I have been advised…

How do you know if you have them?  And even if you have them, you have to rely on others to give you an idea as to their quality.  And the folks who do the reporting always seem to have an agenda… some sort of complaint that probably colours their appreciation of a good snore

You may think it is easy to get a good snore.  I am here to tell you that a good snore is not easy to come by.  You have to know where to look for them.  Growing up in New Haven, we had access to a wonderful produce market on Whalley Avenue: Margie’s.   It is the only market I know of, that a person wasn’t allowed to pick out their own fruits and vegetables.  Margie would take each patron thru their needs selecting the proper plum or ear of corn that she thought was worthy.  End of story.  When Mommie Soph or my Mom would go there, I would have to remain close at heel lest I get to close to the produce display… and maybe touch something.

Mom would pay close attention to what looked good… and sometimes Margie would point to a basket over by the root vegetables… perhaps she had just received in some fresh snores… and Mom couldn’t resist… she would pick up a dozen or so for my Dad.  Then on Sundays Dad would always take a couple with him to enjoy on the couch while trying to watch some golf or an inning or two of a baseball ball game.  My Dad was also a notorious kitchen raider… and late at night when he would hit the fridge for a snack… he would always grab a handful of snores to take back up to bed.

Sadly… Margie’s market is no more.  Sure there are a few mail-order places that feature snores… usually the same places that sell rhino horn powder and dried snail slime.  There are some “pre-packaged” frozen snores that you can get at Costco… but they have had chemicals added as a preservative.  Some “specialty markets” get small amounts of imported snores; but they are priced to “Mars” and are usually weak and lack character.

I have had to make do.  But… more than one person has advised me that I do “just fine” with what I have been able to secure.  A few “engines at idle”, a couple of “hums of a spring day”, several “blast-offs”, a “flupper riffle” here and there, and even an occasional “ripper with a drool” (if I can find them).

But I don’t like leaving these things to chance.  You know… why go running around at the last minute looking for something to add necessary commentary to a dream.  And where would we be without our dreams?  Those extraordianry flights to the impossible and the disjointed?  Opportunities to visit again with folks who have moved to the other side of the river… Dreams are important and so are the accompanying snoring punctuation marks.  You see… I know this, even if you don’t.  Forgive me for sounding braggy; but I think my snores are great. 

On the other hand.  Some folks are lacking in the snoring arts.  Their snores fall short in the grace and elegance department… unlike those of us who were lucky enough to acquire “Margie quality” snores in their youth.  It’s true… you can’t get good snores in Brooklyn, ‘ferinstance.  *tsk, tsk*.  Brooklyn snores have volume… and little else.  Sorry.

Sandy and I have gone over this at considerable length.  And we have agreed to no longer leave this up to chance.  We have just pulled up the soy beans we planted last year (I can’t stand tofu and can’t understand why I let Sandy talk me into it in the first place) and we have just put in a small grove of snore trees. The trees are cuttings from the famous Darbing Forest in Srilanka and take very well to a variety of soil types.  We have also purchased 60 acres in the Litchfield Hills that offer key southern exposure for the limousin clones that we will plant for the winter crop.  This will give us year ’round access to snores and will make us independent of market availablity.

We are also planning on building a great house there so that we can offer gracious entertainments on the grounds of our plantation… and folks will be able to purchase snores… then stroll thru the groves, find a cozy hammock, a chaise lounge or just put out a blanket on the lawn and sample fresh, native, natural snores.  Nothing finer!

Fair warning… I have also been advised that I tend to be a bit greedy when it comes to snores.  I like to hoard them and not share… well they are so satisfying.  So… the next time you drop by, and if I am so engaged… I suggest that you take what you can get.  Don’t worry… I’ll understand.

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The Four Dwarfs and Passover

I couldn’t wait to get into bed on the nights after my Mom had changed the linen.  Nothing is better than fresh sheets.  I cherished it as much as the nights that my Dad would brush my hair after my night time bath.  If my Mom pulled bathing chores, she would have a business-like approach to the brushing of my hair.  My Dad?  He would take his time, slowly brushing my hair with a gentleness and care…perhaps unsure what a girl would think was important.  He would blow dry small portions, always checking the dryness.

When he was satisfied that my hair was well dry, I’d rush to my room, put on a fresh nightgown and dive in.  I couldn’t wait to enter those cold clean sheets. And that is what it was like.  Just like diving into a pool on an early June day.  Something that tingled and made your body come alive.

I would bury myself in.  Kicking my feet.  I am sure that it would look like I was treading water.  No.  I was merely trying to create warmth in the nether reaches of my nest.  I would stretch my nightgown down, twisting and turning… scratching and pawing at the sheets willing that they surrender their comfort.

Settled, I would reach for a book to occupy me ‘til Dad would come in.  I would look at something that would in no way interfere with what we would “read” together.

It would always be the same.  I would hear a knock…

“Are you ready for me, Bird?” he would ask.

And I would giggle, kick my feet in the covers and scrunch up with my pillow, “yes, I’m ready.”

Dad would come in, four or five books under arm, “Well… let’s see.  What would you like to hear tonight?”

I would kick my feet, not sure whether I had knocked all the cold from the bed, and bring the covers up to my nose… and I would giggle, “I don’t know… you choose!”  And I would giggle and kick my feet again… my hair is beautiful, I’m wearing my favorite nightgown with lavender flowers, Mom has made a fresh bed.

“Well, then… let’s see here.”  And he would search thru his books on hand, “I think a good story for tonight might be The Four Dwarfs and Passover.”

