The Eve of the Ides of March… Activities to do…
1.Go to the beach deploy the concertina wire and the claymore mines (both can be gotten at Costco… Aisle #3). This is in case a seaborne assualt is planned; but if nothing else, it will keep the Canadian Geese from crapping on the beach.
2. Dig a 12’X20′ pit to a depth of 15′ in your front lawn… place 8′ bamboo punji stakes 2′ apart in the base. Works well for pesky Seventh Day Adventists and also suitable for “Devil’s Night” before Halloween.
3. Go to your local market and buy every roll of toilet paper available. My mother did this 30 years ago… and I’m finally down to my last roll.
4. Cross dress. Yes, yes… some may frown; but this is always good for putting them off balance. Just be careful about mixing patterns.
5. Slaughter a sheep and shmear the blood over your door jamb. If you can’t find a sheep any ol’ Republican will do.
6. Read the complete works of Shakespeare… only the even numbered scenes & leave out the sonnets.
7. Lay in a supply of corned beef, cabbage and potatoes, Guiness & John Jameson’s… well… St. Patrick’s Day is on Thursday… this stuff always comes in handy, particularly the Jameson’s & if nothing else it’s good bait to put in the punji pit.
8. Hop in the sack with someone you love. This is a pretty good thing to do on any day of the year… except Yom Kippur unless you have observed the fast... Gentiles in the audience don’t have to attend services; but they have to observe the fast.
9. Watch The Lion King. Or Beauty and the Beast. And if you don’t know why this is important, then I feel sorry for you.
10. Play nicely with your friends, look both ways when crossing the street, say please and thankyou & remember to put down the toilet seat.
I wish everyone a Great Ides of March Day!