{"id":365,"date":"2010-03-30T10:41:48","date_gmt":"2010-03-30T14:41:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.summerofjim.com\/2010\/03\/30\/caesar-takes-a-chance\/"},"modified":"2010-03-30T10:42:33","modified_gmt":"2010-03-30T14:42:33","slug":"caesar-takes-a-chance","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/?p=365","title":{"rendered":"Caesar Takes A Chance"},"content":{"rendered":"

[The Ides of March. The Roman Forum, 44 B.C.]<\/em> <\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 Good morning boys!\u00a0What a day for the game…\u00a0I can’t wait to\u00a0get started!\u00a0 I’ll be the Dreadnaught!<\/p>\n

CASCA: OK.\u00a0 I’ll be the Howitzer.<\/p>\n

LONGINUS:\u00a0 Oh well… I guess it’s the Top Hat for me.\u00a0 Again.<\/p>\n

CIMBER: The Scotty.<\/p>\n

RUGA:\u00a0 Hey!\u00a0 Wait a second!\u00a0 Why does Julius get the Dreadnaught?\u00a0 Every time!\u00a0 Every Goddamn time… ya know, like ‘what the fuck’?<\/p>\n

NASO:\u00a0 Yeah Julie… like, ‘what the fuck’?\u00a0 Maybe one of us would like to get the Dreadnaught for a change!<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 Hah!\u00a0 Who are you?\u00a0 Mere Senators?\u00a0 Me?\u00a0 I’m Caesar!\u00a0 You’re awfully quiet Brutus.\u00a0 Are you joining these upstarts?\u00a0 These unfeeling rebels?\u00a0 Surely you would like the Dreadnaught?<\/p>\n

BRUTUS:\u00a0 Me?\u00a0 No, no.\u00a0 Oh geeze, no!\u00a0 The Dreadnaught for you great Caesar… besides, I get seasick!\u00a0\u00a0Ha, ha, ha<\/em>. I’ll take the Old Shoe.<\/p>\n

RUGA:\u00a0 {soto voce<\/em> to Naso} Did you hear that?\u00a0 Brutus… what a kiss ass! ‘The Dreadnaught for you great Caesar!’\u00a0 And I’ll scrub your back and fetch your laundry!\u00a0 <\/p>\n

CAESAR: The old shoe<\/em> fits you well, loyal Brutus! Alright… and I’ll be the banker this time!<\/p>\n

CASCA:\u00a0 This time?<\/p>\n

LONGINUS: You’re always the banker!<\/p>\n

NASO:\u00a0 Yeah Julie… like, ‘what the fuck?’<\/p>\n

CIMBER:\u00a0 Might I remind the great Caesar of the last time that he was the banker there was a serious shortfall in the treasury?\u00a0 Funds appropriated to host orgies on Free Parking!<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 Funny… very funny Cimber.\u00a0 I like it!\u00a0 We all love orgies, right?\u00a0 OK, next time you can be the Howitzer!\u00a0 Alright.\u00a0 Enough, I’ll roll first…<\/p>\n

RUGA:\u00a0 Whoa!\u00a0 Hold the phone!\u00a0 What about we all roll?\u00a0 High roll goes first!<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 Nah, that doesn’t work for me.\u00a0 Double threes!\u00a0 Toot, toot, toot, here comes the Dreadnaught, one, two, three, four, five, six.\u00a0 Judea!\u00a0 I’ll buy it, it’s one of my favorite properties!\u00a0\u00a0Five sestertius… such a deal!\u00a0 I roll again.\u00a0 Three!\u00a0 Hah-hoo, Aquitania!\u00a0 I’ll buy it!\u00a0 Six sestertius!\u00a0 I love the light blue properties!<\/p>\n

BRUTUS:\u00a0 They match your eyes great Caesar.<\/p>\n

RUGA: {soto voce<\/em>} I think I’m going to puke.<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 Fortune smiles on me!\u00a0 All I need is Britannia and I’ll have a monopoly in light blue and I will be able to begin building brothels and bath houses!\u00a0 Your turn Casca.<\/p>\n

