The Bad Guys

As far back as our oldest surviving piece of literature, Beowulf, (written in Old English), the forces of good have been pitted against the forces of evil. Beowulf, a hero of the Geats, comes to the aid of Hrothgar, the king of the Danes, whose mead hall in Heorot has been under attack by a monster known as Grendel. After Beowulf slays him, Grendel’s Mother attacks the hall and is then also defeated. Without the existence of Grendel, and Grendel’s Mother (a Mother! Can you imagine! And I will be referring back to her later), how would we regard Beowulf? He’d be just another besotted Baltic thug in need of a bath and a night to sleep it off.

Literature, be it in poem, song or prose can’t survive without some level of “good guy/bad guy.” Without that blend we are deprived of what makes us human. We would lose a vibrant tension that feeds our emotional needs. It would be like throwing out all the colors in crayon box except tan.

From Beowulf, flash forward to the 20th century. This lesson was not lost on Walt Disney. In 1937 from a Grimm’s fairytale he created his first heroine. She had “Lips red as the rose. Hair black as ebony. Skin white as snow.” But a bad guy was needed. Without Queen Grimhilde, Snow White would merely be remembered as a 14-year-old Princess who sings songs to animals and hangs out with seven little men (which, I might add, has all the makings for an X-rated porn film). For the evil Queen, Disney envisioned her as a mixture of Lady Macbeth and the Big Bad Wolf. He wanted her to be beautiful, but (in his words) her “beauty is sinister, mature, plenty of curves — she becomes ugly and menacing when scheming.” No way around it, Grimhilde was scary. And for the narrative’s success, the innocence, kindness, and beauty Snow White needed Grimhilde’s evil as a counterpoint.

Disney knew that “bad” was essential in helping define the “good”. Lady Tremaine had to be there to make Cinderella’s life miserable. And Baloo the Bear’s raison d’être was to nurture and protect Mowgli from the vengeance seeking Shere Khan the Tiger. Simba in the “Lion King” needed to overcome the villainy of his Uncle Scar (he who was responsible for the death of Simba’s Father).

These bad guys fascinate me.

Before you think otherwise, I have not placed all my chips on “black” in roulette. I love the hero and the underdog just like you do! Further, there is something totally endearing in Disney heroes and heroines.  Well drawn, filled with charm. Then why this interest on Disney’s dark side? Let me assure you it’s completely accidental.

It began quite simply. One day I shared a conversation with Zachary about the acting talent Disney has recruited over the years to be the voices of characters in their animated films. By any standard this is an impressive list of women and men. We went thru the Disney canon (SPOILER ALERT: the Pixar films were off-limits). And it struck me, and I think Zack, too… that some of the best voice characterizations were villains. The bad guys. Sometimes, completely unsympathetic stinkers.

For my own purposes the next step was to define what made the Disney bad guy, bad… and in many cases scary bad. I see it as a mix, in some combination of: drawing, script (what they said, or what they did) and voice. Then having identified and defined the attributes of each villain… why not rank them?  {Be advised that I place a good deal of weight on voice, which I will get to anon.}

How would Disney mucky-mucks go about selecting the artist assigned to the job of drawing the bad guy. Is it based on his or her artistic skill? Maybe the artist just hates little kids? Or is a poor tipper? There has to be something there. The artist has to channel an inner meanness!  In the right hands the drawing of Ursula the Sea Witch should just naturally flow onto the page. Ursula is a brilliantly drawn bad guy, and is my vote for the direct link to Grendel’s Mother (you remember her! Wrecking the mead hall in Beowulf).

