Thank You Dr. Horoscope!

OK… I admit it.  I have never put much stock in horoscopes.  I know lotsa folks follow their daily horoscopes.  Good folk.  As a brief aside, and not to confuse the issue, Adolf Hitler wouldn’t make a move before he consulted his astrologist.  Why take any unnecessary chances, right?  Call me a doubting Thomas… but in reading thru the daily horoscopes, I could find tidbits that would apply regardless of sign.  Human nature, I guess… we can find things that support our fears and aspirations in anything.  Horoscopes included.

Maybe someone else’s horoscope reads better than yours on a particular day?  Too bad you can’t trade, or at least modify the undesirable parts in your horoscope?

Fret no longer.  Dr. Horoscope to the rescue!  A new on-line horoscope service offers a cure for what ails in your horoscope.  Register (for a small, inconsequential sum… think of it as a “co-pay”), and the good Doctor provides the cure. 

Enclosed find a recent survey of the Doctor’s efforts.  His “Rx” is noted in brackets in bold face.  It is clear that the good Doctor is not without an “agenda”, as can clearly be seen in one entry.  Perhaps the sign of a rival professional?  Or maybe a classmate that tormented him in middle-school? Or his next door neighbor who ran over his cat?

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

It’s a breeze for you to accomplish a lot today now that the playful Leo Moon harmonizes with energetic Mars. You may be tempted to set aside your obligations to pursue pleasure {don’t worry…go for the pleasure!}, but it’s probably not a good idea to trade your promises for immediate gratification {this does not apply to eating fudge brownies}. Don’t try to shift the blame for your current dilemma onto anyone else {except your boss}. Just consider the consequences and do what makes the most sense in the long run. Find a creative way to have your cake and eat it too {like calling in sick, and arranging for a tee-time at Pinehurst}.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Although you can’t completely avoid the weight of responsibility today {nonsense! Forget about it!}, you are likely to be more concerned with expressing your feelings than doing your job. Your romantic heart is in direct conflict with your practical head, distracting you from finishing your chores {chores, shmores… you are forgiven. And as for “romantic heart”, give up reading those trashy novels}. Even if you are motivated to push further ahead, you don’t have to do anything drastic now {spot on! Take it easy!}. Allow the emotional tension to reach its crescendo and then subside before you swing into action. {“Tension to reach its crescendo”? This is a reminder that you shouldn’t wait too long if you have to go #2}

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your co-workers or friends may keep you quite busy today {that’s because they are a bunch of shirkers}, and that’s just how you like it {Not exactly. You only pretend that you like it. You actually seethe. And that’s OK}. You are at the top of your game, showing off your charm and wit as you fly from one activity to another. But strong desires are brewing just out of sight, so don’t bother wasting your resources on trivial matters {just make sure that you’re not trailing toilet paper from the back of your pants when you leave the bathroom}. Save some energy in reserve for when you will need it over the next few days. Setting a sustainable pace now improves your chances for success down the road {I recommend one gin martini every 90 minutes beginning at 3:00PM}.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You could be so sympathetic to people’s emotions that sometimes it’s tough to know how to respond {don’t dwell on this. It’s their problem You have plenty on your plate as it stands}. However, today you’re more likely to immediately react to a difficult situation at work than to take a wait-and-see approach. Don’t overcompensate with wildly impulsive behavior just to prove your point {d’accord. “Regular’ impulsive behavior should suffice}. Too much confidence leads to recklessness, which might create new problems faster than you can solve the old ones. {think of it is as using the wrong club on the water hazard  par 3, and plunking your ball into the “drink”. *tsk, tsk* You should have used the 7 iron instead of the 9 iron.  Over confidence & you pay the price.  See?} Taking the time to listen to what others want enables you to discover a more lasting resolution. {Nix.  Others will mess with your head. Besides, listening is exhausting}

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You appear to be an open book to everyone around you while the demonstrative Leo Moon lights up your 1st House of Personality. {Except that your personality stinks} Although some of your peers may not recognize it, you’re in touch with profound emotions that are still working their way to the surface {like rotten egg farts produced by eating too many greasy fried pork chops and drinking a quart of Boones Farm Apple Wine}. Your thoughts carry even more weight now because they haven’t been expressed. {not expressed because you can’t put more than 6 words into an articulate sentence} Once you share what’s on your mind, the tension should dissipate quickly {and quickly transfer to those who had to suffer listening to your jaded world view}. But there’s no need to shock anyone with your colorful disclosure. {your appearance is enough of a shock.  Do yourself a favor… take a very long walk off a short pier}

