The Ten Commandments, The Outtakes

The film The Ten Commandments debuted in 1956. Three hours and forty minutes long… the script contained 308 pages with 70 speaking parts. 14,000 extras and 15,000 animals (four legged extras) were used in the production.

Once movies started to make a regular appearance on network television, The Ten Commandments was shown on Easter Sunday (or recently, the Saturday night before Easter Sunday).  Curious.  A film depicting the historical Hebrew Exodus from Egypt, a story and event that is commemorated yearly during Passover, and yet the film is shown on Easter.  Go figure.

Many of the scenes and script had to be modified once filming began.  And as you can imagine, many of the scenes ending up on the cutting room floor.  Some of the cut scenes have now made their appeance in “Special 54th Anniversary Edition” DVDs.  I include a few that I found of interest.

CAST

Charlton Heston: Moses
Yul Brenner: Rameses
Ann Baxter: Nefretiri
Cedric Hardwicke: Sethi
Nina Foch: Bithiah
Martha Scott: Yochabel

Nefretiri: Take care, old frog, you croak too much against Moses. One more rrribbet and I will chuck you back in the pond!
Moses: What has this cloth to do with me? Tell me.
Nefretiri: It was a child’s homespun diaper.  That’s why it smells funny.
Moses: What child?
Nefretiri: Bithiah drew him from the river. Memnet was with her.
Moses: Who was this child?
Nefretiri: Memnet is dead! No one need know who you are! I won’t tell anyone that you messed your diaper! I love you. I killed for you. I’ll kill anyone who comes between us.
Moses: Why did you kill for me, Nefretiri? If you love me, do not lie. Did I really mess in this diaper?
Nefretiri: Hold me in your arms. Hold me close. You were not born prince of Egypt, Moses. You are the son of Hebrews. Your father was in the rag trade.

Moses: Love cannot drown truth, Nefretiri. You do believe it, or you would not have killed Memnet.
Nefretiri: I love you. That’s the only truth I know. Well… not really.  I know a few other things; but why ruin the moment?
Moses: Did this child of the Nile have a mother?
Nefretiri: Of course. Immaculate Conception comes later.
Moses: I will ask Bithiah.

Moses: Memnet spoke of a Hebrew woman named Yochabel. Did you ever know her?
Bithiah: No.
Moses: Liar, liar.  Pants on fire!
Bithiah:  Oh, Moses, Moses!
Moses: Yours was the face I saw above my cradle. The only mother I’ve ever known. You changed my diapers and made me eat my vegetables.  Wherever I am led and whatever I must do, I will always love you… even when I schtup Nefretiri.

Yochabel: Why have you come here?
Bithiah: Because Moses will come here.
Yochabel: My son? He hasn’t called, he hasn’t written!
Bithiah: No, my son! That’s all he must know. You weren’t there to change his diapers!
Yochabel: My lips might deny him, Great One, but my eyes never could. I’m going to make him a sandwich.
Bithiah: You will leave Goshen, you and your family, tonight. You can go to Miami or Scarsdale.
Yochabel: We are Levites, appointed shepherds of Israel. We cannot leave our people. Besides, I just put a load in the washer.
Bithiah: Would you take from Moses all that I have given him? Would you undo all that I have done for him? I have put the throne of Egypt within his reach! What can you give him in return?
Yochabel: A good sandwich!
Bithiah: You’ll give him heartburn and suffocating guilt!

Bithiah: They’re going away, Moses, and the secret’s going with them. No one need ever know the shame I brought upon you.
Moses: Shame? What change is there in me? Egyptian or Hebrew, I am still Moses. These are the same hands, the same arms, the same face that was mine a moment ago.  Where did you put my sandwich?
Yochabel: A moment ago you were her son, the strength of Egypt. Now you are my son, and you will have to study to be a doctor. You find no shame in this?
Moses: If there is no shame in me, how can I feel shame for the woman who bore me, or the race that bred me? That was a pretty good sandwich.

Yochabel: [Yochabel’s last line] God of our fathers, who has appointed an end to the bondage of Israel, blessed am I among all mothers in the land, for my eyes have beheld Thy deliverer.  Such naches. You don’t need to turn on a light… I’ll sit in the dark.  Oy.