While a drawing can quickly identify a character’s perfidy (you don’t have to read the script or hear the voice to know that Jaffar in “Aladdin” is evil!), the words and deeds of a character will as a matter of course reinforce the nasty in the drawn character. For pure meanness of spirit, nothing can surpass Maleficent’s lines when she confronts the shackled Prince Philip in her dungeon. It is my favorite scene in the film. First you have her scary descent down the stone stairs in her castle. She enters the dungeon cell with her ever present raven, and then with Tchaikovsky’s score in the background (No. 9, Finale), she calmly paints a picture tinged with bone chilling irony: “Oh come now Prince Philip. Why so melancholy? A wondrous future lies before you — you, the destined hero of a charming fairy tale come true. [looking into the crystal at the head of her staff] Behold — King Stefan’s castle. And in yonder topmost tower, dreaming of her true love, the Princess Aurora. But see the gracious whim of fate — why, ’tis the self-same peasant maid, who won the heart of our noble prince but yesterday. She is indeed, most wondrous fair. Gold of sunshine in her hair, lips that shame the red red rose. In ageless sleep, she finds repose. The years roll by, but a hundred years to a steadfast heart, are but a day. And now, the gates of a dungeon part, and our prince is free to go his way. Off he rides, on his noble steed, a valiant figure, straight and tall! To wake his love, with love’s first kiss. And prove that “true love” conquers all!”  She “seals the deal” by laughing as she exits the dungeon. Maleficent is clearly a really bad guy!

But what happens when a character looks evil in the drawn image, does horrible things, and then sounds like a lout? Well, that’s a perfect storm isn’t it? But remember… this exercise began with the idea that some “A-List” talent provided the voices for these characters. And now turn to my rankings of Disney Villains, you will see that a menacing voice is my standard. I want to be able to close my eyes, hear a line delivered, and know that the character is the devil incarnate.

Shere Khan (The Jungle Book): George Sanders

Shere Khan

I am convinced that Rudyard Kipling came to Walt Disney in a dream and whispered in his ear, “Cast George Sanders as the Tiger, or don’t make the film.” My choice of Sanders as numero uno bad guys is largely sentimental. It is driven by my love for his performance in the film “All About Eve.” He played the arch cad Addison DeWitt, for which he won the Academy Award for Best Supporting. DeWitt was elegantly attired, possessed splendid vocabulary… his lines were delivered with a soothing but sinister cynicism. His role as Shere Khan is a perfect extension of his performance as Addison DeWitt. There is an obvious degree of sophisticated nastiness in Shere Khan. He is at once a royal Bengal Tiger, clearly of high culture, yet ruthless in his quest to settle a score with humans.

Scar (The Lion King): Jeremy Irons

Scar

An argument could be made that Irons portrayal of Scar should take top prize. Scar had a much bigger part than Shere Khan. Scar is instantly unlikable. Killing his brother King Mustafa? Plotting to kill his nephew, the heir apparent? Siding with the hyenas against the pride? Scar is really, really bad! Positively medieval! And then there is Irons himself… he had the perfect resumé for playing Scar. He was Claus von Bülow in the 1990 film “Reversal of Fortune” — the New York socialite who murdered his wealthy wife and was acquitted on appeal! Plus, Irons has the voice! Similar to Sanders, a dignified continental tone that speaks of wealth and treachery.

Hades (Hercules): James Woods

Hercules

I knew nothing of this film. I had absolutely no interest in seeing it on DVD or Netflix. It was Zachary who pointed me in the direction of the film because of James Woods portrayal of Hades. First, Hades is a terrific drawing… a flaming monster, colored in a blue hue that changes to a brilliant red when he blows his stack. And with a mouthful of pointy teeth. The guy is bad news. For the most part Woods keeps a modulated tone, and it’s his delivery of the lines that makes the performance memorable. His pace and timing can’t be surpassed… certainly as distinctive as, say Christopher Walken’s. Then, many of his lines are adlibbed. “My name is Hades, Lord of the Dead. Hi. How ya doin’?” wonderfully smart assed in the vein of Robin Williams’ Genie in “Aladdin”. The difference between to two characters? Genie is a lovable hero, and Hades is a sinister dude. And trust me, you don’t want to see him when he’s angry.

