Near Midnight, 14 March 44 B.C.E.
CAESAR: ARRRRRAUGH!! AAAARRAAUGHHHH!! Brutus!! AAAAAAAACKKK!!
CALPURNIA: Julius! Julius… get up, get up! Wake up Julius! You’re having a dream!
CAESAR: Dream? No, a shit show nightmare!! I can’t believe it, I can’t believe it! Oh sweet Jupiter what terrifying visions plague my night.
CALPURNIA: Julius calm yourself… you’re in our bedroom. No harm will come to you…
CAESAR: Oh, Calpurnia only if you had been there. You have no idea the wretched sequence of events that gripped my mind and drove a dagger into my soul! At first there was nothing to suggest an unhappy interlude. It was a Tuesday afternoon when Brutus and I play chess. And Brutus opens with the Queen’s gambit.
I stare at him. I grit my teeth and spit out “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”He just smirks. Smirks for Apollo’s sake! “I told you never to use that opening with me!” I scream at him, “NEVER! Do you hear me? Never!!” In a rage I drop my wine goblet, knock over the board, the chess pieces scatter everywhere and I step in dog shit!
CALPURNIA: Don’t tell me you’re going ballistic over a silly board game! That’s the dagger to your soul?
CAESAR: First, it’s not silly board game! It’s chess for Minerva’s sake! And then it gets even worse! On Friday’s after an hour or two in the baths it was time for our regular bridge game with Longinus and Cimber.
Julius Caesar
♠ A9743
♥ K8763
♦ A6
♣ 7
Cassius Longinus Tillius Cimber
♠ Void ♠ Q82
♥ QJ952 ♥ QJ952
♦ 109 ♦ QJ85432
♣ KQ10982 ♣ J
Marcus Brutus
♠ KJ1065
♥ A
♦ K7
♣ A6543
Brutus opens the bidding with 1 spade. Longinus follows with 2 spades, showing that he has a void in spades. I bid 2 no-trump. Cimber passes. Brutus goes 3 clubs. Longinus passes. I follow with 4 clubs, which tells him I’m short in clubs. Cimber passes. Brutus then bids 4 no-trump, using the Blackwood Convention… he is asking if I have the missing Ace. Longinius passes. I respond 5 spades, indicating I do have the Ace. Cimber passes. And then… and then Brutus takes us to “slam” and bids 7 spades! 7 spades, yet! Longinus leads with the King of Clubs. Brutus was going to have to run a first round finesse, and he aint’ that smart or lucky! I was furious! I get up from the table to go over and choke him, but trip when I step on the hem of my toga and fall into the table with the oil lamp and two trays of pastries. The lamp sets the linen tablecloth ablaze and burns the baklava to a crisp. And it wasn’t long before the entire west wing of the gymnasium was consumed in flames! And I’m thinking “holy mother of pearl! I’m going to have to pay for this!”
CALPURNIA: Was that the dagger to the soul part?
CAESAR: Not funny Calpurnia! There’s more! We were all younger then. This was before I went to subdue Gaul. And there was this gala reception at the Coliseum. All of Rome was there. Senators, hundreds of courtesans, important citizens, unimportant citizens, charioteers, more courtesans… even slaves. Everyone was there! And mid-way thru it was time for the “girls ask dance.” It was going to be a Lindy or Charleston and you came over to me all excited and said, “I believe this is our dance!” And Brutus catches sight of this, and obviously crushed by your choice, his face turns beet red. It looks like he is going to have a stroke!! He tears across the dance floor waving a good sized cutlass and screams, “I’m going to kill you”!! Brutus, No! ARRRRRAUGH!! AAAARRAAUGHHHH!!
CALPURNIA: No dagger?
CAESAR: That’s just great. My best friend is going to kill me and you’re making jokes!
CALPURNIA: Calm down Julius, it was just a dream. Look, your nightshirt is all wet from sweating. Go put on a fresh shirt and you will feel better. I’ll make you some warm milk to help you get back to sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning and you can go over to the Forum, grab a cup of coffee and a prune Danish with Brutus and have a few laughs about your dream.