Even I know that the old stories can become stale… Winnie the Pooh, Wind in the Willows, Ann of Green Gables… And if I know it, then certainly my kids did…
“Did I ever tell you about the time that your Grandfather busted up an international ring that had infiltrated the School Lunch Program? I know it sounds silly; but it’s true. The Politburo had targeted the lunch program as the most effective way of undermining the strength of this country… and they gathered a highly committed elite group of saboteurs who were trained in Barbados.”
“My Father said to my Mother, ‘Eve’… he called my Mother Eve, although her real name was Frankie. Eve was just a name that was used inside the house; but one time Uncle Paul called her ‘Big Frankie’ and he was sent to a room in the attic for a week and was only given warm ginger ale and macaroons to eat. I called my Mother ‘Mom” and I avoided punishment. Aunt Lynn only spoke French in the house, luckily for her Dad didn’t (although he was fluent in Tamal, Mandarin Chinese and English as spoken in London), so if she said ‘Grande Frankie’, he didn’t have a clue, so she didn’t have to go to the attic, although she still had to clean dog poop from the living room.
“So, Dad said, ‘Eve, we got to go to Barbados… pack the bags, don’t forget my distance slingshot, the reverse delta penalty stun gun, 2 or 3 claymore mines and extra boxer shorts..’
“Now most people thought that Dad was in the clothing business. Even I thought he was in the clothing business. But that was just his cover. He worked for a very small covert cell known as Group Shtup… they made the C.I.A. look like the Cub Scouts. Among other things, Group Shtup was credited for organizing the trade of Babe Ruth from the Red Sox to the Yankees… but that was before my Dad joined. Dad was recruited out of Elementary School. He studied weapon technology, farming and golf. He met my Mom at the Training Center. She was a youth helicopter pilot and also the lead soprano in the Shtup Glee Club. They fell in love and got married after they put down the plot to move the Dodgers out of Brooklyn. Later the Dodgers moved anyway, and Dad’s replacement lost his job and had to become a Toll Collector on the Triboro Bridge.
“I’m not making this up…
“OK, well it turns out that Dad’s Superior… ‘the Big X’ knew that Dad knew Barbados like the back of his hand. He and Mom would go there for vacations… Mom loved picking shells and Dad pursued his hobby of making rum, rum cake and rum hats… until he got caught by the authorities… but that’s a story for a different night.
“Dad understood how important this assignment was… he told the Big X that he wouldn’t make any rum hats, he was going with one purpose in mind… wiping out the dastardly plot to serve American School children unpopular and tasteless lunches.
“The Big X told him that the nerve center for this Organization was the dreaded Bagshot House. It is the place where they experimented on making horrible food and teaching algebra. If you are lucky you won’t have to take algebra and you can become a History Major like me.
“Are you following this?”
“Is that why Mom makes our lunches for school?”
“Absolutely… Group Shtup hasn’t given the ‘all clear’ yet… and Mom and I don’t want to take any chances. Maybe when you’re in College and your protective inhibitors are fully developed it will be alright… we’ll have to see.
“Did Nana and Poppy kill anyone?”
“They didn’t have to kill anyone… they were neutralized… and Dad neutralized a ton of people. He would give away oxford button-down shirts to the enemy. The shirts were mis-sized by an inch and a half at the collar… and guys would get funny marks on their necks, their eyes would bug out, they would get cluster headaches, sweat like pigs and they would get an intolerable ache in their private parts and have to walk hunched over. You can see a picture of a Village in the Urals, where the Soviets made bombs, with everyone walking hunched over! Dad got the Legion of the Brave with two stars for that!
“They’re having mini-pizzas for school lunch on Friday. Do you think that Group Shtup will give the ‘all clear’ by then?”
“Well… maybe. I am still on their mailing list, get their Monthly Newsletter and get invited to the Alumni Summer Picnic.”
“What’s an Alumni?”
“A retired agent… although I’m not an agent… just the son of one. They don’t let children and grandchildren join… but there is a good shot one of your kids could get recruited!”
“Cool! Dad? Could you check tomorrow’s mail and see if it’s OK to have pizza on Friday?”
“It’s a deal! Let’s get some sleep now… there’s busy day ahead, a terrific sandwich, a small bag of chips, carrot sticks, a clementine and a juice box! And we can finish this story tomorrow night.”