Ursula (The Little Mermaid): Pat Carroll

Ursula

Ursula is the “perfect storm”. She has everything: drawing, dialogue (to which we can add a killer song) & voice. I can remember Pat Carroll in Danny Thomas’ “Make Room for Daddy” 50s sitcom. And nothing prepared me for her appearance as a larger than life octopus/sea witch. Booming voice, appropriate for her girth, and belting out a fabulous song… I admit that in the past I’ve been nasty/They weren’t kidding when they called me, well a witch/But you’ll find that now-a-days/I’ve mended all my ways, repented, seen the light and took a switch/true? Yes. And I fortunately know a little magic/It’s a talent that I always have possessed, but now dear lately, please don’t laugh/I use it on behalf, of the miserable, lonely and depressed! Poor, unfortunate souls! So sad, so true! This one longing to be thinner, that one wants to get the girl and do I help them? Yes, indeed! Now it’s happened once or twice/someone couldn’t pay the price/and I’m afraid I have to rake them across the coals! Rake them across the coals indeed! And at the end of the film she is transformed into a towering creature of the sea unchecked in her appetite for power and domination. Terrifying! (SPOILER ALERT: She loses).

Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty): Eleanor Audley

Maleficent

Take a look at old illustrations and woodcuts of Satan. Goat’s horns adorn the devil. And what do we see when Maleficent first appears. Her slender form cloaked in black, her head gear? Goat’s horns! Need we say more? Jiminy Crickets! This is not someone you take home to your Mother! And then in front of the gathered royalty and nobilty, there to honor the betrothal of the infant Princess, Maleficent bangs her staff on the stone floor, the sound echoes in the great hall, and she announces in carefully chosen words to the assembled “The princess shall indeed grow in grace and beauty, beloved by all who know her. *But*… before the sun sets on her 16th birthday, she shall prick her finger — on the spindle of a spinning wheel — and DIE!” Talk about a mood killer! Is this the time to bring up that at the end of the film she turns into a fire breathing dragon?

Grimhilde (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs): Lucille La Verne

Grimhilde

For a first time effort in villainy Disney did a helluva job. Whether in regal appearance clothed in purple and black, or transformed into the hideous crone, hunched with hawked nose and wart, Grimhilde is both chilling and scary. Not only was she frightening in the film, the Evil Queen was so frightening in Disney World’s “Snow White’s Scary Adventures” that the attraction was closed down! Writer for the Tampa Bay Times, Sean Daly described the Queen in the ride, “Bulging eyes. Gnarled fingers. Smoker’s-cough cackle. She lurks in Snow White’s Scary Adventures, a herky-jerky kiddie ride that starts innocently — until your car crashes through a wall into the black-light darkness. Before your eyes can adjust, she makes her move. I was 5 when I first went face-to-face with that woman. I sobbed. And like millions of others, I’ve never forgotten her.” And what higher tribute for a “bad guy” could there be?  Scaring the snot out of children since 1937!!

Iago (Aladdin): Gilbert Gottfried

Iago

This maybe considered a controversial pick considering Iago was second banana to the film’s principle evil character: Jaffar (Jonathan Freeman). And Jaffar as scheming evil-doer stands with the best of them. Then why do I place Iago above Jaffar? Yes, the idea of a bad guy being a parrot is amusing. But the reason Iago made my Top Ten is because Gilbert Gottfried has a spectacularly irritating voice! It’s like Cyndi Lauper and Fran Dressler times ten. Gottfried’s voice is actually nausea inducing. Are you bothered by raw chalk scratching against the blackboard? Honestly, I don’t know how anyone can last thru Gottfried’s stand-up routine no matter how funny his jokes might be.  Unlike the other bad guys listed here, when I see Iago in the film I can actually see Gottfried’s squinting delivery of the lines!

