their charges to heel.\u00a0 But you try and bring a Tamarin down from ceiling fixtures when it doesn’t want to come down… and that’s exactly what Maheesh was trying to do.\u00a0 Standing on the table, fighting thru the pain of a bloodied and busted nose, he tried coaxing<\/p>\n

Francine down, only to slip on some cherry pie, lose his balance and fall first to the table, and then to the floor.\u00a0 In no time, Milton jumped on him and began to\u00a0pummel the crap\u00a0out of him.\u00a0 Mandrake joined the scrum… and that didn’t make Milton happy. <\/p>\n

Mrs. Alston also wasn’t happy, “I don’t like this behavior!”\u00a0She set her eyebrows to a scowl and\u00a0removed\u00a0the pins from her bun and tried to\u00a0stab Milton\u00a0or Mandrake; but\u00a0only succeeded in\u00a0stabbing Maheesh, who didn’t need an additional adversary or loss of more blood\u00a0at that time.<\/p>\n

Maybe it was just a matter of time before the monkeys tired of their fun.\u00a0 Or maybe they were just tired… tired or bored.\u00a0 But eventually the humans were able to gain control of the room… just about the time the paramedics arrived on the scene.<\/p>\n

The medics surveyed the damages.\u00a0“I think I’ll call this a victory for the other<\/em> team.”<\/p>\n

A camera man was heard muttering, “Never again.\u00a0 This made filming the Omaha Beach scene in Saving Private Ryan<\/em> look like a stroll in the park.”<\/p>\n

When asked what started it all, a sound guy just shook his head, “The one with the funny coloured face didn’t like his pie… it just went down hill from there.”<\/p>\n

Mrs. Alston had no interest in a curtain call.\u00a0 She scanned the room with a well-I-never<\/em> expression, she re-situated her hair pins, took off her smock (ignoring fragments of crust, fruit and blood), she straightened her blouse, made sure that her skirt was falling properly and proceeded to the door.<\/p>\n

Before reaching the exit, one of Spielberg’s assistants hurried to her, “Ma’am, I think this is yours.” and handed her the Tiffany pie server.<\/p>\n

Mrs. Alston looked at it. Glared at the assistant. Took it with a well-I-never <\/em>expression and said, “Thank you<\/em>.”<\/p>\n

The defining observation for the morning went to the battered Maheesh.\u00a0 As the medic made the necessary repairs, Francine’s handler simply said, “The monkeys were nothing.\u00a0 But that pie lady nearly killed me!”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

To call\u00a0the scene the\u00a0aftermath\u00a0hardly\u00a0did it justice.\u00a0 I would say that it was somewhere between the shaken focus of the Rolling Stones album cover of that name… something that might have been attributed to a mild hallucinogenic\u00a0used\u00a0to create its distorted image … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-344","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-stories-brief-tales"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/344","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=344"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/344\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=344"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=344"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=344"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}