Yes, yes… I know what you’re thinking! It’s about time! Jim deserved a promotion! Hard for me to maintain my humility. I had trained for it all summer… completed the course successfully, proved my mettle… Ash and John had to give me the boost.
I guess when I tainted Darien’s supply of mayonnaise this past August, it caught Ash’s eye. When Norwalk Hospital reported a flood of folks complaining of a foul smelling oily discharge and blurred vision, I sat in our “bullpen” with a knowing grin.
Oh, yeah. It felt good… it was not a matter if, but when I would be promoted to head Grapes’ Department of Dirty Tricks & Covert Ops. Whoo, whoo!
Last month I secured the customer list of Stew Leonard’s wine buyers… and for the past two weeks I have been calling their list at 5:15AM… “Sorry if I’ve gotten you up… but at Stew Leonard’s we believe in getting an early start to the day! This is Richie calling from Stew Leonard’s Wines to let you know that the wine you ordered isn’t in yet! What? You didn’t order wine? Oh… so sorry… my mistake… forgive the call. Oh… one more thing, you dick… Stew Jr. thinks you’re fat!” *click*
Last week I went to to Zachy’s in Scarsdale and waited ’til there were many patrons browsing thru the wine displays… I picked up a bottle and in a loud voice asked… “Hey! Do you know if this wine still has the additive that helps constipation?”
I hacked into the Wine Library’s website and changed all their prices.
During a midnight raid I put a sign outside of Bevmax… “Jews and other aliens not welcome here.”
And this is just the beginning. I may even join the Republican Party. I think I have finally found my true calling!
Jim Winston: Director of Dirty Tricks and Covert Ops… code name The Cheetah.