“Be good. I’ll be right back.”<\/p>\n
That was Marge.\u00a0 I wish I had a rawhide chew for every time she told us to be good.<\/em>.. and a bowl of chicken liver for every time she told us that she would be right back.<\/em>\u00a0 Yeah, right!\u00a0 Me and Minnie would be two happy canines!\u00a0 OK, so you didn’t know that we were dogs? NBD!\u00a0 Introductions are in order.\u00a0 I am Maximum… Marge and her obnoxious kids call me Maxie.\u00a0 I am a pure bred Cairn Terrier.\u00a0 My Sister went Best of Breed at Westminster.\u00a0\u00a0 Yeah, and the year before that,\u00a0my\u00a0Father went Best of Group!<\/p>\n Minnie?\u00a0 Minimum<\/em> really.\u00a0 She’s a three year old Yellow Labrador of obscure parentage.\u00a0 Marge picked her\u00a0up in a breed based rescue<\/em>.\u00a0 But don’t tell that to\u00a0Minnie!<\/p>\n It’s me and Minnie, Minnie and me… But let’s get something clear: I’m<\/em> the boss. My “little sister” looks up to me.\u00a0 And, this is important<\/em>, I have a big <\/em>job.\u00a0 Not only do I watch after Minnie; but, and I have to be brutally frank, Marge is a dits, and Howard, her husband, is a LOSER!\u00a0 Then there\u00a0are the kids:\u00a0Tiffany, the Queen of Complain, and Martin, the Little Prince who can do no wrong!\u00a0 Just a second…<\/p>\n “Bark, bark, bark, bark… BARK, BARK, BARK.\u00a0 Grwwff… GRRrrrr… ROWF, rowf… bark, bark, bark… Grrrggg, rowf… BARK!”<\/p>\n Dumb fuckers… STEP AWAY FROM THE CAR!\u00a0 This is a Porsche Cayenne… don’t even look this way! <\/em><\/p>\n Now, where was I?\u00a0 Yeah, I’m responsible for the entire family.\u00a0 Yeah… you think it’s a picnic being the boss?\u00a0 Hold on… Minnie stop your panting… you’re fogging up the windows and this car is beginning to smell like dog breath… and you-know-who<\/em> will complain!<\/p>\n Hey!\u00a0 What’s going on here?<\/p>\n “ROWF, ROWF, ROWF… GRRRrr. Bark, bark. BBBbbaaaak, BARK, BARK, BARK… Grwwuff, grwuff, grwuff… grrrrrr, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK… ahwoooooo, BARK, BARK… wuh, wuh, wuh… GRWWUFF…. wuh, wuh, wuh!”<\/p>\n Stupid shits… think you know so much?\u00a0 This ain’t no hybrid!\u00a0 This is a pure bred “S” Class: 8 cylinders, 4.8 liter displacement with 400 HP, torque 369 lbs and with a compression ratio of 12.5:1!\u00a0 Go back to your Honda Accord, fuck face… and take your numb nuts buddy with you!<\/p>\n Oh geeze, Minnie… enough with the panting, and now you’re rolling your eyes!\u00a0 Hey, not for nothin’, can’t you help a dude out and throw an occasional bark or snarl?<\/p>\n Oh, just look at this!<\/p>\n “Wuh, wuh, wuh… BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK!”<\/p>\n *whew*\u00a0 I need to lift my leg!\u00a0 A good bark always does that to me!\u00a0 Where the fuck is Marge?\u00a0 Oh, now what!\u00a0 Minnie!\u00a0 Is that a drool on the tan leather seats?\u00a0 Don’t tuppy <\/em>your feet, I’m talking to you!\u00a0 And stop that panting!\u00a0 *uch*\u00a0 I still have to take a wicked piss and mark some territiory!\u00a0 Where the hell\u00a0is Marge!\u00a0 Now <\/em>I’m tuppying my<\/em> feet *uch*<\/p>\n I know it’s Martin!\u00a0 It has to be that spoiled rotten kid!\u00a0 How long can it take to pick out a pair of sneakers?\u00a0 Geeze louise… sneakers!\u00a0 OK!\u00a0 When we get home, and the Little Prince is sleeping… Minnie, I want you to go into his room and rip his new sneakers to shreds!\u00a0 To SHREDS!\u00a0 And I know that you can do it!\u00a0 Then I’ll lift a leg on his bed spread and take a dump in his L.L. Bean slippers!<\/p>\n That’s Plan “A”.\u00a0 Plan “B”… oh, no!<\/p>\n “BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK… AHWOOOooooooo!\u00a0 BARK, BARK, BARK!”<\/p>\n Adios!\u00a0 Yeah, that’s you Mario Andretti<\/em>! See you in Indianapolis… you LOSER!\u00a0 Minnie!\u00a0 Minnie, Minnie, Minnie… enough with the rolling of the eyes, and please, PLEASE stop that panting… we’re not in Houston, and you haven’t run a marathon!\u00a0 What am I going to do with you?\u00a0 Look… if you promise to tear the crap out of Martin’s new sneakers, I’ll give you my afternoon biscuit!\u00a0 Yeah, we’ll be even.\u00a0 I love ya kid.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" “Be good. I’ll be right back.” That was Marge.\u00a0 I wish I had a rawhide chew for every time she told us to be good… and a bowl of chicken liver for every time she told us that she would … Continue reading