You know… you get up in the morning, shit, shower & shave expecting the Universe to be pretty much the way you left it when you went to sleep. Sound reasonable? I think so.
Wrong!
I went to bed one night and Pluto was a planet. I wake up the next day to find out that it’s not! For fity-six years I have been living with a lie! A group of Astronomers, nay important astronomers, meeting in Prague have now determined that Pluto, originally discovered in 1930, is not really a planet after all. Pluto’s status has been down graded to a dwarf planet.
How do you think dwarves of the world feel about this? Do they want their identity associated with “down grading”? I don’t think so.
And Mickey Mouse can’t be happy about this either!! What of his companion? Pluto is probably lifting-his-leg-on-the-wing-chair mad! And can you blame him?
Well maybe these know-it-all astronomers had too many Pilsner Urquells, or smoked too many of those funny cigarettes… I can see it now… “Pluto? Such a small freakin’ planet! That ain’t no Planet!!! Hah! Anton… another Pilsner and pass me the Jose Cuervo!”
Maybe if this where the changes ended I would feel less on edge. But no. There are more changes that will affect our daily lives. I have spent the weekend scouring the world (thank God Al Gore invented the internet highway) for other changes.
Here is a small sampling… you decide whether it’s good or bad.
Department of Weights, Measures & Timing, Washington, DC. No Monday morning blues! As of January 1, 2008 Mondays will be removed from our calendar. We will add six hours to Friday Night (party!), six hours to Saturday (yippee!) and twelve hours to Sunday!! Goodbye dreary Monday! We will have more time for our leisure pursuits. Just think… on Sundays we can put another football game in, play 18 holes and still have time for brunch with the family! And when we finally start our work week, we’re one day closer to the weekend! It’s about time that the Government did something for the simple citizen!
The USDA, Washington, DC. The eggplant is no longer a vegetable approved for human consumption. It can only be used to feed swine, prisoners on death row, or as bait for lobster (only if there is a shortage of rotting fish or old tires).
Department of Transportation, Bismarck, ND. North Dakota has experienced a twenty year decline in its population. In an effort to stem the tide of migration out of the state, and encourage migration into the State, it was announced that each citizen of driving age will be permitted three “optional” lights (red lights that can be ignored) per day. These optionals are not accumulative. The slogan that the Department has featured on prominent bill boards… Use them or lose them!
The Central Conference of Rabbis, Cincinnati, OH. The dreidl game has been abolished. The Rabbis felt that it gave a wrong message to the young and promoted gambling. There will be no more spinning of the dreidl on Channukah (the holiday that is impossible to spell correctly… but that is a matter for a different occasion). Concurrently it was announced that Fox Woods was opening “Dreidl Gaming Tables” in their Casino. Also announced, the Lubovitchers would be granted the concession for running Tour Buses from Brooklyn to the Casino. When questioned about this, a spokesman for their Rebbe said that it was perfectly appropriate since their Rebbe has identified the Mashantucket Pequots as the “Lost Tribe” of Israel.
New England Journal of Medicine. Bourbon taken in moderate amounts (something less than 750ml per day) is good for you. Taken with either a small addition of branch water & ice, or sipped straight it settles the nerves, promotes a friendly demeanor, the jokes are funnier, people are better looking (& smarter) and, in general, bourbon makes the world a better place.