The border between the United States and Canada is commonly referred to as the world’s longest undefended border. The border between the United states and Mexico is a third as long and is not only regularly patrolled; but there are plans afoot to build a fence to eliminate (maybe reduce is a better word) illegal immigration.
Some would consider the flood of illegal immigrants as a menace to our country… and a drain on our resources. On this I would agree. But rather than look south, I think we should turn 180 degrees and direct our attention to the north… to Canada.
Our concern should not be Mexican farmers who can add to the work force and contribute to our society, rather it should be to the most hideous of creatures: the Canada Goose.
You leave the border undefended and look what happens. You get invaded by… well, by… things that treat every piece of land as their toilet.
There are those that think that Canada Geese are charming. They look beautiful and stately. They’re cooperative… look at whole bunch of them as they are working their way thru the lawn… eating to their heart’s content; but one goose remains on guard, head errect, surveying the scene… looking this way and that while his buddies dine… then after a brief time on “duty”, the sentinel dips his/her head to grab a meal and another raises its head to assume guard duty responsibility. See what I mean? Co-operation.
Terrific. Pretty birds. But they crap everywhere. Not just on our windshields like other birds. No. But where we walk. On our beaches, on our golf courses… on our property! And to make matters worse, their nicely formed turds are a shade of green that blend them to the shade of your grass… so that you may not realize on a beautiful summer’s day that you have just walked into the “outhouse” ‘til you feel the turd squishing up between your toes!
Or, you take a gander at your ball placement… a mere 20 feet from the pin on the 2nd green; but nestled next to a nefarious deep olive green turd left by some Canada Goose who thought that the sand trap was its litter box.
Menace! That’s what they are. Subverting our way of life.
What to do? Well, I think a good place to start is to follow the lead of the Greenwich Town Committee on Health, Beauty & the Environment. They have generated a series of creative responses to the Canadian Geese Menace.
The Hot Foot Geese thrive in cool, damp environments. Using an underground wire grid installed by the “Geese Be-Gone Co.” that converts your lawn into a “hot plate” when a surge of heat is transmitted with a flick of a switch raising the ground tempeture to an uncomfortable 185 degrees within 45 seconds… Also good for keeping pesky teenagers off your land.
Shame, Shame, Shame From the Disney Technologies a lifesized animotronic of a grandmother, hair pulled back into a tight bun, in a rocking chair with a Sharps Buffalo rifle across her lap and repeats in a craggy voice, “You should be ashamed of yourself!!” “Now gawan git!” “I ain’t kidding! Take that bathroom behavior elsewhere before I put a bullet up your fanny!” There is also a grandfather version, unshaven with a jug of moonshine on his lap and a Portuguese Water Spaniel wagging its tail at his feet, “By God if you take a shit within hunnert yard of me I’ll chase you down and crush your head with this here jug!” During winter months you can bring grandfather or grandmother in the home, add them to your dinning room. Great for keeping order during dinner.
Take a Hint From Martha Stewart Enterprises a five eighths scale of a Christmas Celebration table. Includes a table for twelve, twelve chairs, complete setting for table service and matching stemware impecably set on fine Irish linen. Platters of side dishes, vegetables, potatoes, Parker House rolls, condiments and an larger empty platter at the head of the table with a card in plain sight: “This could be for you!” Place this highly detailed mock up on your lawn with the accompanying decorated Christmas Tree, and no goose would dare set foot on your lawn!
Concern for God’s Creatures A program for diapering geese has been used for years in Carmel, CA. Mothers of the Earth has developed a lightweight absorbant diaper that fits comfortably on most geese. Sturdy, yet light enough so that wearing the diaper will not hinder flight (unless the bird is suffering from diarhea), Meg Tobachnik has been using them for near a decade. She reports, “they train quite well. In the morning after their swim in the pond they walk up to my porch… I slip them on, and they are off an scampering about in no time. When they’re done eating I wait for an hour, and they go an change them. And then I change them again just before the sun goes down.”
Bonjour! The Beaupre Language Institute specializes in French and near-French… “good enough to fool your friends and neighbors.” The idea is to speak enough French to trick the Canadian Geese into thinking that they are still in Canada and have to travel further to the South.
Yes! I think we are equipped to handle the menace!