“Be good. I’ll be right back.”
That was Marge. I wish I had a rawhide chew for every time she told us to be good... and a bowl of chicken liver for every time she told us that she would be right back. Yeah, right! Me and Minnie would be two happy canines! OK, so you didn’t know that we were dogs? NBD! Introductions are in order. I am Maximum… Marge and her obnoxious kids call me Maxie. I am a pure bred Cairn Terrier. My Sister went Best of Breed at Westminster. Yeah, and the year before that, my Father went Best of Group!
Minnie? Minimum really. She’s a three year old Yellow Labrador of obscure parentage. Marge picked her up in a breed based rescue. But don’t tell that to Minnie!
It’s me and Minnie, Minnie and me… But let’s get something clear: I’m the boss. My “little sister” looks up to me. And, this is important, I have a big job. Not only do I watch after Minnie; but, and I have to be brutally frank, Marge is a dits, and Howard, her husband, is a LOSER! Then there are the kids: Tiffany, the Queen of Complain, and Martin, the Little Prince who can do no wrong! Just a second…
“Bark, bark, bark, bark… BARK, BARK, BARK. Grwwff… GRRrrrr… ROWF, rowf… bark, bark, bark… Grrrggg, rowf… BARK!”
Dumb fuckers… STEP AWAY FROM THE CAR! This is a Porsche Cayenne… don’t even look this way!
Now, where was I? Yeah, I’m responsible for the entire family. Yeah… you think it’s a picnic being the boss? Hold on… Minnie stop your panting… you’re fogging up the windows and this car is beginning to smell like dog breath… and you-know-who will complain!
Hey! What’s going on here?
“ROWF, ROWF, ROWF… GRRRrr. Bark, bark. BBBbbaaaak, BARK, BARK, BARK… Grwwuff, grwuff, grwuff… grrrrrr, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK… ahwoooooo, BARK, BARK… wuh, wuh, wuh… GRWWUFF…. wuh, wuh, wuh!”
Stupid shits… think you know so much? This ain’t no hybrid! This is a pure bred “S” Class: 8 cylinders, 4.8 liter displacement with 400 HP, torque 369 lbs and with a compression ratio of 12.5:1! Go back to your Honda Accord, fuck face… and take your numb nuts buddy with you!
Oh geeze, Minnie… enough with the panting, and now you’re rolling your eyes! Hey, not for nothin’, can’t you help a dude out and throw an occasional bark or snarl?
Oh, just look at this!
“Wuh, wuh, wuh… BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK!”
*whew* I need to lift my leg! A good bark always does that to me! Where the fuck is Marge? Oh, now what! Minnie! Is that a drool on the tan leather seats? Don’t tuppy your feet, I’m talking to you! And stop that panting! *uch* I still have to take a wicked piss and mark some territiory! Where the hell is Marge! Now I’m tuppying my feet *uch*
I know it’s Martin! It has to be that spoiled rotten kid! How long can it take to pick out a pair of sneakers? Geeze louise… sneakers! OK! When we get home, and the Little Prince is sleeping… Minnie, I want you to go into his room and rip his new sneakers to shreds! To SHREDS! And I know that you can do it! Then I’ll lift a leg on his bed spread and take a dump in his L.L. Bean slippers!
That’s Plan “A”. Plan “B”… oh, no!
“BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK… AHWOOOooooooo! BARK, BARK, BARK!”
Adios! Yeah, that’s you Mario Andretti! See you in Indianapolis… you LOSER! Minnie! Minnie, Minnie, Minnie… enough with the rolling of the eyes, and please, PLEASE stop that panting… we’re not in Houston, and you haven’t run a marathon! What am I going to do with you? Look… if you promise to tear the crap out of Martin’s new sneakers, I’ll give you my afternoon biscuit! Yeah, we’ll be even. I love ya kid.