Category Archives: Ministry of Humor

Alt Version, Romeo & Juliet

Recently discovered manuscripts written in Shakespeare’s own hand provide valuable insights to the Bard’s writing process. Half finished, or discarded sonnets, and partially written scenes of his plays are a wealth of information and speculation. It has been suggested by … Continue reading

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Lot 667

“Lot 665, a papier mâché musical box in the shape of a barrel organ. Attached the figure of a monkey in Persian robes playing the cymbals. This item still in working order, shown here… Sold! For 30 francs to the … Continue reading

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A Business Partnership in Antiquity Gone Bad

Before crossing the Rubicon River in 44BCE, Julius Caesar took time to time to write to his ally and colleague, Brutus… Dear Brutus, I am ready to make my return to Rome.  I am bringing a Legion, and knowing that … Continue reading

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Thank You Dr. Horoscope!

OK… I admit it.  I have never put much stock in horoscopes.  I know lotsa folks follow their daily horoscopes.  Good folk.  As a brief aside, and not to confuse the issue, Adolf Hitler wouldn’t make a move before he … Continue reading

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The Courtship of Reginald & Gwyneth

R: Musca domestica… The adults are about 5-8 mm long. Their thorax is grey with four longitudinal dark lines on the back. The whole body is covered with hair-like projections. The females are slightly larger than the males, and have a … Continue reading

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Welcome Desdemona!

You might think I’m crazy spending $22,000 on a truffle pig.  Crazy like fox!  Do you know how much truffles cost an ounce?  They are not called “black diamonds” for nothing!  Napoleon III had a 150 carat truffle mounted in … Continue reading

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From the Joke Library

This has been in my inventory for many years… first told to me by my Brother-in-Law Alan.  I took it off the shelf yesterday and shared it with someone with whom I regularly trade stories.  Today he asked me for an abbreviated … Continue reading

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Courtesy of Lynn

I hate to admit it… but I am finding some of these “old people” jokes that my sister keeps forwarding to me to be pretty good.  I’d like to think that the ones I laugh at are purely funny, rather … Continue reading

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Bagel Man and Shmear

… or why it is not a good idea to have two martinis before story time   “Let’s see… Berenstain Bears?  Winnie the Pooh?  Bread and Jam for Frances?  I love the drawings in that book.” “Dad… you always fall asleep when … Continue reading

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Cranial Fracking

There are gems, and then there are the real gems.  This is from a New Yorker‘s “Shouts & Murmurs” section written by Ian Frazier. I love this type of elaborate, detail filled comedy writing. CRANIAL FRACKING Recently, I signed a lease … Continue reading

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Father Knows Best

Emperor Penguins endure the harshest climate on earth… the Antarctic.  The Penguins mate for life and share in caring for the single egg that is produced during the winter breeding season.  After laying the egg, the female transfers the egg … Continue reading

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Theft of the Blue Chair

Go ahead, ask me why am I sitting in my blue club chair, naked as a jaybird, in the meat locker of the Stop & Shop in Southbury, reading Sir Thomas More’s Dialogue of Comfort against Tribulation (in the original … Continue reading

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These Are The Facts!

FACT: Gaius Julius Caesar was murdered on March 15, 44 BCE… the Ides of March. FACT: Caesar was forewarned about his impending doom by a soothsayer. FACT:  The soothsayer did not have a union card. FACT:  The soothsayer did not have a valid permit … Continue reading

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Painting with Lenny

Hello again dear friends! When I was driving my mother to the airport yesterday, we passed by this charming wooded glen that framed a pond… there was this narrow dirt road that meandered into the distance… actually it was an Interstate; … Continue reading

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The Field Marshall Ish Kabibble

True.  Nothing makes a man feel better than wearing a uniform!  Few know of my military background. My Father’s Grandfather served nobly with Chinese Gordon at Khartoum (he was his tailor).  For skill and bravery under fire (he had to … Continue reading

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Reason #5 Not to Move to Atlanta (or the reason why Sherman put the city to the torch)

Atlanta: home to Vito Goldberg’s Pizzeria, and home to the “Dirty Diaper Pie.” Made on a caraway pizza crust, a tasty tomato pie, topped with homemade chopped chicken liver, onions and crisp bacon. Wash it down with an ice cold … Continue reading

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Mama Mia, That’s a Spicy Meatball!

