It begins Monday morning. Sometime between midnight and 2:00am. I am up to pee, or think, I’m going to pee, and in this interlude to sleep I begin to plot my strategy for “Bagel Wednesday”. Bagel Wednesday? I’ll get to that.
Let us return briefly to Monday 1:09am: I won’t do lox and cream cheese on an open-faced bagel. Ever! It’s so “Long Island”! Has to be a sandwich. Maybe with capers and a slice of red onion added? Capers? Capers have to be a British thing… non-rhotic speakers who drop their “R’s”… like they do in Long Island. Capers are ok, And so is a slice of ripe tomato. AND, once I acquire the bagels, we have all the fixings!
For many Jews the tradition is to have bagels on Sunday. In fact at one time it was a tradition that I participated in… bagels along with the Sunday New York Times. For the goyim (Yiddish for anyone else) bagels are a workweek regular. Something quick to eat on the go (forget the protein shake people who are just a bunch of smarty-pants-in-your-face health weirdos). Years ago Sandy and I moved bagels to Wednesday because our Sunday mornings are given over to breakfast out at a favorite eatery and then on to grocery shopping for the week. And besides, bagels are not a restaurant thing. Bagels, like good Chinese food, are for “in-home” consumption.
Monday 2:16am: Although I like a good “everything” bagel, I think I’m going to get a plain bagel this time. Plain & not to be toasted. When I cut a bagel open and if it doesn’t have the proper fresh feel, then I will have to toast it. And I don’t like a toasted bagel with lox , cream cheese &c. If it’s not fresh enough, what is my fall-back? A bacon, egg and cheese is a good option for a toasted bagel. But then I have to switch to an everything bagel. Yes, a toasted “everything” bagel is really THE call for a bacon, egg and cheese. Sandy thinks that a bacon, egg and cheese on a bagel is a cultural travesty.
When I was a kid we didn’t have an “everything” bagel. The selection was: plain, egg, raisin, pumpernickel, and then, onion, sesame seed, salt, poppy seed and garlic. The latter five have been combined and morphed into the modern “everything” bagel. A contemporary invention I do enjoy. I’d like to think that there is someone out there with a hyphenated name like Pennington-Smythe, who would go to the counter and ask, “I would like an ‘everything’ bagel, but without the poppy seeds and garlic. Can you do that?”
Monday 3;49am: Nuts! I’m just not interested in the extra prep for a bacon-egg and cheese. I knew this was going to be a problem. I wonder if Dostoyevsky fretted over what type of bagel to eat? What are we to believe when he writes: “I am a sick man. I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man.” This guy could use a good psychiatrist! Or, a bagel! OR, a psychiatrist WITH a bagel! Wait! I could do a toasted bagel with peanut butter. OR, even better, peanut butter on a toasted raisin cinnamon bagel! And peanut butter is almost healthy, right? But what happens if the bagel is really fresh? Am I prepared to lose that freshness to the toaster? Besides, peanut butter edges too close to what a protein shake weirdo might consume!
The history of the bagel is clouded in the fog of time and legend. Most commonly it traces back to 17th century Kraków, although evidence exists that date it back even further. And some suggest that the pretzel from Germany, brought to Poland, was the inspiration. Regardless of the ultimate origin, by the mid-17th century the bagel was a bread staple in Polish Jewish communities. Simply put: wheat dough was shaped by hand into a ring, briefly boiled in water, and then baked. The result is a dense, chewy, doughy interior with a browned and sometimes crisp exterior. The name derives from the Yiddish word beygal (בײגל) from the German dialect word beugel, meaning “ring” or “bracelet”. Meaning, when Mr. or Mrs. Pennington-Smythe orders a bagel from Dunkin Donuts they are unwittingly speaking Yiddish. From Poland the bagel made its way to America in the mid-19th century, brought to our shores by Polish immigrants who settled in New York’s Lower East Side.
Tuesday 2:08am: I wish LaBonne’s still offered French Toast bagels. It’s a great cold weather option. Toast the bagel, butter it and then put a drizzle of maple syrup on it! In a pinch I could do that with a raisin bagel, too. But it’s almost June! Seasonally it’s all wrong! Oh, mortal souls! King Henry V before the battle of Agincourt! “Follow your spirit, and upon this charge Cry, God for Harry, England, Saint George and a pumpernickel bagel with cream cheese & chive!”
Tuesday: 5:00am: I have to get up and drive over to Newtown for my swim and I am still conflicted. “Oh, I am fortune’s fool!”
Not all bagels are created equal. Just as not all pizza is created equal – and remembering that I am from New Haven, AND that has caused some enthusiastic debate (some would say, harsh words) with Sandy, loyal daughter of Brooklyn, as to whether New York pizza surpasses New Haven apizza in quality – I will happily concede that New York bagels reign supreme. They just do. That being said, we have a local bakery in Waterbury, Ami’s, that produces a wonderful bagel of prodigious size and faithful to the cooking process; and thankfully the bagels are delivered fresh daily to LaBonne’s here in Woodbury. As far as bagels from institutional places like Dunkins, they should be avoided at all costs as we do pizza with ham and pineapple.
Wednesday 12:17am: OK, maybe if I get out of bed at 4:00am I can go and pre-cook bacon before going for my swim. That way, the nuisance part of a bacon, egg and cheese will be done before heading out for a swim. And if I swim 2500yds instead of 1000yds it will give LaBonne’s the extra time to get hard rolls out because I’m thinking a toasted hard roll is the way to go. And I’m thinking the hell with a bagel! A bacon, egg & cheese on a hard roll is about as American as a breakfast of fried eggs, bacon, ham, baked beans, black pudding, grilled tomatoes, bangers & potatoes. Never mind, that’s an English thing – but honestly? Who wants to think about a bagel when there is an English breakfast in your mind?
Wednesday 4:45am: LaBonne’s opens at 7:00. OK. An “everything”. Regardless of freshness, going in the toaster. Toasted well, then open faced with a slice of American cheese, slice of tomato with a sprinkle of oregano. Resolved. And what about next week?