And no, I’m not talking about football. It’s the time of the year when we wish, to those to whom it’s appropriate, a “Happy New Year.” I am referring to the Jewish New Year. Yes, yes… this is all confusing I know. I will try to sift thru the tangle for you…
The first problem… the world is tuned into the Gregorian Calendar, which is a solar based calendar. But the Hebrew Calendar is lunar based. It’s why Jewish Holidays (like Rosh Hashonah… the New Year) fall on different days relative to the Gregorian Calendar. Allow me a small digression… the traditional Chinese Calendar is also lunar. Is it a coincidence that one of the world’s smallest cultural populations has allied itself with the world’s largest cultural population? I think not. It also explains why Jews eat so much Chinese food. No mystery here… Lobster? Not Kosher! But Jews will sup on the popular Chinese dish “Dragon and Phoenix”, which is a combination of chicken and lobster for two reasons: 1. In China lobster is not called lobster, and 2. Phoenix is the Capital of Arizona.
So… let us proceed. We have the vague idea that the New Year is sometime between Labor Day and Halloween. This still doesn’t address the difference between January 1 and September Whatever for the beginning a new year. Two points here: First, the Hebrew Calendar is older. Second, the Sages anticipated that September is when football starts (sadly, the Sages did not anticipate the pickle it would put Sandy Koufax in).
Carrying on, there are actually two Holidays that are coupled together for the “New Year.” The first, Rosh Hashonah (the New Year) when we have a festive meal and worry about the other Holiday: Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur (also referred to as the Day of Atonement) is when we have to fast (which is almost as bad as telling someone that they can’t pee for 24 hours), and then we have to endure an agonizingly long Service where the central lesson is that Sandy Koufax didn’t pitch in the World Series on Yom Kippur (it’s a good thing you’re fasting, because the very thought of this is enough to make you throw up).
Together these two days are called the Days of Awe, or sometimes the Days of Guilt and Worry (and in this regard, there is little to separate them from the other 363 days of the year). Anytime leading up to the New Year, or in the period between the two Holidays, or even just after… it is permissible to wish someone a “Happy New Year.” After all… you never know when you’ll bump into folks.
This is also the time of the year to accuse people of being Jews. We all know what I’m talking about… folks who are trying to pass. “Happy New Year Mr. Winston… say, wasn’t your Grandfather’s name Weinstein?” It is also an opportunity to get rid of your enemies (this is referred to as the name libel). Walk into the New Haven Country Club, go up to the Club Champion and say in a loud voice, “Happy New Year Shlomo! Do you really think you’re fooling anyone with your made-up name?!” No more tee times for Mr. Hedgefund!
The key to the festive meal is that there should be ample quantity… because in 10 days we have to fast and the Holiday meal is a way to begin taking on precious reserves.
Typically chicken soup & gefilte fish start the meal (although, personally, I begin with a well made dry martini… but I think you knew that).
Let’s focus on this puzzling and vile sounding dish… gefilte fish.
Recipes for gefilte fish can vary… but the ones that I am most familiar with call for three fish: carp, white & pike. These fish are found in the waters of Eastern Europe (and just off shore from Miami Beach). And as bad as they may look whole, there is nothing in the world to prepare you for the way they look at the completion of the recipe.
Quite simply, gefilte fish is cooked fish “meatloaf” served cold. Think about a meatloaf that might use three different types of meat (beef, veal & pork) that get ground up and mixed with seasonings, shaped into a loaf, cooked and then served as “leftovers” cold from the fridge with some ketchup. Got it? Well… unappetizing as it sounds, gefilte fish is the three ingredient fish, chopped up, seasoned and formed into irregular lumps (not neat even shaped loafs), cooked, served cold from the fridge with horseradish. As to the appearance… not a rich deep and inviting brown of a meatloaf; but rather a unappealing greyish taupe.
Gefilte fish is a day long procedure to make… and it is served twice a year (if you’re lucky). On Rosh Hashonah it is served with challah and horseradish (a condiment that makes wasabi taste like pistachio pudding), and the tears that are produced from eating gefilte fish w/horseradish are said to remind us of the Dodger Pitching Rotation. On Passover it is served with matzo and horseradish, and the tears that are produced are said to remind us that the Dodgers left Brooklyn.
In my Senior Year at Union College I presented a paper in Erik Hansen’s Modern European History Seminar (for which I received an “A”) entitled Gefilte Fish and the Radical Left. In the paper I pointed out that Karl Marx, Leon Trotsky and Pierre Mendes-France all publicly rejected the Bar Mitzvah as a pagan ritual (privately they complained bitterly that their Torah portions were too long and they were worried about botching their Haftorah); but each conducted their political discussions over a glass of tea and a plate of gefilte fish. On one occasion Mendes-France, serving as Minister of Finance in the Government of Socialist Prime Minister Leon Blum, was heard commenting in Cabinet Meeting, “Excellent gefilte fish Leon… please pass the challah.”
So there you go… the Holiday repast: chicken soup, gefilte fish and the rest, as they say, is commentary.
“Happy New Year.”