Several years ago Doc Reid, a Grapes colleague at the time, and I would share our thoughts on life… a collection of things that would make us laugh & smile, make us wince… or could make us cry.
Perhaps it was while sharing a martini or two… his vodka, mine correctly made with gin, that we hatched an idea. We would leave our headaches and worries behind, shed all worldly possessions that could not be put into two grips, and take ourselves down to Key West. There, we would open a small saloon planted on the sand & spitting distance from the surf.
I would work the night shifts so that I could enjoy the sun by day… he would take the day shifts so he could carouse the night.
Today our paths have separated and Key West is a dream that has receded in my thinking. The way I look at it… Key West is passe… a place filled with Ernest Hemingway wannabees. PAH I say!
That dream has been replaced by another.
My thinking… it’s plantains! Specifically, I have my eyes set on a desirable tract of land suitable for growing this incredible… this incredible… whatever-it-is. Well, the way I figure it, whatever-it-is, is better than tofu… it has countless more uses, and the world demand for products made with this whatever-it-is, is about to explode!
Yes, yes… it looks like a banana. But only close minded “Yankee Anglo’s” will see them that way. Lesson #1, it’s not a fruit. Lesson #2, it’s not a vegetable. Lesson #3, I don’t know what it is… it may in fact be a vegetable or a fruit… maybe even both, that is, unless it is a “tuber” (whatever the hell that is).
Of these technicalities, I have no concern! Where is your creativity, where is your vision forGodsakes? Lookit this impressive product list presently in play or in development.
Plantain Jelly
Plantain Marmalade… identical to the above; but it just costs more… positive marketing potential for the upscale “plenty of money no brains” market.
Plantain Butter… costs more than peanut butter or margarine; but is better for you… don’t ask me why.
Plantain Tea… doesn’t taste good; but goes well with spicy Asian cuisine.
Plantain Pickles… Bigger is better!! “Is that a plantain in your pocket, or are ya glad to see me?”
Plantain Mustard… great on dogs.
Plantain Ketchup… same as mustard (different label); but better for burgers.
Plantain Mayonnaise… same as condiments noted above, waiting for labels to be printed. Trader Joes in Darien has a standing order for 1000 cases.
Plantain Poultice… proven effective as a non-invasive treatment for a myocardial infarction… simply apply some to your chest in the heart area. Good-bye heart attack! It’s also good for cleaning white walls on tires & removing rust from lawn furniture.
Plantain Accessories… presently available: lovely belts, wallets, vests & very expensive loafers (both in men’s and women’s… women’s are more expensive… duh!)
Plantain Shingles… they don’t work better… they just look better!
Plantain Papyrus…chop down trees for paper no more! Although slightly stiffer than traditional paper, plantain papyrus doesn’t burn as easily.
Plantain Glue… This is referred to as the “crazy glue of the Yucatan“. Very effective, don’t let it touch your skin or clothing, although small amounts can be added to New England clam chowder (miles better than traditional flour for thickening).
Plantain Condoms… I don’t think I have to elaborate. Adios Trojans!
Plantain Cod Piece… sorry, I just had to put “cod piece” somewhere in my writing… this has been a three year dream finally fulfilled.
Well there you are… opportunities await… as does the attractive parcel of land I have selected in the hills of Litchfield, Connecticut.
“Everything Plantain”… it has a ring. So friends, farewell “Slaving Wine Man”, hello “Aristocratic Plantation Plantain Planter” (or maybe just Plantation Man will do).
Oh my, Life is good!