What could I do?  Is it a crime to laugh?  OK, so I was by myself… sort of.  I was in Norwalk’s TD North Bank to take care of a couple of things.  Just one person standing at the teller’s … Continue reading

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Penguins of the Caribbean

Emperor Penguins endure the harshest conditions of the Antarctic winter to breed.  With air temperatures of -40F, wind gusts of 75mph, the males of the colony cluster together into tight huddles, balancing a single egg on the top of the … Continue reading

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Resolutions, And The New Year

OK, OK…. look, I was meant to get this out before… like maybe between Christmas and New Years.  Or at least, last week.  But… you know, I’ve been very, very busy. First, there was all that snow, and the drop in … Continue reading

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Not Breakfast at Tiffany’s

“I’m Hung-over. I need food.” “Me, too… well, not hung-over. What looks good?” “I dunno… let’s see.  The lumberjack omelet?  3 eggs, sausage, bacon, ham, monterey jack cheese.  Anything missing?” “That looks good.” “Hey.  Do you go to those Chamber … Continue reading

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Maximum and Minimum

“Be good. I’ll be right back.” That was Marge.  I wish I had a rawhide chew for every time she told us to be good… and a bowl of chicken liver for every time she told us that she would … Continue reading

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Life As We Know It

From an address to the Royal Academy of Sciences by Stephen Hawking, distinguished Theoretical Physicist and Cosmologist, Member of the Pontifical Academy of Sciences, Honorary Fellow of the Royal Society of Arts, Fellow of Gonville and Caius College, Cambridge and … Continue reading

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Paige & Milton, The Second Season

Emperor Penguins will stay with the same mate for the duration of their lives.  Each year the female penguin transfers her egg to her mate for an incubation period that lasts for sixty-four days.  While the female heads to the sea … Continue reading

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Minutes From The Council of Sages

{Before the establishment of Tiberias and Caesaria as centers for great Talmudic discourse and for the written codification of Jewish Law, the great sages of Judaic knowledge formed what had been referred to as “The Council of Sages”, although in Aramaic Ganim Taybloch … Continue reading

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The Ten Commandments, The Outtakes

The film The Ten Commandments debuted in 1956. Three hours and forty minutes long… the script contained 308 pages with 70 speaking parts. 14,000 extras and 15,000 animals (four legged extras) were used in the production. Once movies started to make … Continue reading

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Paige & Milton

“The Emperor Penguin breeds in the coldest environment of any bird species; air temperatures may reach −40 °F, and wind speeds may reach 89 mph. Water temperature is a frigid 28.8 °F,which is much lower than the Emperor Penguin’s average body temperature of … Continue reading

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The First Fan’s Bracket

“Please hold my calls for an hour.  I have to get this done.” Alright… look, Illinois is ranked 5th!  That’s not bad… I think I ranked 8th when I began my run for the Presidency. Let’s check who qualified from the … Continue reading

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The Plan

What follows below appeared in the Novermber 24 issue of the New Yorker in their Shouts & Murmurs column.  The writer is Jack Handey… my first reading of his work. Well… I am tipping my hat to him.  The economy … Continue reading

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Your Parrot He is Dead

Well, with the economy going down the shit can, loss of life continuing in a military engagement that maybe even more shameful than Vietnam, an election that is coming up that will give us an opportunity to show how mean … Continue reading

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Overheard Near the Curia Pomperiana

{February 44B.C.E. Rome} ALFIE: Reggie, maybe you ought to look for a different line of work. REGGIE: What d’ya mean Owfie? ALFIE: I mean that you’re not doin’ too well with this soothsaying. I mean you’re not makin’ a livin’ … Continue reading

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Mixed Vegetables and George Patton

{At the dinning table. George Patton, age 8} The adults always talk… they don’t even know I’m here! I hate this dinner. The meatloaf was fine; but when is mother going to learn that I hate mixed veggies! Men eat … Continue reading

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It’s That Time of the Year… Again

And no, I’m not talking about football.  It’s the time of the year when we wish, to those to whom it’s appropriate, a “Happy New Year.”  I am referring to the Jewish New Year.  Yes, yes… this is all confusing … Continue reading

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The Bombshell and the Hassid

It has been a stretch between jokes.  I hold members of the humor patrol responsible for this shortcoming.  Perhaps we should be thankful… maybe the “recycled joke movement” has crested and we can have some fresh material to chortle over.  … Continue reading

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I have been advised…

How do you know if you have them?  And even if you have them, you have to rely on others to give you an idea as to their quality.  And the folks who do the reporting always seem to have … Continue reading

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From Caesar’s Diary

Ides of March Dear Diary: I don’t feel like going to the Senate today.  I think I am going to get a haircut instead.  Besides… it’s always the same guys… Cassius, Brutus and that new guy Russell Crowe.  Big deal.  … Continue reading

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Breakfast at the Caesars

{March 6, 44BCE at the home of Gaius Julius Caesar & his wife Calpurnia… it’s morning, in the breakfast room} CAESAR: What’s this? CALPURNIA: What does it it look like, Caesar? CAESAR:  French Toast!  Again it’s French Toast!  I can’t … Continue reading

