{February 44B.C.E. Rome}
ALFIE: Reggie, maybe you ought to look for a different line of work.
REGGIE: What d’ya mean Owfie?
ALFIE: I mean that you’re not doin’ too well with this soothsaying. I mean you’re not makin’ a livin’ Reggie.
REGGIE: But I’m good! I am better than good, Owfie! I can’t ‘elp it if no one listens to me. Besides, what else could I do?
ALFIE: They’re looking for blokes at the baths. You could ‘and out towels at the Baths.
REGGIE: I don’t think so… ooops, here’s one comin’ now. “Buy low, sell ‘igh.” There, that’s a pretty good sooth! What d’ I tell you Owfie? I’m good!
ALFIE: What’s it mean, Reggie… “buy low, sell ‘igh”?
REGGIE: ‘aven’t the foggiest. That’s not my callin’. I just tell the sooths as they come to me.
ALFIE: Callin’?
REGGIE: Yeah… like bein’ a Rabbi.
ALFIE: Gawan, you a Rabbi?
REGGIE: Naught me silly. Besides, you think I got it bad? Those Rabbis ‘ave it worse. They ‘ave a tough time getting’ blokes to be Jews. Ya gotta get circumcised.
ALFIE: Circumcised?
REGGIE: Right! Ya gotta get your dick trimmed! Do you want your dick trimmed Owfie?
ALFIE: No one is touching my dick, Reggie.
REGGIE: See, I ‘eard it said that there’s going to be this new group of Jews startin’ up where they don’t touch your dick.
ALFIE: Well, that wouldn’t be so bad… would it? I mean, it might be OK, seein’ that they don’t touch your dick.
REGGIE: Shhhhh, I am going to say another sooth, “Walk softly; but carry a big stick.”
ALFIE: I got it Reggie! “Big dick”… see? These Jews are never gonna ‘mount to nuthin’ if they keep trimmin’ dicks!
REGGIE: Stick you ninny, not dick! Why am I wastin’ all these great sooths on you… will you tell me?
ALFIE: Well… I still say you better find a job what pays. Why don’t you join the Army? Now there’s a good job. See the world, plenty of adventure, wear great clothes, you get to subdue people, spoil the crops, rape and pillage…
REGGIE: Rape? Does it pay well?
ALFIE: Not as well as pillaging; but you make out awright.
REGGIE: Raping? Do you need experience?
ALFIE: I’m not sure Reggie. You might have to work your way up. You know… they probably begin you with raping vegetables like eggplants or something, then when you get to be a Centurion you get to ‘ave a go with chickens…
REGGIE: I don’t know if the Missus is going to be pleased with that… OK, here’s another sooth… I think it’s from some type of drama…
“Soothsayer: Beware the Ides of March.
Caesar: What man is that?
Brutus: A soothsayer bids you beware the Ides of March.
Caesar: Set him before me; let me see his face.
Cassius: Fellow, come from the throng; look upon Caesar.
Caesar: What say’st thou to me now? Speak once again.
Soothsayer: Beware the Ides of March.
Caesar: He is a dreamer; let us leave him. Pass.
{Sennet. Exeunt all but Brutus and Cassius}”
ALFIE: That sure is a fancy sooth Reggie… and there’s a part in there for you! Although it’s not much of a part. I mean you don’t have many lines: “Beware of the Ides of March”… it probably doesn’t pay a lot. And look… Caesar doesn’t even pay attention to you! “Let us leave him. Pass.” Doesn’t that tell you something? I tell you what it tells you! That the job in the baths is looking better and better, that’s what!!
REGGIE: You say chickens, Owfie?
ALFIE: Eggplants first, then chickens. By the by Reggie, what’s “exeunt” mean?