“I’m Hung-over. I need food.”<\/p>\n
“Me, too… well, not hung-over. What looks good?”<\/p>\n
“I dunno… let’s see.\u00a0 The lumberjack omelet?\u00a0 3 eggs, sausage, bacon, ham, monterey jack cheese.\u00a0 Anything missing?”<\/p>\n
“That looks good.”<\/p>\n
“Hey.\u00a0 Do you go to those Chamber of Commerce deals?”<\/p>\n
“Those networking things?\u00a0 Bunch of mortgage lenders, media types, software designers and one person doing origami wedding invitations?\u00a0 Oh yes, coffee would be great thank you.”<\/p>\n
“Yeah, that’s about right.\u00a0 Yes, I’ll have coffee, too. Have you ever done something… as an adult,<\/em> that is… you know, undesirable <\/em>behavior?”<\/p>\n “Undesirable<\/em>?\u00a0 You mean like going-to-jail undesirable? Once I went into the under-ten-items check out line with twelve<\/em> items.\u00a0\u00a0Later I developed headaches and deep abdominal pains.\u00a0 I haven’t made that mistake since.\u00a0 But\u00a0they don’t\u00a0put you in jail for abusing the express check out line.\u00a0 Why, did you use improper<\/em> language at the Chamber gathering?”<\/p>\n “No. I’m serious.\u00a0\u00a0Something that you really regret… but like, it wasn’t your fault<\/em>. Really.”\u00a0<\/p>\n “Where are we going with this?”<\/p>\n “Well… you know the Chamber of Commerce thing?\u00a0 Well… I have a friend…”<\/p>\n “Stop right there!\u00a0 A friend?”<\/p>\n “Yeah… yes… Pat.\u00a0<\/em>Someone you don’t know.\u00a0 <\/em>Yes, thank you.\u00a0 I’ll have the western omelet. Whole wheat toast.”<\/p>\n “Pat?\u00a0 I’ll have the eggs benedict and please ask the kitchen not to overcook the eggs.\u00a0 The last time we were here they came out like rocks.\u00a0 And more coffee, please.\u00a0 Pat?”<\/p>\n “Yeah, Pat.\u00a0\u00a0Pat went to a Chamber of Commerce open house at the Golden Nookie… that dim sum<\/em> place that just opened.\u00a0 And this is crazy… I mean real crazy.\u00a0 But\u00a0Pat has a couple of Planter’s Punches… you know, tall drinks served with a tiny parasol, an orange slice, a pineapple spear and cherry.\u00a0 Maybe not the regular drink choice… but it was what they were serving.”<\/p>\n “Pat?”<\/p>\n “Yeah… you know, had a tough day at work, one Punch follows another… a bite of a dumpling, a little Planter’s and things look good, right?”<\/p>\n “Pat?”<\/p>\n “Yeah… well you know, it’s the Chamber of Commerce, right?\u00a0 Boring as hell, even with dumplings from the Golden Nookie, and you’re\u00a0knocking down\u00a0rums… you glance across the room and someone catches your eye.\u00a0 So\u00a0Pat goes over.\u00a0 You know… light conversation.”<\/p>\n “This hollandaise is perfect.”<\/p>\n “And one thing leads to another… you know,\u00a0Pat thinks this person is well turned out. Lookin’ good, smellin’ good.\u00a0 Sure some of it is the Planter’s Punch. So look, I’m not passing judgment on what people do in the bedroom.\u00a0 That’s their business, right?\u00a0 Who should dictate what’s acceptable<\/em>? Just because the Bible says it’s an abomination…”<\/p>\n “The Bible?”<\/p>\n “That’s my point.\u00a0 Why should the Bible be the authority on what’s right or wrong between consenting adults?”<\/p>\n “Does this story involve whipped cream, scented oils or leather masks with brass zippers?”<\/p>\n “Or what gives the Supreme Court the right…”<\/p>\n “The Supreme Court?\u00a0 How did we get from the Chamber of Commerce to the Supreme Court?”<\/p>\n “So Pat ends up taking this person back home.\u00a0 And you know what happens next.\u00a0 A couple of nightcaps… not that they were needed… sooner or later, in the bedroom, no lights, the room spinning, in the sack…something completely unplanned…”<\/p>\n “This is an abomination<\/em>?\u00a0 I think this happens thousands of times every night in America, and even in countries where there is no Chamber of Commerce.”<\/p>\n “No.\u00a0 I’m fine on coffee, thanks.\u00a0 It’s not just sex… but the type of sex…”<\/p>\n “Uh-oh… was a goat involved?”<\/p>\n “So… look, Pat is there, right?\u00a0 Ten<\/em> sheets to the wind, in a dark room, nearly passed out, flat out on the bed, and oral sex…”<\/p>\n “A goat gave you head<\/em>?\u00a0 Yes, the Bible frowns on that… and so would your mother”.<\/p>\n “Not a goat.\u00a0 Just a person of unexpected gender.”<\/p>\n “I see.\u00a0 The Bible frowns on that, too.\u00a0 If you pick up the check, I won’t post this on Face Book.”<\/p>\n “Thanks. Check, please.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" “I’m Hung-over. I need food.” “Me, too… well, not hung-over. What looks good?” “I dunno… let’s see.\u00a0 The lumberjack omelet?\u00a0 3 eggs, sausage, bacon, ham, monterey jack cheese.\u00a0 Anything missing?” “That looks good.” “Hey.\u00a0 Do you go to those Chamber … Continue reading