The Ash Creek Papers

Life was simple. There was Night. There was day. God saw that it was good, and in the morning there was the bagel. And God saw that this was good, and God created cream cheese for the bagel, sliced tomato and lox, and the Sunday New York Times. And finally, after being asleep on the job for 5737 years, God created NFL Today, and everything was good, the fields prospered, cows kept making cream cheese & the rivers runneth over with salmon.

But while God’s back was turned… McDonald’s, Dunkin Donuts and other unapproved establishments got their hands on the sacred recipe for the bagel and started tampering with its sanctity. The variations multiplied exponentially. No longer just the simple plain or onion, toasted or un-toasted. We have blueberry bagels, cranberry bagels, spinach bagels, sundried tomato bagels, low carb bagels & pesto bagels… the list goes on and on.

It doesn’t end there… now we have bagel sandwiches… tunafish, peanut butter and jelly, and then… then, then (oh, I can barely get the words out…), bacon, egg & cheese (get me a chair, I feel faint). Or… sausage, egg and cheese (please, can I have a sip of water?). Or, *ach* or… Ham, egg and cheese (I’ll be alright in a minute…please… call my son, he knows where I keep the will).

And how ’bout this… green bagels for St. Patrick’s Day and strings of bagelettes for Mardi Gras (well, at least the latter makes sense).

This is not what the Supreme had in mind.

Bagels trace their formal origin to the 17th Century in Poland where there were references to bakers making “bagels” for wedding celebrations, by first boiling the special dough and then baking them… their irregular shape gave them the appearance of a stirrup (beugal)… hence the name bagel (maybe this is why the Polish Cavalry never fared too well against German Panzers in 1939).

But recent archeological evidence places their origin to a much earlier period in history. In the Caves of Lascaux France, shards of sesame bagels along with other artifacts have been found near the famous cave frescoes. The paintings have been dated to being made somewhere between 13,000 BC and 25,000BC.

Some say that the evidence of bagel remains has been tainted by their proximity to a piece of a Sandy Koufax Rookie Card; but Nigel Smedgewick-Greene of the London Academy of Antiquities & Floral Arrangements has said that this is a mere coincidence. He also pointed to other evidence supporting the thesis that cave painters were also avid sportsmen & that their paintings were impressions of their games that involved depicting the hunt for game or women, or both, and bagels may have been used as bait.

But beyond the debate, this is very, very clear… the early cave man did not put guacamole, bean sprouts and pancetta on his bagel! Nor did they read Rod McKuen… but that’s a story for a different day.

It is true, folks have developed alternate uses for bagels besides the traditional eating of them. Here are but a few examples…

Bagel Checkers.  Marie Atoinette adored bagels! She had the Royal Bakers prepare them every Sunday. And then for special occasions and entertainments, oversized versions of bagels were made… some in pumpernickel, some in rye. Then she had 64 square matzohs painted in red and black and then laid out in a square in the Versailles Gardens creating a giant outdoor checkerboard. She and Louis XVI enjoyed many spirited games of checkers with their guests. When reminded of the plight of the Paris citizenry she quipped, “Qu’ils ils mangent de la bagel…”

Bagel Pest Control. Colour egg bagels in bright shades with lead paint and string them up in your fir trees. Replace them as necessary. By the third generation male squirrels will be sporting mohawks, speaking with a stutter and be incapable of reproducing. They will trouble your bird feeders no more.

Bagel Punch Garnish. Tired of that big block of ice watering down your Holiday Punch? Freeze a dozen raisin cinnamon bagels and then add them to your festive punch bowl. Watch the smiles as your company enjoy perfectly cold undiluted punch all evening.

The Bagelput. This became a sanctioned field event in the 1962 Macabee Games replacing the Shotput. There had been too many complaints from the athletes’ parents that the Shot was dangerous… you could put out an eye, break your neck or get a hernia. “Putting a Bagel” was deemed far safer for both men & women competitors, and for the men a shmear of Philly is added for weight.

Bagel Thanksgiving Centerpiece. Add a sensible representation of the season to the Thanksgiving Table. Replace those ugly gourds with their garish shapes, hideous colours and gross carbuncles with a harvest assortment of smooth and modestly textured bagels. You will no longer have to worry about little Stephanie observing at the dinner table, “Gee, the bumps on the gourds remind me of the wart on Aunt Sylvia’s cheek.”

Bagel Dreidel. Each side of a traditional dreidel has a Hebrew letter… Nun, Gimel, Hei and Shin. The letters are an acronym for Nes Gadol Haya Sham… “a great miracle happened there.” In the “gambling” dreidel game if the dreidel face lands Gimel facing up, it means that you win all. Here’s a fun alternative: take a plain bagel and paint 5 or 6 Gimels along the outer edge, then stick a #2 pencil into a snug fitting bagel “hole” and voila a smooth spinning dreidel and be assured of collecting your winnings every time! Just be aware that the Nevada Gaming Commission has not approved the Bagel Dreidel.

Bagel Trivet. In his book Home Entertaining, the great Chef Jacques Pepin noted that when ever he needs to bring hot casseroles to the dinner table, he creates a bagel trivit to protect the table from the hot dishes. “It is so easy, I place 3 or 4 bagels a few inches appart on the table and then put the casserole dish on the whimisical arrangement. At the same time, the heat from the dish will warm up the bagels to perfection. When the casserole dish is removed, the bagels are ready to be eaten! No more fussy dinner rolls.”

Bagel Boat. It took two years for the eccentric philanthropist billionaire Emmanuel Brownstein to build his “Bagel Boat”, the Exodus,too. It was an idea that was hatched while he was enjoying a game of Gin at the Explorer’s Club with Arch Knaidlach, the Club Secretary. Or maybe it was while they were drinking gin. Knaidlach believed that the Thor Heyerdal’s historic Kon Tiki was built in the wrong material… Hyerdal was trying to prove that ancient islanders could have made trans oceanic crossings with limited material and technology. Knaidlach believed that the ancient seafaring Pacific Islanders made their boats not out of reeds and trees; but out of bagels. On hearing this, Brownstein set out to prove that the early sea going tribes could have made their boats out of bagels. Using 2,342,244 bagels lashed together, Brownstein created a sea worthy vessel that had a shuffle board court, two card rooms and a beauty salon. The Exodus,too makes regular excursions between Key West and Cuba.

Well… look, you get the idea. All this bagel talk has me a bit hungry. I think I’ll run down to Starbucks and pick up an 8 grain bagel with walnut infused lite cream cheese… just foolin’