Sethi: Let the name of Moses be stricken from every book and tablet, stricken from all pylons and obelisks, stricken from every monument of Egypt. Take away his keys to the royal toilet! Throw out his expensive Italian bench-made sandals! Add extra starch to his briefs! Discontinue his membership to Plato’s Retreat! Let the name of Moses be unheard and unspoken, erased from the memory of men for all time.
Rameses: So it is written!  So let it be done! The great Sethi is a mensch.

Posted in Ministry of Humor | Leave a comment

Caesar Takes A Chance

[The Ides of March. The Roman Forum, 44 B.C.]

CAESAR:  Good morning boys! What a day for the game… I can’t wait to get started!  I’ll be the Dreadnaught!

CASCA: OK.  I’ll be the Howitzer.

LONGINUS:  Oh well… I guess it’s the Top Hat for me.  Again.

CIMBER: The Scotty.

RUGA:  Hey!  Wait a second!  Why does Julius get the Dreadnaught?  Every time!  Every Goddamn time… ya know, like ‘what the fuck’?

NASO:  Yeah Julie… like, ‘what the fuck’?  Maybe one of us would like to get the Dreadnaught for a change!

CAESAR:  Hah!  Who are you?  Mere Senators?  Me?  I’m Caesar!  You’re awfully quiet Brutus.  Are you joining these upstarts?  These unfeeling rebels?  Surely you would like the Dreadnaught?

BRUTUS:  Me?  No, no.  Oh geeze, no!  The Dreadnaught for you great Caesar… besides, I get seasick!  Ha, ha, ha. I’ll take the Old Shoe.

RUGA:  {soto voce to Naso} Did you hear that?  Brutus… what a kiss ass! ‘The Dreadnaught for you great Caesar!’  And I’ll scrub your back and fetch your laundry! 

CAESAR: The old shoe fits you well, loyal Brutus! Alright… and I’ll be the banker this time!

CASCA:  This time?

LONGINUS: You’re always the banker!

NASO:  Yeah Julie… like, ‘what the fuck?’

CIMBER:  Might I remind the great Caesar of the last time that he was the banker there was a serious shortfall in the treasury?  Funds appropriated to host orgies on Free Parking!

CAESAR:  Funny… very funny Cimber.  I like it!  We all love orgies, right?  OK, next time you can be the Howitzer!  Alright.  Enough, I’ll roll first…

RUGA:  Whoa!  Hold the phone!  What about we all roll?  High roll goes first!

CAESAR:  Nah, that doesn’t work for me.  Double threes!  Toot, toot, toot, here comes the Dreadnaught, one, two, three, four, five, six.  Judea!  I’ll buy it, it’s one of my favorite properties!  Five sestertius… such a deal!  I roll again.  Three!  Hah-hoo, Aquitania!  I’ll buy it!  Six sestertius!  I love the light blue properties!

BRUTUS:  They match your eyes great Caesar.

RUGA: {soto voce} I think I’m going to puke.

CAESAR:  Fortune smiles on me!  All I need is Britannia and I’ll have a monopoly in light blue and I will be able to begin building brothels and bath houses!  Your turn Casca.

CASCA:  Five.  The Appian Way!  I’ll buy it!

CAESAR:  Fork over ten sestertius… here’s the deed.  Your turn Longinus.

LONGINUS:  Four… Income Tax!  Shit! 

CAESAR:  I’ll take 15%!

LONGINUS:  The rules say 10%!

CAESAR:  I’m making it 15%.  Legionnaires to be paid, roads mended and orgies to organize…  Quit your gripping and hand over 15%.  What fun, I love being the banker! Brutus, you’re up.

BRUTUS:  Eight.  Britannia.

CAESAR:  I’ll buy it from you Brutus!  Here’s five sestertius!

RUGA:  Don’t do it Brutus!

CAESAR:  Here, six sestertius!  More than it’s worth!

RUGA:  More than it’s worth?  You’ll have a fucking monopoly!  Don’t do it Brutus!

CAESAR:  OK, ten sestertius!  And I’ll give you a free pass to a brothel on Britannia!

BRUTUS:  Oh… alright.

RUGA:  “Oh, alright?”  What kind of shit is that?  Ya know… like, why even bother playing the game?  Caesar’s going to lie, cheat, steal, cajole and bully his way thru this.  And you know it!  Why don’t we just turn over all the properties to him now and be done with it!

