“What do you know about the Mayans?” The question was put to me by my colleague, Mikey Bordeaux… well, his real name is Mike Wofsey; but I have another friend of that name who lives on the other side of the Hudson, and it will potentially confuse matters in future tales to use Mr. Bordeaux’s given name.
Fridays are a slow day at Grapes… the “sell team” stands down for the day… and by Noon Ash and Andre have departed leaving just Mikey and me to guard the nest. And a question like “what do you know about the Mayans?” can appear innocent to an unsuspecting observer. But I know better. This question is classified as a “tip of the iceberg” type question.
“The Mayans? Well… let’s see… the word Mayan means from the other side of the Hudson… and for a long time it was believed that the Mayans were one of the lost Tribes of Israel. Then it was discovered that they were into human sacrifice… which was a definite no-no to the Hebrews. The Ancient Hebrews were into sacrificing lambs for the Veal Chop Festival… which was later renamed Passover because Cecil B. DeMille couldn’t make Charlton Heston do a sex scene with a sheep.”
“No, the Mayans. And the Mayan Calendar, dude.”
Uh, oh. He was not deterred by my first evasive maneuver.
Mikey continued, “The Calendar has been around forever and it has never been modified… not like our Julian Calendar that had to be changed by Pope Gregory to account for a fistful of lost days. The Ancient Mayan Calendar has been accurate to the day since day one! BUT… and here’s the best part… the Calendar ends on December 21, 2012!”
“That’s the best part?”
“Jimbo, don’t you know about the Prophecy?”
“The Prophecy? The Prophecy? You don’t know who you are dealing with! You are speaking to a descendant of the Kohanim, the Tribe of Priests that ruled the Temple. This was in the day before we invented the title “Rabbi”, which didn’t come into use ’til we were in Babylonian Exile… AND, then, when we weren’t looking, the Catholics ran in and stole the title Priest from us! In 1963 delegates from the Central Conference of Rabbis met with emissaries from the Holy See to propose a straight up swap of titles… we get back Priest and we give them Rabbi… Priests could now marry, Rabbis would have to remain celibate; but could eat pork fried rice… It would throw the anti-Semites of the world into chaos! The deal collapsed when the Vatican insisted that Sandy Koufax had to convert.” {I could see that my second evasion has also failed}… “Prophecy?”
“Dude, don’t you see it? The Mayan Calendar has been out there for 5000 years, and then stops! Stops! December 21, 2012! The Winter Solstice, dude! And this is the Winter Solstice to end all Winter Solstices! Literally, the end! A perfect alignment of planets… and the Mayans knew this from the get-go!!
“A perfect alignment?”
“Sure! Intense exertions on the Earth’s crust brought on by the unique planetary positions — in turn producing a shift in plate tectonics, which in turn will affect our orbit and atmosphere!”
“Uh, huh. This sounds like some bullshit Bush’s people cooked up to cover global warming.”
“No Jimbo… for real. Check out this website. There’s a countdown!! Look: 1994 days, 6 hours, 20 minutes and 12 seconds left!!”
“Well, Mikey… I guess that’s going to put to an end to recommending Chateau Latour for long term cellaring… and my next car might as well be a lease…”
“Dude, Google ’21, 12, 21.'”
“Mikey: you and I are going to have an understanding. I want to nip this in the bud. You and I are going to agree not to talk about this anymore. We are going to declare this topic exhausted. I don’t want you coming in here everyday announcing the Godamned countdown… or talking about five new websites, each one more extravagant than the next… or other such shit.”
Mikey seemed to take my ribbing in good stride… now I had another worry… perhaps I laid it on too thick… particularly the part about Sandy Koufax. Mikey might actually come to work on Monday with the latest countdown update!
“OK. Mikey… I am going to the bathroom now… and when I come out I expect that we will have put all this Mayan talk aside… and I am going stay in there ’til you tell me it’s safe to come out.”
Well… there you are… just another slow Friday in the bullpen of Grapes with Mr. Bordeaux and me.