CASCA:\u00a0 Five.\u00a0 The Appian Way!\u00a0 I’ll buy it!<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 Fork over ten sestertius… here’s the deed.\u00a0 Your turn Longinus.<\/p>\n

LONGINUS:\u00a0 Four… Income Tax!\u00a0 Shit!\u00a0 <\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 I’ll take 15%!<\/p>\n

LONGINUS:\u00a0\u00a0The rules\u00a0say 10%!<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 I’m making it 15%.\u00a0 Legionnaires to be paid, roads mended and orgies to organize…\u00a0 Quit your gripping and hand over 15%.\u00a0 What fun, I love being the banker!\u00a0Brutus, you’re up.<\/p>\n

BRUTUS:\u00a0 Eight.\u00a0 Britannia.<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 I’ll buy it from you Brutus!\u00a0 Here’s five sestertius!<\/p>\n

RUGA:\u00a0 Don’t do it Brutus!<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 Here, six sestertius!\u00a0 More than it’s worth!<\/p>\n

RUGA:\u00a0 More than it’s worth?\u00a0 You’ll have a fucking monopoly!\u00a0 Don’t do it Brutus!<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 OK, ten sestertius!\u00a0 And I’ll give you a free pass to a brothel on Britannia!<\/p>\n

BRUTUS:\u00a0 Oh… alright.<\/p>\n

RUGA:\u00a0 “Oh, alright?”\u00a0 What kind of shit is that?\u00a0 Ya know… like, why even bother playing the game?\u00a0 Caesar’s going to lie, cheat, steal, cajole and bully his way thru this.\u00a0\u00a0And<\/em> you know it!\u00a0 Why don’t we just turn over all<\/em> the properties to him now and be done with it!<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 Quit your belly-aching Ruga.\u00a0 Here.\u00a0 I’ll give you a free pass to brothel, too!\u00a0 In fact, all of you!\u00a0 One free pass each!\u00a0 Oh, it’s good to be Caesar!<\/p>\n

BRUTUS:\u00a0 I think that is more than generous great Caesar!<\/p>\n

CIMBER:\u00a0 Er… *cough, cough* uh, you’ll have to excuse me… I have to use the “gents.”<\/p>\n

LONGINUS:\u00a0 I gotta take a leak, too.<\/p>\n

CASCA:\u00a0 Me too, must be that third cup of java… I’ll be back in a sec.<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 Et tu, Brute<\/em>?<\/p>\n

BRUTUS:\u00a0 Me?\u00a0 Oh, well… uh, I have to run an put some change in the parking meter.\u00a0 Can you break a five sestertius note?<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 Sure.<\/p>\n

NASO:\u00a0 *Ahem* Well…\u00a0um.\u00a0 I have to call my mother-in-law… she’s baby sitting the kids! Er, yeah… the kids.\u00a0 Oh, and also… I have a case of rampaging diarrhea… and, and, and\u00a0a splinter in my foot! Yeah, a splinter in my foot and I’ve lost my mittens… yeah, that’s the ticket.<\/p>\n

RUGA:\u00a0 You’ve what?\u00a0 Lost your mittens and<\/em> you have a splinter?\u00a0 Worry not Caesar, I’ll help him!<\/p>\n

CAESAR:\u00a0 Don’t be long “ladies”.<\/em>\u00a0 I feel lucky today!\u00a0 I can’t wait to put up some brothels in Judea!\u00a0 The Jews love brothels!<\/p>\n

[Five minutes later. The Bath House on Bagel St.]<\/em><\/p>\n

RUGA:\u00a0 Oh, this is just great… mother-in-law, diarrhea, splinter… and <\/em>you’ve lost your mittens!\u00a0 Where did you come up with such nonsense Naso?\u00a0\u00a0Why didn’t you say “I have a carbuncle on my left eyeball and I can’t see the short sword with\u00a0which I am going to thrust into your abdomen!”<\/p>\n

