The First Fan’s Bracket

“Please hold my calls for an hour.  I have to get this done.”

Alright… look, Illinois is ranked 5th!  That’s not bad… I think I ranked 8th when I began my run for the Presidency. Let’s check who qualified from the Ivy League.  Cornell?  I didn’t know they had a basketball team… maybe their hockey team qualified.  Arizona is ranked 12th?  They suck this year. I think I am going to text message John McCain… “Big John: aren’t you sorry that you got stuck with Palin?  If you had taken Lieberman instead… and if you could have convinced him to get a decent haircut you might have taken me!” OK… let’s get serious…

Midwest.  Louisville.  What a joke.  I think they want Louisville to win… what an easy draw.  Wake Forest will give them trouble in the Sweet Sixteen.  They’ll still win, they’re riding the high of taking the Big East. Louisville is gliding to the Semis.

West.  UCONN is Ranked 1st.  Well… they’re 0 and 2 in the last two games that count. Whose their first round opponent?  University of Tennessee at Chattanooga?  Shit, I think that the UCONN Ladies could beat that team… hmmmm.  The Ladies could probably take half the teams in this field!  Never mind.  Joe Lieberman is such a doofus, what a sanctimonious blow hard!  And Dodd?

“Please take a memo… Tell Lieberman to get a haircut.  And tell Dodd to give up booze and Dunkin Donuts… oh, and send an intern out to pick me up an order of General Tso’s Chicken… what? Oh, brown rice, it’s healthier.  And have him pick up three packs of Marlboros… and don’t tell Michelle.”

UCONN… they have to be numb after losing that six overtime game to Syracuse.  Calhoun probably wished he had some of the girls on the bench.  Wouldn’t that have been a rip?  They still will make it the Elite Eight.  What else?  Marquette is going to give Missouri all it can handle… The Tigers will win; but take it on the chin against Memphis… and Memphis will knock off the Huskies in the next round.  OK, Memphis in the Semis.

This is going well. East.  Pitt is #1. The City of Steel!  Uh-oh.. Duke is in their draw.  Duke will have to get by Nova in the Sweet Sixteen.  Nova?

“Send over to Joe Lieberman’s Office a platter of bagels, Philly cream cheese, ‘Nova Lox and fresh tomatoes.  Enclose a note, ‘Thanks for the help on pushing through the stimulus package.'”

This is a tough one.  Duke? Pitt? Pitt? Duke?  Let me text message Michelle, “Hey!  Who do you like, Pitt or Duke?”  I bet she says Duke!  No, well I’ll be!  “Pitt, Pitt, Pitt!  And you better not be smoking!”  Give me a break!  I’m the President! “Thanks for the help… and no, I’m not smoking.”  OK, Pitt to the Semis.

“Can you send someone in here to clear all these ashtrays.  And tell the intern to make it four packs of Marlboros… and add an eggroll to my order.”

South.  Yes!  First let me put on my lucky North Carolina game shirt!  Go Tar Heels!  All the way baby!  Make it happen!  Gonzaga?  Gonzaga?  Please… a double digit win there.  And the lower half of the bracket… Oklahoma and Syracuse.  Oklahoma would give Carolina a tougher game… so I’m playing for Syracuse to upset Oklahoma… 8 overtimes!  Then ‘Cuse will have nothing left against the Tar Heels.  Yeah, baby!  We’re in the Semis!

Semis.  Sorry Michelle… Pitt is going down!  Down hard!  All Carolina!  On the other side… well who gives a rat’s ass about this.  OK, eeny meeny miney mo, who’s gonna lose to my bro’?  Shit… I hope no one heard that!

“*Ahem*  Did you hear anything out there?  What?  No, no… I’m fine, just fine.  I was just saying to myself, I would certainly enjoy a Marlboro now… but I promised Michelle that I was going to give up smoking.  Ha, ha!  Yes, I know… tomorrow!”

Well… that wraps things up.  North Carolina over Louisville

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