So the great Galileo Galilei discovers 4 moons around Jupiter… and names them Io, Europa, Callisto & Ganymeade… they were named after his cats. I don’t like cats, but that’s not my gripe here.
I want to know why Jupiter got so many moons and we only got one! I mean it’s not like there are people living on Jupiter who could appreciate this heavenly largesse!
And not only do they have so many moons; but Galileo took the time to name them! Did he take the trouble to name our moon? No! Maybe he ran out of cats?
But the fact remains, Jupiter’s got a helluva lot more moons than we do! And they got fancy names, too! It just doesn’t seem right. Look, Jupiter has nothing right? Not even a place as good as South Beach… or a South Beach Diet. Have you ever heard of the Jupiter Diet. I don’t think so! But they have all these moons – with neat sounding names!
And when they finally get around to naming stuff on our moon we get a bunch of second hand garbage like the Sea of Copernicus. What kind of name is that? I’ll tell you what… it’s a dumb name! Why can’t we have cool names like Lower East Side Sea or New Lake Michigan? Good names!
But nobody cares! And do you know why? Because we only have one moon… who cares about one moon? No one! But if we had a bunch of moons like Jupiter, then folks would notice! You better believe they would take notice! Then Christopher Cross would have to change the lyrics in “Arthur’s Theme” to if you get caught between the moons and New York City. You see! Even the song is better already!
And now you know why I’m so angry! We only got one stinkin’ moon. And I’m tired of it!
And I’m going to do something about it! I am going to start by changing the name of the Sea of Copernicus… from now on when you cast your eyes to our Moon, take pride in looking at the Sea of Johnny Unitas… and there will be other changes, too… the Valley of Wilt Chamberlain & Wild Turkey Mountain.
There… I think that’s a reasonable start…