Trouble in Caesar’s Household

Ides of March, 44 B.C.E.

Caesar:  Calpurnia! Oh, Calpurrrrrrr-neeee-yah! [from the background, “yes, what is it?] Calpurnia where did you put the spare rolls of toilet paper? I have to “go” and there’s no toilet paper here!  Only two small sheets! [from the background, “it will have to do, dear…”]  It will have to do dear?  It will have to do dear!! I’m the Emperor!  What good is it being the Emperor, Emperor for life I might add, if there is no toilet paper in the house! 

Calpurnia enters the bathroom

Calpurnia:  It’ll have to do.  Here, use this.  Some rags from one of your old togas.  I couldn’t get the wine stains out.  Then you can head over to the Senate.  There is a small kiosk over there that sells “toilet sundries”.  Brutus said there is a toilet paper sale today!

Caesar:  Sale?

Calpurnia: Yes, sale.  Buy 2, get one free. And it’s double green stamps today!

Caesar:  Is it the kind I like? Soft, plush & absorbent?  I don’t want the extra-strength scratchy kind!

Calpurnia:  Yes, yes, yes… Brutus said it’s the kind you like.  You better hurry and get over there before they sell out!

Caesar:  OK.  Brutus wouldn’t betray me.

“tsk, tsk,tsk they only had the extra-strength scratchy kind”

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