Overheard Near the Curia Pomperiana

{February 44B.C.E. Rome}

ALFIE: Reggie, maybe you ought to look for a different line of work.

REGGIE: What d’ya mean Owfie?

ALFIE: I mean that you’re not doin’ too well with this soothsaying. I mean you’re not makin’ a livin’ Reggie.

REGGIE: But I’m good! I am better than good, Owfie! I can’t ‘elp it if no one listens to me. Besides, what else could I do?

ALFIE: They’re looking for blokes at the baths. You could ‘and out towels at the Baths.

REGGIE: I don’t think so… ooops, here’s one comin’ now. “Buy low, sell ‘igh.” There, that’s a pretty good sooth! What d’ I tell you Owfie? I’m good!

ALFIE: What’s it mean, Reggie… “buy low, sell ‘igh”?

REGGIE: ‘aven’t the foggiest. That’s not my callin’. I just tell the sooths as they come to me.

ALFIE: Callin’?

REGGIE: Yeah… like bein’ a Rabbi.

ALFIE: Gawan, you a Rabbi?

REGGIE: Naught me silly. Besides, you think I got it bad? Those Rabbis ‘ave it worse. They ‘ave a tough time getting’ blokes to be Jews. Ya gotta get circumcised.

ALFIE: Circumcised?

REGGIE: Right!  Ya gotta get your dick trimmed! Do you want your dick trimmed Owfie?

ALFIE: No one is touching my dick, Reggie.

REGGIE: See, I ‘eard it said that there’s going to be this new group of Jews startin’ up where they don’t touch your dick.

ALFIE: Well, that wouldn’t be so bad… would it?  I mean, it might be OK, seein’ that they don’t touch your dick.

REGGIE: Shhhhh, I am going to say another sooth, “Walk softly; but carry a big stick.”

ALFIE: I got it Reggie! “Big dick”… see?  These Jews are never gonna ‘mount to nuthin’ if they keep trimmin’ dicks!

REGGIE: Stick you ninny, not dick!  Why am I wastin’ all these great sooths on you… will you tell me?

ALFIE: Well… I still say you better find a job what pays. Why don’t you join the Army? Now there’s a good job. See the world, plenty of adventure, wear great clothes, you get to subdue people, spoil the crops, rape and pillage…

REGGIE: Rape? Does it pay well?

ALFIE: Not as well as pillaging; but you make out awright.

REGGIE: Raping? Do you need experience?

ALFIE: I’m not sure Reggie. You might have to work your way up. You know… they probably begin you with raping vegetables like eggplants or something, then when you get to be a Centurion you get to ‘ave a go with chickens…

REGGIE: I don’t know if the Missus is going to be pleased with that… OK, here’s another sooth… I think it’s from some type of drama…

“Soothsayer: Beware the Ides of March.

Caesar: What man is that?

Brutus: A soothsayer bids you beware the Ides of March.

Caesar: Set him before me; let me see his face.

Cassius: Fellow, come from the throng; look upon Caesar.

Caesar: What say’st thou to me now? Speak once again.

Soothsayer: Beware the Ides of March.

Caesar: He is a dreamer; let us leave him. Pass.

{Sennet. Exeunt all but Brutus and Cassius}”

ALFIE: That sure is a fancy sooth Reggie… and there’s a part in there for you! Although it’s not much of a part. I mean you don’t have many lines: “Beware of the Ides of March”… it probably doesn’t pay a lot. And look… Caesar doesn’t even pay attention to you! “Let us leave him. Pass.” Doesn’t that tell you something? I tell you what it tells you! That the job in the baths is looking better and better, that’s what!!

REGGIE: You say chickens, Owfie?

ALFIE: Eggplants first, then chickens. By the by Reggie, what’s “exeunt” mean?

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