CAESAR:  Quit your belly-aching Ruga.  Here.  I’ll give you a free pass to brothel, too!  In fact, all of you!  One free pass each!  Oh, it’s good to be Caesar!

BRUTUS:  I think that is more than generous great Caesar!

CIMBER:  Er… *cough, cough* uh, you’ll have to excuse me… I have to use the “gents.”

LONGINUS:  I gotta take a leak, too.

CASCA:  Me too, must be that third cup of java… I’ll be back in a sec.

CAESAR:  Et tu, Brute?

BRUTUS:  Me?  Oh, well… uh, I have to run an put some change in the parking meter.  Can you break a five sestertius note?

CAESAR:  Sure.

NASO:  *Ahem* Well… um.  I have to call my mother-in-law… she’s baby sitting the kids! Er, yeah… the kids.  Oh, and also… I have a case of rampaging diarrhea… and, and, and a splinter in my foot! Yeah, a splinter in my foot and I’ve lost my mittens… yeah, that’s the ticket.

RUGA:  You’ve what?  Lost your mittens and you have a splinter?  Worry not Caesar, I’ll help him!

CAESAR:  Don’t be long “ladies”.  I feel lucky today!  I can’t wait to put up some brothels in Judea!  The Jews love brothels!

[Five minutes later. The Bath House on Bagel St.]

RUGA:  Oh, this is just great… mother-in-law, diarrhea, splinter… and you’ve lost your mittens!  Where did you come up with such nonsense Naso?  Why didn’t you say “I have a carbuncle on my left eyeball and I can’t see the short sword with which I am going to thrust into your abdomen!”

NASO:  Geeze Ruga… if I had said that, Caesar might have become suspicious.

RUGA:  How did you ever get out of grade school?  Never mind.  OK, lads… here are the weapons.  Naso, I got this just for you.  It came from Outdoor Sportsman yesterday.  See?  A blackthorn shillelagh from Hibernia!

NASO:  Ruga, I have a question.  How do I use it?

RUGA:  Look at the directions… “for superior results in blunt force trauma”.  First you hit Caesar in the knees to immobilize him, and then you can begin beating him in the head ’til his face and brains look like week old banana skins!  Cimber, here’s a cutlass… used by the Barbary pirates!  Casca, a trident.  Longinus, you get the épée.  And the Bowie knife for you Brutus… remember to go for his spleen.

BRUTUS:  Ruga, I have a question.  What does “et tu Brute” mean?

RUGA:  And you Brutus?

BRUTUS: What does “et tu Brute” mean?

RUGA:  And you Brutus?  That’s what it means.  Are you trying to be stupid?  It’s Latin.

BRUTUS:  It’s Latin for are you trying to be stupid?

RUGA:  Don’t be an idiot! Here’s your knife.  Don’t harm yourself.  Remember. The spleen.  OK, lads… all clear?  Let’s take care of business!

BRUTUS:  I didn’t know that Caesar spoke Latin…

[One day later. The Roman Forum]

BRUTUS: Friends, Romans, countrymen lend me your ears.  Mark Antony can not be here to deliver his address.  He has a case of rampaging diarrhea… and a splinter in his foot! And I will not speak to you in iambic pentameter… I leave that to Mark Antony and future poets.  I will speak in plain prose.  I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.  Why? Because will all know him to be an ambitious elitist – which is a grievous fault… but a fault that could have been tolerated if he hadn’t used the ambition to lie and cheat at the game!  I ask you, paying just ten sestertius to complete a monopoly in light blue!  Is that honourable?  No!  Yes, he was my friend… and I do appreciate that he gave me a free pass if I landed on Britannia with a brothel.  But increasing the Income Tax?  Is that honourable?  No!  And another thing… speaking in Latin!  Is that honourable?  No!  It is an elitist tongue!  Now look… I know that Caesar was popular and all, and it’s just a damn shame that he had to pay the ultimate price for being an elitist swindler… but there you go.  Let that be a lesson to us all!  One further announcement: Calpurnia will be receiving well-wishers today in her salon and the bath houses and brothels will be open tomorrow.

