“The Emperor Penguin breeds in the coldest environment of any bird species; air temperatures may reach −40 °F, and wind speeds may reach 89 mph. Water temperature is a frigid 28.8 °F,which is much lower than the Emperor Penguin’s average body temperature of 102 °F.”
“The Emperor Penguin is perhaps best known for the sequence of journeys adults make each year in order to mate and to feed their offspring. The only penguin species that breeds during the Antarctic winter, it treks 31–75 miles over the ice to breeding colonies which may include thousands of individuals. The female lays a single egg, which is incubated by the male while the female returns to the sea to forage for a period of 64 days.”
MILTON: Hey! Where the hell do you think you’re going?
PAIGE: Me and the girls are going for a swim. Thought we’d check out the chinstraps on the South Sandwich Islands, then head over to Buenos Aires, get our nails done, do some shopping, hit a few clubs. Maybe a bite to eat…
MILTON: What clubs?
PAIGE: Milton… we’re just going out for some dinner. The “ocean club.” The Antarctic Ocean! I’ll bring you back a fish!
MILTON: Hey! What am I supposed to do with this fool egg?
PAIGE: I don’t know… read it a story. Tolstoy. You’ll be here for a while!
MILTON: Read it a story. That’s fucking great! It’s the Antarctic winter… you know. Like it’s pitch dark, you know! I can’t read in the dark! The pages of the book will crumble in this air temp! Shit! And just where am I supposed to keep this damned egg when you’re off on a hoot with your girl friends? Sex starved girl friends, I might add. That Sheila will do the “wild thing” with the first chinstrap penguin she finds!
PAIGE: You keep the egg… that’s our egg, Milton… on your feet and off the ice just like all the other guys in the colony do!
MILTON: Great, just great. Where did you put the L.L. Bean thermal socks that you gave me for my birthday… even though what I really wanted was an underwater I-Pod player. This is great… I have to keep this egg balanced on my feet, in the dark, in the freezing cold. What a life! We have to be the stupidest species on earth. Who came up with this idea anyway?
PAIGE: I don’t hear Bartlett complaining to Sheila.
MILTON: Bartlett? Don’t get me started about that dumb penguin. Always bragging about how warm his feathers are… how he is rated to −50 °F. Damn it, I’m cold already! How am I supposed to keep warm? Will you please tell me that!!
PAIGE: You form a huddle with all the other guys in the colony… you jam in together real close and tight, and then you take turns being on the inside of the huddle where it’s warmer. You’ll love it. It’s a form of bonding. You’ll get to know Bartlett better!
MILTON: Jammed in all together? Bonding? It sounds like a homo thing to me…
PAIGE: Nonsense!
MILTON: Hey! What happens when I get hungry? I think I am hungry already. I might not wait for you to come back from stuffing yourself! Yeah… I might scramble me an egg! Or maybe I’ll regurgitate some squid and make an omelet! A tasty squid omelet, some home fries and whole wheat toast with gooseberry preserves!
PAIGE: Don’t even think about it Milton! Look… I’ll be back in two months and I better find you and our egg!! Now let me hear your “call” so I’ll be able to find you in the colony when I return.
MILTON: Call? Yeah, I’ve been working on it…
Your red scarf matches your eyes
You close your cover before striking
Father had the ship-fitter blues
And loving you has made me bananas
PAIGE: That’s your call?
MILTON: There’s more…
You burned your finger that evening
While my back was turned
You asked the waiter for iodine
While I dined all alone!
PAIGE: See you in two months Milton