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Vegetables thru the Ages

We have all heard it. “You’re staying at the table ’til you finish your veggies!”  Or, “I see that brussel sprout behind the mashed potato, young lady!” Or, if you were lucky you were subjected to greater artifice and creativity… “Look, … Continue reading

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Something for Under the Tree

When Christer Fuglesang of Sweden joined the Mission Crew of Shuttle STS-116, he was armed with his “Christmas List”. It was a list that was the result of careful thought and planning. Christer has been involved in Space Programs since … Continue reading

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Alternative Uses for the Bagel

Life was simple. There was Night. There was day. God saw that it was good, and in the morning there was the bagel. And God saw that this was good, and God created cream cheese for the bagel, sliced tomato … Continue reading

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Displays

The next time you see Lance Heartthrob at the bar, hair carefully coifed, teeth gleaming white into a fixed grin, open collared shirt revealing a touch of manly hair, sipping a dirty martini… don’t think unkindly of him… he is … Continue reading

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Haiku

In the 7th Grade Mr. Hirata introduced me to the world of Haiku… the distinctive Japanese poetry form written in three lines consisting of five syllables, seven syllables and five syllables. It is the only form of poetry I took … Continue reading

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Another County Heard From

A member from beyond the Hudson offers today’s entry. It was briefly delayed at the receiving desk. Our Head Librarian could not decide on its proper humor classification… “Slightly offensive to a Cultural Minority” or “Examples of brutish males taking … Continue reading

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Pleased to Report…

One of the Senior Agents of the Humor Patrol has just captured a beauty. His (or her) identity must remain hidden since he (or she) might be at risk if his (or her) cover was compromised. Collecting, or stealing, jokes … Continue reading

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Incoming Mail: Penis Enhancements

TIRED OF HAVING A REGULAR LOOKING PENIS? Are you embarrassed in the locker room? Do you lack confidence with the ladies? Have the normal penis extenders not worked the charm as advertised? CHECK OUT THESE EXCITING ITEMS FROM OUR EXTENSIVE … Continue reading

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A Good Way to Start the Day

And in the immortal words of Marv Albert… YES!! and it counts!! A slam dunk if ever we’ve seen one. Ever vigilent, a member of the Humor Patrol has just checked-in with fresh catch of the day. The creel limit … Continue reading

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Humor Patrol

No one has to remind me the seriousness of finding quality humor in the market place. Even with the advent of the internet, most of what gets passed from one citizen to the next is nothing more than tripe. And … Continue reading

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Gentile Jokes

Yes, yes I know what you’re thinking. This is going to be another tasteless excursion in poking fun at people. Stop right there! Ethnic humor is at the core of what sends us into hysteria. Ethnic humor traces its origins to … Continue reading

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Comedy Watch

  I’m tipping my hat to Zack… he has ferreted out a hysterical piece written by some comedian (who I have never heard of… but it’s OK… there’s lots of stuff & folks that I haven’t heard of). The piece included … Continue reading

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Joke Clinic #47: The Accent Joke

I have long since forgotten the source for this piece of humor… it matters not.  This joke is hilarious.  The accent portion in the tag line should be accompanied by a shrug. THE AMAZING GOLDSTEIN A traveling salesman visits a … Continue reading

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From Barbara, Mistress of the Joke

Today’s entry is courtesy of the Charming Miss Barbara, who is the evening Shepherdess at Grapes. She keeps the couth around the Bullpen… putting a stop to the more vulgar displays that we are occasionally prone to. However, when prompted … Continue reading

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Joke Clinic #38: The Failed Punchline

This funny stuff is a tough business. But luckily I have been rescued by one of our legion who has supplied us with a classic example of Mistaken Identity. This device is the structural backbone of the many comedies of … Continue reading

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Advanced Joking

This joke is only available if you have previously completed the segments on “Accent Jokes”, “Jokes of the Southern Hemisphere” & the Seminar “Rubber Barf: Marvel of the 20th Century.” Or… for those humor seekers who have not lost the … Continue reading

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Art of the Joke: The Quickie

Here is a little known fact. Leo Tolstoy was a great story teller. Here was a great novelist who wouldn’t think of writing a book of less than 800 pages in length nor involving fewer characters than the town of … Continue reading

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A Worthy Joke

Yep… the jokes are running like the bluefish in Long Island Sound. What can I say? Feast or famine I suppose. But as High Minister of Vulgar Jokes (a State Government Bureau, I might add… accountable to no one, not … Continue reading

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Joke Clinic #17: The Unexpected Tag Line

  TWO BEGGARS Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One had a Cross in front of him, the other had the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars; but … Continue reading

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URGENT (or nearly so)

  MOST KIND AND GRACIOUS SIR OR MADAME: You do not know me (and then again maybe you do)… I learned of your kind existance through the miracles of the Internet and know you to be a kind, honest and … Continue reading

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