Sandy\u00a0wasn’t keen on\u00a0the idea at first. \u00a0I told her about the abundance of potassium contained in bananas. I admit it… I\u00a0was trying to wean her off those expensive potassium pills she buys on aisle #1 in Stop & Shop. <\/p>\n
Yes, she is concerned with health and nutrition.\u00a0 OK, she agreed that bananas are good for us, even if they were not her thing… <\/em>but, after all,\u00a0there would be a clear benefit, at least to me<\/em>.\u00a0 And yes, maybe she would try one or two; but only with cornflakes and milk.<\/p>\n An unforeseen problem ensued.\u00a0 You have to understand this about Sandy: she hates fruit flies.\u00a0 <\/em>Last year we were “invaded” (her word) by the pests, and it was determined that my <\/em>bananas (ripening to perfection on the kitchen counter) were the cause.\u00a0 Alright, we got one of those dumb wooden banana holders, and the bananas and\u00a0their holder <\/em>were\u00a0exiled to a shelf in the garage.\u00a0 <\/p>\n Sorry, I thought this was inappropriate.\u00a0 Bananas need good air.\u00a0 And besides that wooden thing looked like a gibbet.\u00a0 <\/em>It didn’t look like we were ripening bananas… it looked like we had executed them.<\/p>\n But, like Pharaoh, her heart was hardened.\u00a0 My complaints fell on deaf ears.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n Then she just put on this surprised <\/em>expression when I had nine fake banana trees installed in our backyard.\u00a0 I picked them up second hand\u00a0from a set design company (it’s amazing what you can find on the internet). I explained to her that the space between our deck and the stone wall was a perfect location for a banana grove.\u00a0 Where else would we put it?\u00a0 In the bathroom?\u00a0 She conceded that if we had to have a banana grove, it was the best place for it.<\/p>\n I felt better… now when we return from our Sunday grocery shopping, I climb a ladder and fix a bunch to one of our trees!\u00a0 Perfect.\u00a0 Anytime I want a banana, I simply go out to the yard and pluck one from a tree!<\/p>\n Beautiful bunch of ripe banana<\/em><\/p>\n Daylight come an’ me wan’ go home<\/em><\/p>\n Hide the deadly black tarantula<\/em><\/p>\n Daylight come an’ me wan’ go home<\/em><\/p>\n Fake banana trees?\u00a0 And look at this… fake tarantulas!\u00a0 What’s a banana tree without a lurking tarantula? I love it! You can find anything on the internet!\u00a0\u00a0 <\/p>\n But it took considerable persuasion on my part to convince her to take the next logical step and\u00a0extend our hospitality to a Silverback Lowland Gorilla.\u00a0 And not<\/em>\u00a0some stuffed Steiff toy either.<\/p>\n It happened this way.\u00a0 <\/p>\n Bridgeport’s Beardsley Zoo has been experiencing some financial difficulty. A combination\u00a0of the economic downturn and steep budget cuts imposed by\u00a0Bridgeport Mayor, Bill Finch, have had a serious impact\u00a0on Zoo\u00a0operations.\u00a0 This year the Zoo’s Foundation\u00a0launched Project Outreach<\/em>.\u00a0\u00a0One of the\u00a0programs developed within Project Outreach was\u00a0to allow for certain animals to be placed in private homes for an over night\u00a0or weekend stay. For a set fee private citizens could enroll in “Take A Friend Home”.\u00a0\u00a0And then, there would be an additional fee depending on the size and type of animal, for a night or weekend stay.<\/p>\n For the Zoo it was a “win-win”… decrease<\/em> the overhead in caring for animals, and increase<\/em> revenue from the fees generated\u00a0in the “Take A Friend Home” program.\u00a0 I checked out the Beardsley web site… checked out the Take A Friend Home program… checked out the list of available animals and their costs.<\/p>\n $125 one time registration fee. $500 for a weekend with a Silverback Lowland Gorilla. Done!!<\/p>\n *********<\/p>\n “This is Moses.”<\/p>\n “Why is he wearing an Eisenhower jacket?”<\/p>\n “I picked it up at the Newtown Consignment Shop on Route 25.\u00a0 I judge it to be circa <\/em>Korean War.\u00a0 I had the sleeves lengthened.\u00a0 Looks good, no?\u00a0 I didn’t want the neighbors to complain that we had a naked <\/em>gorilla in our yard.”<\/p>\n I know what you are thinking… this was not a very good idea.\u00a0 To me this was no big deal.\u00a0 First, Sandy has gone on record as saying “no” to cats (I was fine with that), and “no” to dogs (that pinched; but I understood why, and agreed)… but she had never said “no” to gorillas.<\/p>\n Next, I felt that we would be doing something good for Bridgeport.\u00a0 It is the City where Sandy has worked for twenty plus years.\u00a0 And Lord knows that Bridgeport needs help!<\/p>\n Finally, I knew that a Lowland Gorilla would give authenticity to our banana grove. At least for a weekend.<\/p>\n “I find his name offensive<\/em>.”<\/p>\n “Well”, I pointed out, “we <\/em>didn’t name him. They<\/em> did.”<\/p>\n “I don’t care.\u00a0 It’s a sacrilege to name a gorilla after our greatest<\/em> Prophet of all time!\u00a0 I am not going to call him ‘Moses’.\u00a0 I’m going to call him Maishe<\/em>!”<\/p>\n “OK.\u00a0 Maishe works for me.” It may sound “ghetto”.\u00a0 Well it is!\u00a0 Jewish Ghetto<\/em>!