The Courtship of Reginald & Gwyneth

Posted on April 1, 2014 by Jim

R: Musca domestica… The adults are about 5-8 mm long. Their thorax is grey with four longitudinal dark lines on the back. The whole body is covered with hair-like projections. The females are slightly larger than the males, and have a much larger space between their compound eyes.

G:  Oooh Reggie, you know so much!

R:  Each female can lay approximately 500 eggs in several batches of about 75 to 150. The female is receptive for mating after 36 hours. The male mounts her from behind to inject sperm.

G:  Oooh, Reggie you’re going to make me blush!

R:  Normally, the female mates only once, storing the sperm to use it repeatedly for laying several sets of eggs. But we rarely partake of Musca domesticas, Gwyneth my pretty catesbeiana!.

G:  I should say!

R:  Now here’s a tasty treat for us… Culiesta longiarelata!    

G:  Oooh, Reggie!  You speak Latin so well!

R:  And can I interest you in a superb Puligny-Montrachet?  It’s a 1er Cru les Pucelles of decent vintage.  I love the hue, a scent of tropical fruit with a slight smoky tinge, breathtaking on palate and a glorious finish and the way it glides into the horizon and forecasts a star-kissed eve!

G:  Oooh, Reggie!

R:  And now a morsel of Rhithrogena germanica.  Prefect with the Puligny!  Gwyneth, my Green Beauty… are you pondering what I’m pondering?

G:  Oooh, Reggie!  If we hop over to the log flume, the whip and the Cyclone and ride them dozens times after all the Rhithrogenas and Puligny?  Won’t we throw up?

R:  Rrrrribbet!

Reginald & Gwyneth

Posted in Ministry of Humor | Leave a comment

Welcome Desdemona!

Posted on March 27, 2014 by Jim

You might think I’m crazy spending $22,000 on a truffle pig.  Crazy like fox!  Do you know how much truffles cost an ounce?  They are not called “black diamonds” for nothing!  Napoleon III had a 150 carat truffle mounted in platinum as a gift for the Empress Eugénie!  I read about this truffle pig farm located in Périgord in a back issue of The New Yorker… these pigs have the uncanny ability to shnuffle about in the under brush near oak and hazelnut trees, and dig up with their snout a treasure trove of these “turd” like objects. When a prize winning pig became available, I couldn’t resist! Visions of recipes made me drool!  Thoughts of re-sale value of truffles danced like sugar plums in my dreams!  Maybe I could even give up my day job?

Luckily for me Desdemona (although someone suggested the name “Pancetta”, I ruled it out because it lacked class) was trained not to eat truffles. She is content to eat pastries.  She can make a box of linzer tortes disappear before your eyes! She also adores raisin scones, cannolis, hamontashen (ironic, no?), baklava and stollen.  Her favorite is maple syrup glazed donuts stuffed with bacon (even more ironic!).   Desi is also known to knock off a steak and kidney pie and a large Pepe’s white clam pizza.

I discounted the idea of shlepping around the countryside looking for stands of oak and hazelnut trees.  I decided to go right to the source.  My contacts informed me that Stew Leonard Jr. just took delivery of mini-van filled with truffles for his extended family’s use.  No worries there… I’m taking Desi over to the Norwalk Stew Leonard’s on Saturday… I’m just a little worried about getting her past the baked goods department.  Once past, we’ll just blend in with the rest of the shoppers, and I’ll let Desi do her thing! 

Hah-hoo!  I figure once we clean out Stew’s we can head into the City and hit Dean & Deluca!  You bet!  By Sunday my investment will be covered, and I will begin to harvest dividends!

Still think I’m crazy?  And when Desi has outlived her usefulness? Well…do I need to draw you a map?

shmuel

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Note on the Fridge

Posted on March 15, 2014 by Jim

Calpurnia:

I’m off to Pompey’s Theatre and then to the Senate.  Much to do before I take the army to crush the Parthian Empire.  Meantime, before I leave I have to bring the Senators to heel.  And before I crack the whip, I need something festive to distract them.

I have sent invitations to Longinus, Brutus, Casca, Cimber and a few other Senators to a casual soirée at our place tonight.  Be a dear & organize the evening for me.

The menu –

For starters… ten dozen oysters, a wheel of Jarlsberg cheese, a couple boxes of saltines and maybe a hundred or so “pigs in the blanket.”

