Blind Pork Tail Schwartz (1919 -2008) {Los Angeles} After a period of extended decline the music great, Blind Pork Tail Schwartz passed away to what has been referred to as mostly natural causes. The announcement came from his long time publicist and personal chef Tina Tea, “the greatest kazoo player of our lifetime has joined the big band in the sky.”
Considered to be the greatest of the blues kazoo players, some of the titans of the genre have expressed their deep sadness. Blues icon B.B. King noted, “My oh my, but that dude could play!” Eric Clapton remembered, “I was looking for another lead instrument for a music project that I was putting together {Derek and the Dominoes} and asked Pork Tail to join the recording sessions; but he couldn’t because of other commitments in the Catskills, so we had to settle for Duane Allman.” Buddy Guy, when notified of Schwartz’ death, added a tribute song to his playlist on the evening. From the stage he announced, “I have just learned of the passing of a great personal friend, someone who opened my act for ten years and would then sit in on hot numbers with my band. I’d like to play ‘Chopped Liver Done No Man No Harm’… this is for you Pork Tail.”
Bernard Schwartz was born blind in Charleston, South Carolina to a family of comfortable means. Martin Schwartz owned a successful dry goods store. Rachel Schwartz taught Hebrew School. Bernard at age 8 was given a kazoo. In the documentary on PBS that first aired in 1997, Schwartz said, “My mama gave me a kazoo… she thought I wuz playin’ too much with myself or by myself… {chuckle} Well, that wuz Mama!” At age 10 he wrote his first song, “Chopped Liver Done No Man No Harm”… it brought him immediate success with its haunting lyric:
It doesn’t look good
It doesn’t taste good
Oh, my day is long
This song was first recorded by the Blues immortal Robert Johnson, and soon after that Bernard left his family home and moved to the Mississippi Delta to join Johnson traveling the countryside playing their music. Schwartz recalled that period of his life, “I wuz dirt poor; but happy… ya’ know there wuz the Depression goin’ on, an’ all… I jest played my music, did a little reefer… oh, I guess I wasn’t supposed to say that {chuckle}.”
When World War II came, Schwartz tried to enlist. The Draft Board turned him away. Disappointed, he said, “…they didn’t take blind folks into the Army, or the Navy fer that matter.” Still, he felt he had to do his part to help the war effort so he signed on with the USO and toured bases, most notably with the Andrew Sisters. “I wrote Boogie Woogie Kazoo Boy (Company B) fer them. Great little song. But half way thru one tour I wuz aksed to leave. I had what d’ya call a social disease. Well, LaVerne, Maxene and Patty got it, too! I told em that we musta got it from the same toilet seat! But the guys in charge didn’t buy it! {chuckle} So, they kicked my ass out and changed the song to a Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy. Ain’t that the dumbest thing ya ever heard?”
After the War, Schwartz’ popularity crested. He was in constant demand as a session man. He recorded with Buddy Rich, Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald and the Ink Spots among others. He also toured with Louis Armstrong as a featured guest performer. Of Schwartz the great Satchmo said, “That cat can play.”
Revived interest in the Blues in the 70s brought him back to his roots. He traveled with Muddy Waters, B.B. King, Johnny Lee Hooker and others to England to record with a host of British Blues musicians: Eric Clapton, Ron Wood, Charlie Watts, Nicky Hopkins, Steve Winwood, Peter Green, Jimmy Page, Mick Fleetwood and Rod Stewart.
Speaking of those days Schwartz just shook his head, “Crazy, man… jes crazy. You know those guys over there speak English. You know, WOW! They got funny toilets over there, though… real funny {chuckle}… and they sure have a funny way of talkin’.”
In 1979 he was invited to Moscow to play in the Palace of Congresses in the Kremlin. He played to three sold out performances of Mussorgsky’s Pictures at an Exhibition. It is the only time that great musical piece was played in its entirety on the kazoo. He was awarded the Medal of Freedom and Culture and named an Artist of the People. After his final performance, Leonid Brezhnev embraced him in his signature bear hug… the Soviet Premier waved warmly to the crowd, took the microphone and shouted, “Tot chuvak umeyet igrat!”
His last concert was in 2003 to help celebrate Johnny Winter’s successful completion of his 17th re-hab program. The two blues kings worked their way thru “It’s My Own Fault”, “Jumping Jack Flash” and “Johnny Be Good”. Their encore number was “Chopped Liver Done No Man No Harm.”
Mama said yes
I said No
She said you hafta
Oh, my day is long
Back stage Winter put Schwartz’ performance in perspective, “sledgvek mghke qoplw plkwsh!”
Blind Pork Tail Schwartz is survived by no one that he will admit to.
“This correction of a short writty is the funniest larf I’ve ever ready.”
from John Lennon’s ” In His Own Write.”
Circa 1964
I received this e-mail on October 6th 2008 when I was in the home of the Blues, Chicago.
My favorite line from the piece is “Blind Pork Tail Schwartz is survived by no one that he will admit to.” (Which can have multiple meanings…) as I wondered.. “..that he will admit to” (deadbeat father of mutiple children via LaVerne, Maxene and Patty) or is it “no one will admit to being related to Blind Pork Tail?”
Winston keeps you guessing.