Mother Gothel (Tangled): Donna Murphy

Mother Gothel

Some have noted that Mothel Gothel’s drawing bears a striking resemblance to Cher. I agree. And maybe that alone wins her a place on this list! We only get a very brief view of Gothel in her decrepit form. Other than that, essentially she is pretty hot looking for a bad guy. But there is an element to Gothel’s evil that we don’t see in other villains. She is at times self deprecating, at times patronizing, sarcastic and never far from displaying a self-serving charm... Rapunzel, please, stop with the mumbling. You know how I feel about the mumbling. Blah blah blah blah blah, it’s very annoying! I’m just teasing, you’re adorable. I love you so much, darling. The animation of that scene has to be one of Disney’s best. But behind the smiles and faux caring, there is no question about her meanness and selfishness. Enough with the lights, Rapunzel! YOU are not leaving this tower! EVER! [sits down dramatically] Great. Now I’M the bad guy! Gothel is bad in a very I-know-that-type-of-person way. And how scary is that!

Queen of Hearts (Alice in Wonderland): Verna Felton

Queen of Hearts

I think the Queen of Hearts is more “incorrigible” than “evil”. Yes she shouts and scowls and looks damn angry most of the time. Not the stuff of pure villainy. I include her here because of her maltreatment of the King. Sorry, she is a text book bossy, pain in the ass wife. In short, the Queen of Hearts is the bane of existence for every decent, kind hearted  & weak-kneed man. The Queen is forever sending folks to the block for beheading, and the King has to sneak around to grant pardons! And sneak is the operative word here. Forget that she is twice the size of the King!   We may not fear the Queen of Hearts… but the King certainly does!

Captain Hook (Peter Pan): Hans Conried

Captain Hook

In my first draft of the Top Ten, Hook placed much higher. But truth be told, I find Hook loveable! And besides, he’s a snappy dresser! In fact, I thought about creating an entirely separate category: “Bad Guys, But Loveable.” Yes, the hook is a scary prop. Yes, he has a bad attitude. He even actively enlists Tinkerbell as a confederate against Peter Pan! By far his worst offense! But dastardly, blood-dripping-from-the-mouth villain? Really? He is a buffoon who stumbled into the bad guy part. But I have to include Hook on this list for one very important reason. Hans Conried is fantastic! He also voices Mr. Darling. And he hits all the right notes in both parts. Rolls his “R’s” splendidly, and I don’t think anyone could have expressed exasperation and frustration better than Conried! Yes, Hook is guilty of deceiving Tinkerbell! But look more closely, Hook was merely exploiting the seething jealousy that Tinkerbell had for Wendy! Hook addresses Tinkerbell, And that’s why I asked you over, me dear, to tell Peter I bear him no ill will. Oh, Pan has his faults, to be sure. Bringing that Wendy to the island, for instance. Dangerous business, that. Why, rumor has it that already she has come between you and Peter… Oh, Smee, the way of a man with a maid: taking the best years of her life and then casting her aside like an old glove! But we musn’t judge Peter too harshly, my dear. It’s that Wendy who’s to blame. Yes, even a lovable villain deserves a place on my list!!

Captain Hook throws shade on the author, to the amusement of Princess Summer.

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Hand Melons

This story begins with Margie’s Market on Whalley Ave. I can remember going there with Mom. There maybe no other market on the planet where you are not allowed (I’ll say it again, not allowed) to pick out your own fruit and vegetables. Margie had to select for you. You told her want you wanted… 6 peaches. Fine. She would go over to peaches and pick out six for you. You could not touch the fruit before hand to, perhaps, inspect the ripeness. No. She chose. And while Mom put in her request Margie was sure to keep a watchful eye on me, lest I get too close to the baskets & trays of produce.

Perhaps it is only fitting that in a prestige market like Margie’s she would be able to source fruits and vegetables from select boutique purveyors. And such was the case with her cantaloupes! Her cantaloupes came from a farm from who-knows-where. The little sticker on the melon identified it as “Hand”. And the melons were insanely good! A brilliant green inner rind. Their size approached the size of a honeydew. Flavor could not be beaten.

As case would have it, sometimes there was a disruption of availability. And as you can imagine, Mom was not going to take this inconvenience lying down. And considering this was in the day before the internet, my guess is that Mom confronted (maybe approached is the better word) Margie about revealing the source of these magnificent melons. How much cajoling she had to do to gain this important piece of information I can’t say. But she did.