NASO:\u00a0 Geeze Ruga… if I had said that, Caesar might have become suspicious.<\/p>\n

RUGA:\u00a0 How did you ever get out of grade school?\u00a0 Never mind.\u00a0 OK, lads… here are the weapons.\u00a0 Naso, I got this just for you.\u00a0 It came from Outdoor Sportsman yesterday.\u00a0 See?\u00a0 A blackthorn shillelagh from Hibernia!<\/p>\n

NASO:\u00a0 Ruga, I have a question.\u00a0 How do I use it?<\/p>\n

RUGA:\u00a0 Look at the directions… “for superior results in blunt force trauma”.\u00a0 First you hit Caesar in the knees to immobilize him, and then you can begin beating him in the head ’til his face and brains look like week old banana skins!\u00a0 Cimber, here’s a cutlass… used by the Barbary pirates!\u00a0 Casca, a trident.\u00a0 Longinus, you get the \u00e9p\u00e9e.\u00a0 And the Bowie knife for you Brutus… remember to go for his spleen.<\/p>\n

BRUTUS:\u00a0 Ruga, I have a question.\u00a0 What does “et tu Brute” mean?<\/p>\n

RUGA:\u00a0 And you Brutus?<\/p>\n

BRUTUS: What does “et tu Brute” mean? <\/p>\n

RUGA:\u00a0 And you Brutus?<\/em>\u00a0 That’s what it means.\u00a0 Are you trying to be stupid?\u00a0 It’s Latin.<\/p>\n

BRUTUS:\u00a0 It’s Latin for are you trying to be stupid?<\/em><\/p>\n

RUGA:\u00a0 Don’t be an idiot! Here’s your knife.\u00a0 Don’t harm yourself.\u00a0 Remember. The spleen.\u00a0 OK, lads… all clear?\u00a0 Let’s take care of business!<\/p>\n

BRUTUS:\u00a0 I didn’t know that Caesar spoke Latin…<\/p>\n

[One day later. The Roman Forum]<\/em><\/p>\n

BRUTUS: Friends, Romans, countrymen lend me your ears.\u00a0 Mark Antony can not\u00a0be here to deliver his address.\u00a0 He has a case of rampaging diarrhea… and a splinter in his foot! <\/em>And I will not speak to you in iambic pentameter… I leave that to Mark Antony and future poets.\u00a0 I will speak in plain prose.\u00a0 I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.\u00a0 Why? Because will all know him to be an ambitious elitist –\u00a0which is a grievous fault… but a fault that could have been tolerated if he hadn’t used the ambition to lie and cheat at the game!\u00a0 I ask you, paying just ten sestertius to complete a monopoly in light blue!\u00a0 Is that honourable?\u00a0 No!\u00a0 Yes, he was my friend… and I do appreciate that he gave me a free pass if I landed on Britannia with a brothel.\u00a0 But increasing the Income Tax?\u00a0 Is that honourable?\u00a0 No!\u00a0 And another thing… speaking in Latin!\u00a0 Is that honourable?\u00a0 No!\u00a0 It is an elitist tongue!\u00a0 Now look… I know that Caesar was popular and all, and it’s just a damn shame that he had to pay the ultimate price for being an elitist swindler… but there you go.\u00a0 Let that be a lesson to us all!\u00a0 One further announcement: Calpurnia will be receiving well-wishers today in her salon and the bath houses and brothels will be open tomorrow.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[The Ides of March. The Roman Forum, 44 B.C.] CAESAR:\u00a0 Good morning boys!\u00a0What a day for the game…\u00a0I can’t wait to\u00a0get started!\u00a0 I’ll be the Dreadnaught! CASCA: OK.\u00a0 I’ll be the Howitzer. LONGINUS:\u00a0 Oh well… I guess it’s the Top … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-365","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-the-ash-creek-bourbon-conversation-corner"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/365","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=365"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/365\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=365"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=365"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=365"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}