 

Posted in The Ash Creek Bourbon & Conversation Corner | Leave a comment

Wines of Australia

On a land mass as big as nearly the Continental United Sates, Australia’s geography hardly seems suitable for viticulture.  The northern rim is a tropical climate covered in rainforest, woodland, grassland and mangrove swamp.  The massive interior is desert and semi-arid land.  Only the southeast and southwest corners of the continent offer temperate climate that is hospitable to vine.  And it is here that we find wine produced in quantities sufficient to make Australia the world’s fourth largest exporter of wine.

In his book The Story of Wine, Hugh Johnson writes, “Australia is the France of the Southern Hemisphere; there seems to be no limit its potential (enormously reinforced by modern technology) for producing ideally balanced, delicate wine very much in the French style (though with original touches of its own). But potential has never been enough. Fine wine has only been made at moments in history when the market has asked for it.”

The history of wine is Australia traces back to the establishment of Port Jackson as a convict settlement in 1788.  On the site of the present day of Intercontinental Hotel on Macquarie St. in Sydney, Captain Arthur Phillip planted Australia’s first vines.

Early interest in local wine was merely a diversion from what warder and convict desired most: rum from India.  The market demanded strong wine… wine that had been fortified with spirits, and production in the early vineyards went almost entirely into making Ports and other high alcohol wines.  Strong, lush and sweet… what would be referred to as sticky’s.

It would be a few decades before vintner’s would spread their wings further to Southeastern Australia and to the valleys and areas that would be home to some of the finest wineries of the world: Barossa Valley, Eden Valley, Clare Valley, McLaren Vale, Adelaide Hills, Limestone Coast, Coonawarra, Victoria and Yarra Valley.

The Aussie preoccupation with Ports, Muscats and Tokays fed into what the British market desired. It didn’t mean that dry reds and whites weren’t being produced. But it would take the efforts of Max Schubert, the winemaker at Penfold’s, who would “rewrite the book” about Australian wine after his visit to the Rhone Valley in 1951. Taken by the brilliance of Hermitage, Cote Rotie and the Syrah based wines of the Northern Rhone, Schubert returned to Penfold’s convinced that these wines could be emulated in Barossa Valley.

He began to tinker with the grape (known as Shiraz in Australia) and produced an “experimental” wine he called GrangeA huge wine, made in a rich fruit abundant style, more than any other wine, Penfold’s Grange caught the attention of the wine world.  Grange became a defining wine of what could be produced in Australia.

About Grange Robert Parker has written, “{Grange is} one of the flagship wines of the wine world and the reference point for most Australian winemakers who wanted to produce world class red wine.”

Barossa became to Australia what Napa is California… a wine rich province, home to world class wines.  The Estates of Elderton, Glaetzer, Turkey Flat, Amon-Ra, Two Hands and Veritas have all earned international praise for their fabulous reds.

East of Barossa, the higher altitudes of Eden Valley is known for producing some of Australia’s best Rieslings.

Still further to the south and nestled in the Fleurieu Peninsula are the wine estates of McLaren Vale.  You would be hard pressed to find a more ideal climate for the cultivation of wine grapes.  The coastal zone is bounded to the east by Mount Lofty Ranges and to the immediate west by a temperate sea.  There is a long growing season, natural air flow to prevent frost and the ocean supplies a cooling influence.  Located in the heart of McLaren Vale, the wines of D’Arenberg are some of the most desired in the world.  No private wine cellar would be complete without D’Arenberg’s exceptional Copper Mine Road Cabernet Sauvignon or Dead Arm Shiraz.

If the vineyards of Australia’s southeast are known for the production of Rhone varietals… Shiraz (Syrah), Grenache, Mourvedre and Viognier used for making opulent styled wines; on the other side of the Continent, we find some of the finest wines made from Bordeaux varietals… Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Cabernet Franc for reds, and Sauvignon Blanc and Semillon for whites.  South of Perth, the Margaret River estates produce wines that possess considerable finesse and elegance that bring to mind to best of wines from the Medoc, St. Emilion and Graves. And Leeuwin Estate consistently makes Chardonnay’s on par with the best from the Cote de Beaune.

If there is a common thread that runs thru the Australian wines that dominate the market, it is drinkability.  It is nearly impossible to pick up a glass of Shiraz, “GSM” Blend (Grenache-Shiraz-Mourvedre), Cabernet, Old Vine Grenache, and not want a second glass.  Regardless of price, the wines are good to drink… and if you can spend a couple of bucks, the cellar worthy reds are stunning.