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You don’t want everyone to know your likes and dislikes, prompting you to keep your preferences quiet today {this doesn’t apply to your preferences in adult beverages}. You can easily rationalize hiding your desires by attributing it to your unwillingness to hurt anyone’s feelings. {Why hide your desires?  Do as you see fit, and let the devil take the hindmost} However, your predicament won’t be fixed by simply withdrawing. Remaining silent about your wishes contributes to the problem and not the solution. {Silence is not a negative here. It gives you an opportunity to plot your revenge}Talk about your emotions with enough sensitivity that you don’t push others away {Limit your use of swear words to less than twenty in any conversation}. No one can fulfill your needs if you don’t take a chance and tell them what you want. {and after you have given the waitstaff your order, put your napkin on your lap}

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You want to show your friends how much they mean to you now {but didn’t before}, but nearly everything you do feels contrived and somehow misses the mark {which is why it is time to buy their friendship}. Falling short of your own expectations might lead you to try even harder {this would be a big mistake and add anxiety to your life. Try lowering your expectations, and failing that, fill your bathtub up with warm tapioca pudding and sit in it for a half hour.  Your concerns will disappear}. Forget about impressing others in your personal life today {it’s none of their business}. Instead, just concentrate on doing your job to the best of your abilities {unless you’re a civil servant}. An unexpected reward may come your way as long as you get your work finished on time. {finishing a task on time is its own reward, don’t get greedy!}

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Shifting gears and planning your next career move now may not be as easy as you wish {try playing LOTTO & Powerball big time, that way you won’t have to change careers}. Fortunately, you feel strong enough to manage the pressures of change without letting anyone know that you are struggling with the transition {enjoying a few Long Island Ice Teas goes along way to relieving stress}. Nevertheless, revealing your vulnerability {a bad idea} and admitting that you can’t do everything by yourself {a good idea} can actually create opportunities for positive growth {sharing the work load is always a good thing and will give you more time to pursue positive growth in your summer tan}. Expressing your feelings {let me buy you a drink} sets the stage for others to offer you the heartwarming support you need. {Quod erat demonstrandum}

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You’re dreaming of distant horizons now that the Moon is visiting your 9th House of Faraway Places{ALERT: someone is casing your house in Aspen}. However, reaching your destination may require more than simply heading off in the right direction. {HINT: it’s on the other side of the Hudson} Luckily, with a little extra effort today you can organize your life so it resonates {“resonates”… remember using fancy words lend credibility to whatever you do!} with your long-term goals. Think small at first {like remembering to put down the toilet seat} and tend the seeds of your ideas until they grow into a strategic action plan that guides you into the future {like remembering to always put down the toilet seat}

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

A relationship with a powerful person may have more impact on your future than you want to admit {but only if he is wearing a uniform and asks you to step out of your car}. However, this is not the best day to ignore a problem {it may not be the best day; but it’s a good day}, for it won’t just go away on its own now {rubbish!  These things tend to sort themselves out}. Push your buried anger out into the open so it can’t fester any longer in the dark {and the next time, instead of burying anger, create a funeral pyre. It’s more dramatic}. After the air is clear of judgment, everyone is likely to feel more optimistic about the future and willing to invest in your success. {Wear blue.  It’s a successful color and a good look for you}

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You seem to know what someone wants before anyone else does today, but you still might not be in the mood to drop everything and lose yourself in service {Not in the mood? Put another shrimp on the “barbie” and chill out}. The Moon’s presence in your 7th House of Companions reflects your heightened sensitivity to the feelings of those around you. {Your heightened sensitivity is actually a case of the hives.  Give up eating strawberries for a month} But don’t be too self-critical if you just want to escape into your own world for a while {as long as it doesn’t involve spending more than 20 minutes in the bathroom}. After all, replenishing your emotional vitality enables you to be more supportive of others. {If you’re in a jam, Costco has an “emotional vitality” aisle.  Lay in a supply!}

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You may be disheartened if you realize that you can’t satisfy your craving for adventure now {that’s what happens when you have pilonidal cysts}. The extroverted Leo Moon is occupying your 6th House of Habits, encouraging you to take a chance and break out of an old routine {resist the temptation to remove your clothes in the “Pool Room” of the Four Seasons}. However, something tells you that it’s not quite time yet to step out of your comfort zone {it’s the snotty waiter who sneers at your wine selection}. Fortunately, you will be better prepared to make your move later on if you stop and focus on every little detail that confronts you today. {Focus on every little detail?  What a waste of time! Look at the big picture, keep your eye on the horizon, look both ways when you cross the street, holding hands is a good thing, and never doubt whether today will be a fine day}

mad doctor

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