{March 6, 44BCE at the home of Gaius Julius Caesar & his wife Calpurnia… it’s morning, in the breakfast room}
CAESAR: What’s this?
CALPURNIA: What does it it look like, Caesar?
CAESAR: French Toast! Again it’s French Toast! I can’t run an Empire on French Toast! Do you think that Alexander the Great ran his Empire on French Toast? I don’t think so!! He had eggs, rashers of bacon, link sausages, home fries, pancakes and French Toast… and lotsa wine! Lots and lotsa wine! Barrels full! That’s how you run an Empire!
CALPURNIA: Sure Caesar, eat like an elephant and you’ll look like one. I can’t keep letting out your togas! They are starting to look like bed sheets! Besides, Alexander kept in better shape than you do… he had the Olympic Games…
CAESAR: Oooh boy, you’re asking for it Calpurnia… One day it’s going to be: bang, boom, & to the moon! Remember one thing, Calpurnia! ONE THING!! In this house I am Emperor! In fact, in every house I am Emperor! You got that Calpurnia?! The Emperor!!!
CALPURNIA: Well… the Emperor better watch what’s going on in the Empire.
CAESAR: What’s that supposed to mean?
CALPURNIA: The word is that there is this new soothsayer in town and he’s not talking about Gaul or Judea… there are all sorts of sooths about Rome.
CAESAR: Soothsayer? Soothsayer? You listen to that garbage? It’s all stupid riddles and verse. Sure! sometimes they get it lucky… like a weatherman. Which reminds me… take a memo, “For the Senate Committee on Domestic Morale: the next time the weatherman is wrong he will be put to death.” No… make that, “put to death in a painful and hideous manner.” And then we’ll see about these sayers of sooths. Mark my words Calpurnia! They’re next! And do you know why?! Do you know why, Calpurnia? Because I am the Emperor, that’s why!!
CALPURNIA: OK Mr. Emperor… remember my Mother is coming to visit in nine days…
CAESAR: Your Mother? That battle axe! Oh no she’s not!
CALPURNIA: Oh yes she is Caesar, and you’d better get used to it!
CAESAR: No she’s not!
CALPURNIA: Every year it’s the same argument. You know it’s Mother’s Birthday! And every year you throw a tantrum kicking and screaming. Well, this year it’s not going to work Caesar! Mother is coming and that’s final! And we are going to have a proper party for her!
CAESAR: That woman is a battle axe. That’s what she is , Calpurnia! A LOUD MOUTH battle axe. Everytime she comes here she snipes at me. Whatever I do is never good enough! Do you want a soothsayer Calpurnia? Here, I’ll give you a sooth: bang, boom & to the moon! And besides in nine days it’s the Ides of March and I’m busy.
CALPURNIA: Busy? Busy doing what?
CAESAR: Calpurnia you know that every Ides I go to the Lodge.
CALPURNIA: The Lodge? Oh, yes… I know about the Lodge! You and Brutus and Cassius and the rest of your buddies… playing cards all night, telling dirty jokes, smoking smelly cigars, drinking too much and behaving like teenagers on their first night out! You are just going to have to tell your pals that for one night they will have to conduct their escapades without you!
CAESAR: Oh no I’m not! And do you know why Calpurnia?? I’ll tell you why! Because I’m the Emperor that’s why!! And you can tell Miss LOUD MOUTH that I’m the Emperor, too! Go ahead Calpurnia! Plan your party… balloons and party hats, whoop dee-doo! But on the Ides of March the Emperor is going to the Lodge to be with his friends!