Ides of March, 44 B.C.E.
Caesar: Calpurnia! Oh, Calpurrrrrrr-neeee-yah! [from the background, “yes, what is it?] Calpurnia where did you put the spare rolls of toilet paper? I have to “go” and there’s no toilet paper here! Only two small sheets! [from the background, “it will have to do, dear…”] It will have to do dear? It will have to do dear!! I’m the Emperor! What good is it being the Emperor, Emperor for life I might add, if there is no toilet paper in the house!
Calpurnia enters the bathroom
Calpurnia: It’ll have to do. Here, use this. Some rags from one of your old togas. I couldn’t get the wine stains out. Then you can head over to the Senate. There is a small kiosk over there that sells “toilet sundries”. Brutus said there is a toilet paper sale today!
Calpurnia: Yes, sale. Buy 2, get one free. And it’s double green stamps today!
Caesar: Is it the kind I like? Soft, plush & absorbent? I don’t want the extra-strength scratchy kind!
Calpurnia: Yes, yes, yes… Brutus said it’s the kind you like. You better hurry and get over there before they sell out!
Caesar: OK. Brutus wouldn’t betray me.
“tsk, tsk,tsk they only had the extra-strength scratchy kind”