\u00a0Maishe is simply the Yiddish diminutive for Moses.\u00a0 But I got to wondering if Sandy<\/em> was named after our greatest<\/em> left hander of all time.\u00a0 That thought could hold for another day.<\/p>\n “And what’s all that stuff in the back of your car?”<\/p>\n “I stopped off at the market and bought 10 bunches of bananas, 4 bunches of broccoli rabe, 2 bunches of fennel, oh… and a pound of cherries for you, they were on special.\u00a0 Then I stopped off at the garden place next to San Remos and laid in a supply of broad leaf ferns and pachysandra.”<\/p>\n “Will Maishe eat ferns and pachysandra?”<\/p>\n “No, the ferns and the pachysandra are for his bedding.\u00a0 Gorillas make nests in the ground from leaves and branches every night.\u00a0 The pachysandra probably won’t be of much use on this <\/em>visit…” I let this thought linger for a fraction of a second, “… But the ferns and available small shrubs should be adequate <\/em>for now<\/em>.”\u00a0 And then I put in, “I just don’t want him getting into my mint.”<\/p>\n “And just where is our guest<\/em> going to go potty<\/em>?”<\/p>\n “In the yard next door.\u00a0\u00a0The Henderson’s have\u00a0gone to Nantucket for the summer.\u00a0 Besides, gorillas are very clean animals.\u00a0 They don’t shit where they eat or sleep.\u00a0 After Maishe and I knock off a few bananas, I’ll go next door and take a dump behind the Henderson’s maxi rhododendron.\u00a0 Maishe will get the idea.\u00a0 If you want… you can take a dump there, too.\u00a0 Think of it as\u00a0primate bonding.”<\/p>\n After our Saturday breakfast of bananas and more bananas, Sandy asked what I intended to do with Maishe for the day.\u00a0\u00a0“I thought it might be fun to expose Maishe to a little\u00a0taste of\u00a0Woodbury charm.\u00a0 Take in a few tag sales, the local framer’s market {all organic<\/em>}, perhaps a bit of antiquing.\u00a0 That sort of thing.”<\/p>\n No, I came up with an even better <\/em>idea… why not introduce him to some of our constabulary?\u00a0 That’s the ticket!\u00a0 Maishe and I hopped in the Hummer and I drove around town at a menacingly 7 mph above the posted speed limit.\u00a0 I drove by every known ambush position that the Woodbury fuzz<\/em> share with the State gendarmes<\/em>.\u00a0 What would they think about a 428 pound gorilla in an Eisenhower jacket?\u00a0 Go ahead, stop me!\u00a0 I dare you!<\/p>\n “Come ‘n get me copper!\u00a0 My man Maishe is going to fuck you up!”<\/p>\n In the afternoon we pulled into the Dairy Delite for a small vanilla custard in a waffle cone. We were sitting on the outside benches, taking in the view, minding our own business, enjoying our ice creams, bothering no one and hoping that a cop would see us, when I noticed these teenaged toughs glaring at us.<\/p>\n I glared back, \u201cWhat d\u2019ya lookin\u2019 at sucka?\u201d<\/p>\n Then I whispered into Maishe\u2019s ear, now it\u2019s time to do your beat the chest thing and show your impressive canine teeth\u2026 <\/em>but Maishe was too caught up in his cone.\u00a0 So I beat my chest and showed my canine teeth and the kids scattered like terrified rabbits.\u00a0 Maybe they weren\u2019t teenagers\u2026 but they had to be close to ten.<\/p>\n We got back in the Hummer and continued our patrol.\u00a0 To no avail.\u00a0 Where’s the police when you really need them?<\/p>\n *************<\/p>\n As the weekend came to a close Sandy, Maishe and I shared a view of the setting sun from our deck.\u00a0 Sandy, a glass of chilled Chardonnay, me, my customary extra-dry martini and Maishe, a virgin banana daiquiri.\u00a0 I considered the weekend a huge success.\u00a0 Granted… it would have been better if the police had tried to stop us.<\/p>\n Sandy simply stared at me above the rim of her Grgich-Hills.<\/p>\n When I returned to Bridgeport the Beardsley people were wonderful, greeting Maishe like a long lost relative.\u00a0 I thanked them.<\/p>\n “Moses was an exceptional guest.\u00a0 FYI, he prefers broccoli rabe cooked to raw.\u00a0 I saut\u00e9ed them in garlic & oil with white beans and pancetta.\u00a0 He loved it!\u00a0 Oh… and you can keep the Eisenhower jacket… he wouldn’t take it off all weekend.”<\/p>\n As for Sandy… there are new prohibitions that have been imposed.\u00a0 Gorillas have been added to the “no” list.\u00a0 Pachyderms, reptiles and rodents, too.\u00a0 The latter is disappointing… I had my eye on a hefty capybara. I returned the fake banana trees and tarantulas (well I kept one of the tarantulas… I thought it would be fun to\u00a0place it in the guest bathroom).<\/p>\n But all is not lost.\u00a0 An Emu is just $65 for an over night, and it\u00a0does not appear\u00a0on the “no” list.\u00a0 Ha hoo!\u00a0 And even more important… bananas are now permitted back\u00a0in the kitchen.<\/p>\n Work all night an’ drink rum<\/em><\/p>\n Stack banana ’til de morning come…<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Sandy\u00a0wasn’t keen on\u00a0the idea at first. \u00a0I told her about the abundance of potassium contained in bananas. I admit it… I\u00a0was trying to wean her off those expensive potassium pills she buys on aisle #1 in Stop & Shop. Yes, … Continue reading