Then on to… three saddles of venison, twelve guinea fowl, twenty quail, a brace of pheasant (make that five braces of pheasant and a coach), enough partridge eggs to fill a bath, four wild boar, one tame boar (you don’t want to know), a crashing boor (that’s a joke), a dozen joints of mutton, three kid goats bathed in milk, the things that look like small lobsters – crayfish! We need two hundred.  Make that three hundred – Brutus loves crayfish!  Twenty oxtails for braising (Calpurnia, tell the butcher that I want the rest of the oxen cut up for our freezer into whole filets, medallions, bone-in rib eyes, shoulder roasts, briskets, flanks, top rounds, porterhouse, New York strip, London broil, skirt and ground top sirloin.  And save the belly skins – send the hides to my sandal maker.  I want ten pair above the calf, fifteen pair to the ankle, two pairs of flip-flops & a brief case.  If there is anything left make yourself some pocket books).  Oh – don’t forget the sauce for the crayfish – not too spicy! (it gives me gas)… Maybe some parker house rolls?  You decide.  And then two veggies and a starch.  If you can’t find a starch ground rhino horn will do.  Biscotti and espresso for dessert.

Seven cases of La Tâche Vintage 60 BCE… if you can’t find that, 58 BCE will do (but I won’t be happy).

For entertainment –

We will need twenty courtesans of the first rank (use the “Wink and I’m There” Agency), fifteen prostitutes from “Dockside Paradise and Bait House”, the Roman Legion 100 Lute Orchestra, that comic that we saw when we went to the mountains for our vacation (I forget his name) and the Punch and Judy Puppet Troop.

That should do it!

Oh – I almost forgot!  Take my Imperial toga to the cleaners and tell those idiots that they better get the wine and vomit stains out of it this time or they will be food for the lions!

Thanks!

xoxoxo Julius

p.s. And don’t forget! No calamari! Ever!! They give me a rash, and besides they look and taste like rubber bands!

Posted in Stories & Brief Tales | Leave a comment

Turks & Caicos Pork Chops w/Mango-Mint Salsa

Posted on March 9, 2014 by Jim

Maybe I’m just fed up with the winter.  Or maybe I’m thinking that a year ago I was walking my youngest daughter down the aisle in Turks & Caicos, enjoying the turquoise Caribbean Sea and the amazing fresh, spicy and citrus spiked cuisine.  The recipe included here is from Cooking Light.  The prep called for cooking the pork chops in a skillet, I decided to dig my Weber out of the snow and cook the chops on the grill… more in keeping with the great dishes served in Turks. My mint patch is under a thick blanket of snow, so I had to use the fresh spice display of Stop & Shop.

Rosé in the winter?  Well… yes! We have seen the popularity or Rosé during the warm weather months take-off; but truth be told the wine is enjoyed year ‘round.  Check out the famous ski resorts of Europe… the après-ski festivities by the log fire or in the hot tub, bottles of refreshing chilled Rosés flow like water!  And with the spicy pork chops on the menu tonight, Marley Rosé is the perfect call.

Marley Rose

Marley Rosé ’12 (Green Valley, CA)

This stunning Rosé is 100% Syrah from Solano County’s Green Valley. Its soft salmon color is inspired by the golden pale Rosés of France’s Provence region. Made in the classic saignée method to retain the freshness of flavor. This pleasingly dry wine exhibits lush flavors of orange peel, soft and supple on the palate and is best enjoyed chilled. From first sight to last sip this wine is a refreshing escape to Provence or Zermatt (or to the sunny Caribbean)!

T & C Pork Chops

Turks & Caicos Pork Chops w/Mango-Mint Salsa

Ingredients

6 ounces of Tanqueray Gin
½ ounce of Noilly Pratt Dry Vermouth
A goodly amount of ice
¾ teaspoon chili powder
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon ground allspice
4 boneless center-cut loin pork chops
1½ Cups finely chopped mango
2 tablespoons chopped fresh mint
½ teaspoon grated lemon zest
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
2 teaspoons sugar
¼ teaspoon crushed red pepper

Directions

  1. Put gin and vermouth into a glass pitcher, fill with ice, stir vigorously while incanting, “You who know all, thank you for providing us juniper and all the other obscure ingredients responsible for creating this sacred liquid!” Strain into a pre-frozen Martini glass of admirable size.  Skewer the olives on one of those tacky cocktail swords, place in glass. Immediately begin consuming. Now you can begin the food prep, and the cooking!
  2. Combine first 3 ingredients in a small bowl; sprinkle evenly over pork.
  3. Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Coat pan with cooking spray. Add pork; cook 4 minutes on each side or until done.
  4. Combine mango, mint, lemon rind, lemon juice, sugar, and red pepper in a medium bowl. Serve with pork.

n.b. I patted the pork chop dry, doubled the rub ingredients and put the chops in one of those freezer bags and shook the hell out of it ‘til the chops had a good coating. As noted in my intro, I put the chops on the grill. Sweet potatoes are the perfect side, a green veggie and you’re set to go!

Posted in Sandy's Table | Leave a comment