The whites run the range from lush Chardonnays, soft Rieslings, lively Sauvignon Blancs and mineral driven Vigoniers.

Yes, the fortified wines that began this excursion are still being produced… but perhaps Australia’s greatest gift to the Wine World is Sparkling Shiraz.  This red sparkling wine is totally unique and nearly indescribable.  It is the one wine that travelers to “Down Under” come back looking for.  A bubbly red that is rich in fruit flavour that leads you to believe that it is sweet (but it isn’t). Across Australia, Sparkling Shiraz is served for Sunday brunch and at backyard barbeques… and Americans are learning that it is a great wine for our Thanksgiving table or for Christmas Day prime rib of beef.

Australian wine?  All you have to do is lift a glass and say, g’day!

Posted in Wine | 1 Comment

Rose

One of the most misunderstood wines in America is Rose.  For many, it is “White Zinfandel.”  For others it is the first wine they drank to excess when they were well under age.  Do you remember sneaking into your parent’s liquor stash and killing a bottle of Mateus? Not particularly positive associations?

True Rose is in fact red wine, minus the structure, tannin and complexity in red wine.  The skins (where the colour of red wine is derived) and the tannic elements of the grape (skins, pips and stems) are only kept with the juice a fraction of the time that would normally go into making a full fledged red wine.  Just hours, not days and days.

Typically the grapes are cold soak fermented so that flavours of the varietals can be absorbed before the alcohol conversion process takes place.  In this way the wine will retain a delightful freshness and delicacy. Rose is being vinified for it’s freshness and not its complexity. It is a wine that is best consumed young.

It only takes a visit to the Western Mediterranean rim during the warm weather months to see how popular this wine is.  It makes no matter where you are… Capri, the French Riviera, the Catalan Coast… look at any outdoor café, look on any table… what do you see?  A bottle of Rose!  And it makes no difference whether you are King or Commoner… the wine of summertime Europe is Rose.

Why?  It’s served chilled.  It’s wonderfully refreshing.  It goes with everything that is on the menu.  You can’t lose.

If you think that Rose is just Mateus and Lancers you are making a huge mistake.  It’s like thinking that all beer is Budweiser and Coors Light. Virtually all of the major wine producing areas of the world produce Rose to some level, and some areas specialize in it. In the Southern Rhone Tavel is known for their Rose.  Made in blends that include Grenache, Cinsault, Mourvedre and Syrah it is considered the most structured of the Roses. The best of them, like the wines of Domaine Tempier,  will actually improve with short term cellaring.

The Roses of Provence are simply a joy to drink. Made in a blends that offer pure expressions of the red varietals that we see throughout France’s South.  The most important grape is Grenache. Beautiful florals with red fruit charm, reasonably priced, make the wines from here the most consumed summer wine in France.

If you stop at a café along the Champs Elysee, the wine you sip will most probably be a Rose D’Anjou from the Loire Valley (Provence being too far removed to suit Parisians). The grapes used here, Gamay, and Groslot, lend a distinctive zesty fruitiness to their wines.

The success of Rose can not be contained within one country’s borders.  Along Italy’s Adriatic Coast you will find Cerasuolo d’Abruzzo made from the Region’s renown Montepulciano grape.

In Spain it might be a Rose of Tempranillo, in Argentina’s Mendoza it might be a Rose of Malbec, and in Australia’s Barossa it might be a Rose of Shiraz. In Napa it might be a Rose of Cabernet or, even more exciting, we can find practitioners of the blending arts like Randall Grahm of Bonny Doon Vineyard. His blended Vin Gris de Cigare Rose, stands alongside of Robert Sinsky’s Pinot Noir based Rose as one of California’s best entries into the class.

Getting the picture?  Name the Country, name the Region… find a Rose.

And while it’s easy to paint a picture of blue skies, puffy white clouds, soft breezes, an azure sea in the background… and a glass of Rose in the foreground… there is more to Rose than summer sunshine.

The wine can be truly enjoyed on a year ‘round basis. For the traditional “red wine lover”, it becomes their “white wine.”  For the traditional “white wine lover”, it becomes their “red wine.” Always excellent with spicy cuisine, a natural with ham and grilled poultry and a wine that can add to any festive Holiday table.

Posted in Wine | Leave a comment