Zack and I had a chat around the water cooler the other day and he mentioned that the Winter Olympics were completely uninteresting save for hockey, speed skating and bobsled. I agreed in general with his assessment… except I enjoy women’s figure skating and I don’t care much for bobsled.
By the by, I hate men’s figure skating… or any sport, for that matter, where a man wears more face make-up than Hermann Goering.
Our conversation turned to what could be done to improve the Winter Olympics. Zack thought that Kodiak Bear Sledding would be a good event. Good idea. I countered that Bull Moose Riding would be fun to watch… particularly if the riders were shmeared with the scent of a female moose in estrus. Or maybe traditional field events could be adapted… like the Shot Put… only on skates.
Both of us felt that aside from hockey, true team sports were also lacking. Zack went to the chalk board and using a skating rink as a model sketched out the following event. Two competing teams (specific number of participants yet to be determined), each team member is given a shield and a fishing net… teams line up on opposite sides of the rink… then the entire ice surface is raised on hydraulic lifts, and then spun around to 25Gs, after five minutes the rink is lowered and 100 penguins of various sizes (and including Pro Bowl Linemen dressed in penguin costumes) are placed at center ice and the teams then compete to capture as many penguins as possible.
Zack pointed out that the players would have to show tremendous athletic skill to fight thru the dizziness, the disorientation and vomiting, to bag their quarry.
Uh, huh… I would watch that. Particularly if the players had to wear sandals and suits of chain mail.
I am also thinking that perhaps we can “tweak” existing events and really upgrade the quality of the Olympics. Take the Biathlon, for example. This is an event that combines two very distinct skills: cross country skiing and shooting a rifle.
Competitors have to traverse a trail on skis with a rifle slung over their shoulder… and periodically they draw to a stop, unsling their rifles and attempt to hit targets down range. In my opinion… this event almost makes it.
But why not replace dumb targets with live game. Maybe bull moose… or better yet, the competitors first would have to be shmeared with the scent of female moose in estrus. Now wouldn’t that be exciting?
Even better… turn this into a true team event… and let the competitors hunt each other. Just think of some of the natural rivalries! Just like the Yankees against the Red Sox! But it would be the Koreans against the Japanese, or the Finns against the Russians! Or even better, this is perfect: the Russians against the Germans! They hate each other! Oh, this is even better! The Germans against the French! Or wait, we could take on the French, those pompous ingrates! No! No! We’ll take on the Cubans! How great is this? They might not have a cross country ski team… who cares? We can put them out there with snow shoes and cigars! And when we beat the shit out of them we can keep the cigars and then hold their National Baseball Team hostage!
Or there can be advanced competition… like the “Super ‘G'”… not only country against country; but also against Bull Moose!
Now this is what the Olympics are all about! And no saccharine TV coverage from NBC! The event will be covered live by CNN (even if it’s 3:00AM!).
You know what? The Winter Olympics are looking better and better! Let the Games begin!
Topic for discussion at your water cooler: what presents more danger… a Russian with a scoped Kalashnikov assault rifle, or a horny bull moose?
You’re almost right–the entire Olympics suck. Figure skating is rigged, the hockey is inferior to the NFL, and sledding doesn’t translate well on TV or when the partcipants are older than eight.
You’re too late with concept of Penguins on Ice! Alex and Adam played it at Camp Alton many years ago. It was called “Dizzy Izzy”!!