{"id":712,"date":"2012-06-05T14:26:47","date_gmt":"2012-06-05T18:26:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.summerofjim.com\/?p=712"},"modified":"2012-06-14T19:31:54","modified_gmt":"2012-06-14T23:31:54","slug":"theft-of-the-blue-chair","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/?p=712","title":{"rendered":"Theft of the Blue Chair"},"content":{"rendered":"

Go ahead, ask me why am I sitting in my blue club chair, naked as a jaybird, in the meat locker of the Stop & Shop in Southbury, reading Sir Thomas More\u2019s Dialogue of Comfort against Tribulation<\/em> (in the original Latin).<\/p>\n

I am glad you asked. <\/p>\n

The matter of the blue chair has become a source of contention between myself and Gary Moss, my long standing friend (we go back to the 4th<\/sup> grade, or so).\u00a0 This chair originally graced the small study of my Brother Paul\u2019s bedroom in our home on 25 Alston Avenue.\u00a0 When Paul fledged the nest to Union College in 1957 and my Mother decided that rearing tropical fish was not in her skill set, the chair moved from the study to the bedroom proper, and to the place that had previously been home to a rather large fish tank.<\/p>\n

Our two Bedlington Terriers took advantage of the chair\u2019s more convenient location by using the chair as an indoor \u201cfire hydrant.\u201d<\/p>\n

It should be pointed out that back in the day the chair was covered in a black and ivory houndstooth check fabric of shetland wool sourced from the hand looms of Scotland\u2019s Thomas Adie.\u00a0 Also noteworthy, the wool for the handcrofted tweeds of the Isle of Harris is cured<\/em> in sheep\u2019s urine.\u00a0 This latter tidbit of information explains why it\u2019s not a great idea to stand next to a gent wearing a sturdy Harris Tweed sport coat during a light rain, as the moisture returns the wool to its original pungent aromas.<\/p>\n

The fact that the Bedlingtons peed on the chair with alarming regularity produced a yellowish tinge to the black and ivory at \u201clifting the leg level\u201d, not to mention giving the chair an earthy scent that would be immediately recognizable to anyone standing next to an Oxford Don in a drizzle. I won\u2019t give dignity to the rumors that I may have contributed to the Bedlington\u2019s activity in \u201cblessing\u201d the chair.\u00a0 Certainly not while sober.<\/p>\n

When I took full possession of the chair in 1972 the fabric was changed to its present blue so that it could be added to the other pieces that would become the living room on Courtland Avenue.\u00a0 The chair has survived seven moves and was added most recently to the den in Woodbury where I can sometimes be observed reading, listening to tunes, watching a flick or enjoying a superbly assembled Tanqueray Martini.<\/p>\n

If Sherlock Holmes needed Professor Moriarity as a raison d\u2019\u00eatre,<\/em> and Adolf Hitler needed the Jews\u2026 then Gary Moss needs my blue club chair. For reasons that are best left to the analyst\u2019s couch, Gary has launched a crusade to recover my chair. He has lamely suggested that he is trying restore the chair to the beauty it once possessed\u2026 this being a favor to the memory of my dear departed Father<\/em>.\u00a0 It is rare for a day to go by without an email being sent to me with fabric suggestions\u2026 a sea foam chintz, an Edwardian fox hunting scene, another print with leopards poised in ambush on the veldt.\u00a0 And it doesn\u2019t stop there.\u00a0 Now I am getting recommendations for replacing the entire chair\u2026 divans that look like cast-offs from a Hollywood set for a French bordello and stiff wing chairs that look as comfortable as a saguaro cactus.\u00a0 In the words of Sir Thomas More, he is hocking meir in chainik!<\/em>\u00a0 I like the chair the way it is!<\/p>\n

He is not letting this rest.\u00a0 He has recently removed the chair from our den without my consent (undoubtedly with the aid of a sympathetic confederate\u2026 I have my suspicions as to the person\u2019s identity<\/em>).\u00a0 But I am not without my resources\u2026 and within days I was able to track down its new location, secreted in the aforementioned meat locker of Stop & Shop.<\/p>\n

Now I sit in my beloved chair in this cozy refrigerated room\u2026 surrounded by hanging sides of beef.\u00a0 I come here three times a week and spend an hour or two in the nude reading More and other classical scholars.\u00a0 <\/p>\n

I call this the silver lining in the cloud<\/em>.\u00a0 <\/p>\n

You see\u2026 my metabolism has slowed to the rate of a tree sloth.\u00a0 I swim 3000-4000yds four days a week and if I look at the pictures in Bon App\u00e9tit<\/em> I gain two pounds!\u00a0 I love those ads on TV promoting easy ways to lose weight without dieting. <\/em>Intriguing, but bull shit!\u00a0 But even with eating less and exercising more my results have been less than satisfactory.\u00a0 There has to be a more efficient way to burn calories.\u00a0 How about cold?\u00a0 In cold temperatures our bodies have to burn more calories to keep our body temperature up to 98.6\u00b0!\u00a0 I could always volunteer to spend a winter in a Siberian Gulag.\u00a0 Good thought\u2026 but I want to lose some weight, not die of exhaustion and malnutrition!<\/p>\n

Hmmmm, maybe I could take advantage of my friend\u2019s passive aggressive hostility and find an alternate way to help shed some pounds?\u00a0 The cold treatment<\/em>!\u00a0 Not only could I subject myself to the frigid air of the meat locker, I could magnify<\/em> the demand from my \u201cbody thermostat\u201d for heat by taking off my clothes! <\/p>\n

There is some precedent for this Spartan<\/em> behavior.\u00a0 It\u2019s the compulsory military training that free citizen males had to endure in Sparta\u2019s heyday in the 6th<\/sup> to 4th<\/sup> centuries B.C.E.\u00a0 The mental and physical rigour of the training became the model for every elite military formation from the Praetorian Guard, to the Knights Templar, to the Brigade of Guards, to the Navy Seals.<\/p>\n

It is that legendary discipline that allowed a force of 300 Spartans led by King Leonidas to confront Xerxes\u2019 Persian Army of 100,000 at Thermopylae in 480 B.C.E.\u00a0 Never mind that all the Spartans died in that battle\u2026 it\u2019s the attitude that counts<\/em>!<\/p>\n

I sit here amongst the cows<\/em> willing myself to ignore the cold, taking comfort in the wisdom of Thomas More\u2019s well selected words, and the knowledge that I am burning extra calories.\u00a0 I resist the urge to take a whiz on a hind quarter; but think to the day when my goal weight is reached and I can return my chair to the confines of our den.\u00a0 Some have suggested that I could speed this process along if I were to sacrifice my enjoyment of gin, fine whisky and C\u00f4te de Beaune Burgundies.\u00a0 Yeah, right\u2026 <\/em>like that\u2019s even a remote possibility!\u00a0 No thank you!\u00a0 I prefer to turn to More: \u201cAdversarius vester diabolus tanquam leo rugiens circuit quoerens quem devoret\u2026<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

At 3:00pm a well chilled martini\u2026 next week I begin Saint Thomas Aquinas\u2019 Summa Theologica<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Go ahead, ask me why am I sitting in my blue club chair, naked as a jaybird, in the meat locker of the Stop & Shop in Southbury, reading Sir Thomas More\u2019s Dialogue of Comfort against Tribulation (in the original … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-712","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ministry-of-jokes"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/712","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=712"}],"version-history":[{"count":15,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/712\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":988,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/712\/revisions\/988"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=712"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=712"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/summerofjim.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=712"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}