And one day, she enlisted Sherman Grant as her confederate, and they drove up to Greenwich, NY to the Hand Farm. If you didn’t know, Greenwich, NY is well northeast of Schenectady and south of Montreal. She loaded up the trunk of the Caddie with cases of Hand Melons and drove back to New Haven.

I’m confident she told Mr. Hand that she traveled all that way because the melons were worth taking the extra step for (or in this case driving 7 hours round trip). She may have left the impression that she was a fruit seller, or was there on behalf of Margie. I can’t say. She had pulled stunts like this before. And, just guessing, I think she got a better price.

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JIMMIES PARKING LOT, a short addendum to my previous post

I missed an important detail of the “Jimmies Experience.” It has taken a couple of beastly hot and humid days here in Woodbury to fully restore my image of Jimmies, and more specifically, of the parking lot.  After a summer scorcher, the black top retained the heat well into the night.  Forget about coming off the beach during the day and walking barefoot across the parking lot.  The beating sun was not only “re-cooking” squished French fries, bits of discarded rolls, clams & etc. that littered the black top, but the heated asphalt would also do a number on your feet!  You gotta know that those damned seagulls would be laughing their beaks off as you hot-footed your way to the counter!

But even at night the surface of the lot radiated a warmth that intensified the rich scent of fried foods, pungent condiments & spilled sodas! Yes, I loved the hotdogs, lobster rolls, fried clams, and French fries… but take away the parking lot, take away the cooking grill open to the air, take away a hot summer night and you have missed what made Jimmies so special (you can take away the seagulls).  Ohhhh… to be transported back to a July Saturday night… to enjoy some clams on the half shell, two dogs, an order of fries and an order of fried belly clams – I can hear my arteries congealing now.

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Roar of the Greasepaint, Smell of the Crowd

In the Spring of 1967 I took part in Hamden Hall Country Day School’s production of George Bernard Shaw’s “Androcles and the Lion”.  I was the Lion. In spite of the prominence of the name in the title, the role of the Lion in the play is actually a bit part.  Thankfully my lines and action were to gruff, growl, roar & hop about the stage and a brief dance with Androcles. I was on stage for the introductory scene, and then in the concluding scene. That’s it.  I was recruited for the part by my English Teacher, Mr. Fowler Osborn who served as the play’s Director. Key for me was no memorization.  Mr. Osborn allowed me to improvise my “lines”.  Improvisation… this is important, as you will see in the story I am about to relate.

A couple of months ago I was in Woodbury’s IGA, LaBonne’s, to pick-up 2 bagels, cream cheese & a fresh tomato for Sandy’s and my traditional Wednesday morning repast.  LaBonne’s is wonderfully local.  There is a fully stocked Stop & Shop… and even more stocked ShopRite both just 12 minutes away in Southbury.  Not only do these markets have greater product selectivity, but they are also cheaper!  Still there is a draw to our LaBonne’s.  You get to know the people who work there, and you get to mingle with like minded neighbors who prefer to stay local.  Even if you don’t know all the names and faces of the other shoppers, there is something reassuring in seeing folks that “live down the street.”

And on this one Wednesday, as I am waiting on line at the register, a man tapped me on the shoulder and introduces himself to me, “Excuse me, I hope you don’t mind me for being bold, but you have an interesting look.  I am the Artistic Director for Woodbury’s Main Street Players and we are mounting a new production and I have a part for you… If you are interested.”

If you are interested.  It’s only been 51 years since my last theatrical appearance…  But the title of the play certainly captured my interest. I was to be cast in the role of General Fitz John Porter in the play “The Court-Martial of General George B. McClellan.”

