{"id":361,"date":"2009-11-23T11:33:00","date_gmt":"2009-11-23T15:33:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.summerofjim.com\/2009\/11\/23\/paige-milton\/"},"modified":"2009-11-23T11:40:01","modified_gmt":"2009-11-23T15:40:01","slug":"paige-milton","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/?p=361","title":{"rendered":"Paige & Milton"},"content":{"rendered":"

“The Emperor Penguin breeds in the coldest environment of any bird species; air temperatures may reach \u221240\u00a0\u00b0F, and wind speeds may reach 89\u00a0mph. Water temperature is a frigid 28.8\u00a0\u00b0F,which is much lower than the Emperor Penguin’s average body temperature of 102\u00a0\u00b0F.”<\/span><\/em> <\/span><\/p>\n

“The Emperor Penguin is perhaps best known for the sequence of journeys adults make each year in order to mate and to feed their offspring. The only penguin species that breeds during the Antarctic winter, it treks 31\u201375\u00a0miles over the ice to breeding colonies which may include thousands of individuals. The female lays a single egg, which is incubated by the male while the female returns to the sea to forage for a period of 64 days.”<\/span><\/em> <\/span><\/p>\n

MILTON: Hey! Where the hell do you think you’re going?<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

PAIGE: Me and the girls are going for\u00a0a swim.\u00a0 Thought we’d check out the chinstraps <\/span><\/em>on the South Sandwich Islands, then head over to Buenos Aires, get our nails done, do some shopping, hit a few clubs.\u00a0 Maybe a bite to eat…<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>MILTON: What clubs?<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

PAIGE: Milton… we’re just going out for some dinner. The “ocean club.” The Antarctic Ocean!\u00a0I’ll bring you back a fish!<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>MILTON:\u00a0 Hey!\u00a0 What am I supposed to do with this fool egg?<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

PAIGE:\u00a0 I don’t know… read it a story.\u00a0 Tolstoy.\u00a0 You’ll be here for a while!<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>MILTON:\u00a0 Read it a story.\u00a0 That’s fucking great!\u00a0 It’s the Antarctic winter… you know.\u00a0 Like it’s pitch dark, you know!\u00a0 I can’t read in the dark! The pages of the book will\u00a0crumble in this air temp!\u00a0 Shit!\u00a0 And just where am I supposed to keep this damned egg when you’re off on a hoot with your girl friends?\u00a0 Sex starved <\/span><\/em>girl friends, I might add.\u00a0 That Sheila will do the “wild thing” with the first chinstrap penguin she finds!<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

PAIGE:\u00a0 You keep the egg… that’s our <\/span><\/em>egg, Milton… on your feet\u00a0and off the\u00a0ice just like all the other guys in the colony do!<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>MILTON:\u00a0 Great, just great.\u00a0 Where did you put\u00a0the L.L. Bean thermal socks that you gave me for my birthday… even though what I really wanted was an underwater I-Pod player.<\/span><\/em> This\u00a0is great… I have to keep this egg balanced on my feet, in the dark, in the freezing cold.\u00a0 What a life!\u00a0 We have to be the stupidest species on earth.\u00a0\u00a0Who came up with this idea anyway?<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

PAIGE:\u00a0 I don’t hear Bartlett complaining to Sheila.<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>MILTON<\/span>: <\/span>Bartlett<\/span>?\u00a0 Don’t get me started about that dumb penguin.\u00a0 Always bragging about how warm his feathers are… how he is rated<\/span><\/em> to \u221250\u00a0\u00b0F.\u00a0 Damn it, I’m cold already!\u00a0 How am I supposed to keep warm?\u00a0 Will you please tell me that!!<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

PAIGE: You form a huddle<\/span><\/em> with all the other guys in the colony… you\u00a0jam in together\u00a0real close and tight, and then you take turns being on the inside of the huddle where it’s warmer. You’ll love it.\u00a0 It’s a form of bonding.\u00a0 You’ll get to know <\/span>Bartlett<\/span> better!<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>MILTON<\/span>: Jammed in all together?\u00a0 Bonding?\u00a0 It sounds like a homo<\/span><\/em> thing to me…<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

PAIGE: Nonsense!<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>MILTON<\/span>: Hey!\u00a0 What happens when I get hungry?\u00a0 I think I am hungry already.\u00a0 I\u00a0 might not wait for you to come back from stuffing yourself!\u00a0 Yeah… I might scramble me an egg!\u00a0 Or maybe I’ll regurgitate some squid and make an omelet! A tasty squid omelet, some home fries and whole wheat toast with gooseberry preserves!<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

PAIGE:\u00a0 Don’t even think\u00a0about it\u00a0<\/span>Milton<\/span>!\u00a0 Look… I’ll be back in two months and I better find you and our egg!! Now let me hear your “call” so I’ll be able to find you in the colony\u00a0when I return.<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

MILTON<\/span>:\u00a0 Call?\u00a0 Yeah, I’ve been working on it…<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Your red scarf matches your eyes<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/em>You close your cover before striking<\/span><\/em> <\/span><\/p>\n

Father had the ship-fitter blues<\/span><\/em> <\/span><\/p>\n

And loving you has made me bananas<\/span><\/em> <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

PAIGE:\u00a0 That’s your call<\/span><\/em>?<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

MILTON<\/span>:\u00a0 There’s more…<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

You burned your finger that evening<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/em>While my back was turned<\/span><\/em> <\/span><\/p>\n

You asked the waiter for iodine<\/span><\/em> <\/span><\/p>\n

While I dined all alone!<\/span><\/em> <\/span><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

PAIGE:\u00a0 See you in two months Milton<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“The Emperor Penguin breeds in the coldest environment of any bird species; air temperatures may reach \u221240\u00a0\u00b0F, and wind speeds may reach 89\u00a0mph. Water temperature is a frigid 28.8\u00a0\u00b0F,which is much lower than the Emperor Penguin’s average body temperature of … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-361","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ministry-of-jokes"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/361","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=361"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/361\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=361"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=361"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=361"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}