McClellan holds a fascinating place in U.S. Military History.  A graduate of West Point’s famous Class of 1846… famous because the class produced 22 generals that fought in the Civil War.  McClellan graduated second in a class of 59 Cadets (West Point’s largest class to that point), and his classmates included Confederate Generals Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson, A.P. Hill & George Pickett.  After the Federal defeat at the First Battle of Bull Run, Lincoln called on McClellan to take on command of the newly created Army of the Potomac.  McClellan feuded constantly with the General-in-Chief, Winfield Scott… and engineered Scott’s removal from overall command.  McClellan then was appointed to be General-in-Chief, in addition to being in Command of the Army of the Potomac.  After the crushing failure of his Peninsular Campaign when Robert E. Lee out fought him before Richmond, Lincoln removed him from Command of all Federal Armies, although McClellan retained Command of the Army of the Potomac.

After securing Richmond, Lee moved to strike directly into the North, took the Army of Virginia into Maryland looking for bases of re-supply and to bring pressure on Washington, DC.  Providence played into McClellan’s hands when two Union soldiers discovered a mislaid copy of Lee’s detailed battle plans (Special Order 191) wrapped around three cigars.  Armed with this valuable intelligence, the Army of Potomac pivoted to meet the Confederate movements.  One of the Civil War’s historic engagements, the Battle of Antietam, ensued on September 17, 1862.  It was the bloodiest day in United States history with a combined 22,717 dead, wounded or missing. Union forces held the field, and Lee retreated back across the Potomac to Virginia. McClellan made no attempt to move the Army of the Potomac in pursuit of the weakened Lee.

Lincoln was at wit’s end with McClellan feeling that an opportunity to deal a decisive knock-out blow against the main Confederate battle army had been missed.  Lincoln took the occasion to visit McClellan’s Headquarters at Antietam.  At the meeting President Lincoln sacked McClellan.  McClellan would never command an army in the field again.

Lincoln meets with McClellan at Antietam. Gen’l Fitz John Porter, on far right

The “Court-Martial of General George B. McClellan” is a counter-factual account of the aftermath of Antietam.  The play is set in a military courtroom, and traces the building discord between Lincoln and McClellan thru a series of flashback vignettes, culminating in charges of gross insubordination being brought against McClellan.

My part as General Fitz John Porter takes place in the flash back scene of the Lincoln/McClellan Antietam meeting. Porter served under McClellan in the Army of the Potomac and participated in the Peninsula Campaign, the Second Battle of Bull Run and the Maryland Campaign.  A protégé of the disgraced McClellan, Porter was indeed court-martialed and found guilty of disobedience and misconduct for actions during Bull Run and dismissed from the army on January 21, 1863. In 1878 a special commission under General John Schofield exonerated Porter.

Porter’s one line in the scene given just prior to Lincoln’s arrival is: “General, my I offer you a cigar?”

During our first full rehearsal I decided to add a small embellishment and delivered the line as follows:

“General McClellan, may I offer you a cigar?  And General McClellan this is not just any cigar!  It’s one of three cigars found by Corporal Mitchell and First Sergeant Bloss of the 27th Indiana Volunteers with the Lee’s Orders for the campaign! I can already attest to the excellence of the cigars!   I took the liberty of trying one!  Exceptional leaf tobacco used in the wrapper… sourced from the Connecticut Valley I’d wager.  Other elements were probably from Cuba judging by the nearly intoxicating scent, flavor and the dazzling lift of smoke that gently floated in the September air.  Excellent length, a superb smoke that can be savored for 30 minutes or more.  And what better way to savor a fine cigar than to celebrate your brilliant victory over that Rebel scoundrel! Think of it like Coach Red Auerbach lighting up a good sized stogie when he knew the Boston Celtics had the game ‘in the bag.’ Everyone in the Arena knew what was what.  The fans, the opposing players, and in particular the opposing coach!  Even with time remaining on the clock, the outcome was settled!  Game over!  When Auerbach lit up that cigar and he was smooshing the opposing coach’s nose in shit!  So Sir, enjoy the smoke!  Game over, Bobby Lee!”

After the rehearsal the Artistic Director advised me that they would be going in a different direction for scene.  I was thanked for my efforts and enthusiasm, I was relieved of my sword… but I was allowed to keep my cap.

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