I would bicycle my feet, re-position my nightgown, re-draw my covers up to my nose… and then inch them down so I could say, “I thought there were seven dwarfs.

“Well Bird… you are just going to have to listen to the story.”

I loved my Dad’s voice.  It was soothing. It was reassuring.  It was warm and safe.  As warm as my blankets, as safe as a castle keep.  And to hear his words was enveloping… something that secured me.  I would be lulled, like music to a savage beast.   Oh, sure… I spent my day at school or in play running about… and I guess I could have fallen asleep no matter how you slice the pie. 

There are actors who have that “talent”… the ability to project strength and compassion thru their voice alone – Morgan Freeman comes to mind… But for me, hearing Dad’s voice was like a sedative… it put me to ease.  I could listen to my Dad giving a weather report.  And for sure at the end of a busy day of study and play I welcomed that sound as any that I have heard.

Oh, to listen to his voice.

I would cycle my legs once or twice, turn on to my right side and bring the covers to my chin.

Dad would turn off the main light in my room.  Sit at the base of my bed, with only the lamp from my desk for light.  He would open to a page.

Never mind that the four dwarfs turned into the Hiryu, the Soryu, the Kaga and the Akagi… the four aircraft carriers that we sunk at the Battle of Midway.

Never mind that he never really read from the book.

And never mind that The Fat Cheese and the French Fry turned into the Battle of Agincourt, or that The Feast of Alice turned into the Congress of Vienna, or that The Tower of Jell-O and Pirate King turned into the defeat of Chinese Gordon at Khartoum and that The Day the Honey Bear Lost His Pants became the Japanese Battle Fleet crossing the Russian Fleet’s “T” at Tushima Strait.

My Dad would simply open a book and begin with a description of the pitching sea, the sky and the smell of the sea breeze… and I would be taken for a journey on his soothing voice… to places I could only dream about.

He could take the wind beating against the window pane in my room to describe the sound of the arrow flight the English long-bowmen sent into the ranks of the terrified French soldiers of King Charles VI.

He would always find a way to include me in his story.  I would be seated next to Prince Metternich as we had dinner with Talleyrand, Wellington and Nesselrode as we tried to bring order to war ravaged Europe.  “You would have been dressed in your finest,” he would have said to me, and I would have been carried off to my dreams on thoughts of thick tables, and chandeliered rooms with grand paintings & tapestries.

When my eyes became heavy I would just hear the melody of his words & phrases… and I would be taken to my day’s rest and tucked in for the night.  Dad would close his book, kiss me on the forehead and say, “Dream of an exciting world, Bird… it lays before your feet.”

He would turn off my desk lamp… and he would be gone.

It is Spring now and I am preparing to take my 11th Grade Modern European History Class to the Pacific.  Even though it’s a lecture I have given year after year, I still like to review my notes.  Six months after the Japanese sank our Battleship Fleet at Pearl, a numerically inferior American Task Force met and decisively defeated the Japanese Carrier Fleet at Midway.  It was a Battle of critical importance, maybe the most important of the War.  It stopped the Japanese in their tracks and permitted Roosevelt to pursue his policy of Germany first.

I glance at the title of my lecture and smile…  Four Dwarfs and Passover.

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From the Complaint Desk of Philo Kvetch

Thanks for nothing Milton Bradley (or whoever you are)!!!  OK, here’s a quiz question — What doesn’t belong: St. Charles, Pacific, Baltic and Wacker Drive. Or here’s another — what doesn’t belong: Ventnor, Oriental, Rodeo Drive and Illinois.

If you score less than 100% it can only mean that you have never played Monopoly.  And if you have never played Monopoly then it can only mean that you are not an American or maybe you are a sweet potato disguised as a human.

Don’t get me wrong… I have nothing against the game of Monopoly.  I have truly enjoyed the game.  I had my favorite properties: the Railroads and the Orange Block — St. James, Tennessee & New York.  The latter represented great value, affordable buying price and great return on quickly developed housing.

I enjoyed playing the game as a kid, when I was in college, after college and then with my kids.  It’s that type of game… you can play it, and play it, and play it.  Young or old… wasn’t that a selling point?  Scrabble was a good game, too… but was dependent on evolving vocabulary skills.

I loved Monopoly’s “house rules”… whether you put money as a reward for landing on Free Parking, or if you picked up and extra “C” note for landing on Go, was it permissible to hide your money, were player to player loans allowed… the essentials of the game remained the same; but there were little quirky differences depending on whose home you played in… it was all good.

But lets face it… it was a game built on acquisition, greed and sending your opposition into the poor house.  Great American values!!

Then why should we be surprised when the Company that produced the game (or the Company that acquired the Company that produced the game, etc., etc.) should exhibit a similar degree of greed, avarice and exploitation?

No longer do we only feature the addresses of Atlantic City, NJ… we now have a “Chicago” version and a “Los Angeles” version.  And because the abstract of game is so simple, we can have a “Star Wars” version, or a “Shakespeare” Version… or a “Muncie, Indiana” version forGodsakes!!

And then if that was not enough… we can make a game box fashioned from the cedars of Lebanon, cast game pieces from recycled minie ball lead recovered from the Antietam Battlefield, laminate the deed cards in gilt, use handcrafted ivory dice made by the Queen’s Own Gamemaster… and then charge $1000 for the game.

So… we take a good game… we devalue it by coming up with mock versions to satisfy the gift giving need of folks from any city with a population over 50,000.  And because we have rendered the most significant board game of the 20th Century to “Egg McMuffin” status, we have to artificially create a “special edition” version by making its least important ingredients, important.

Is it really a more special game because the deed for Marvin Gardens is gilt edged?

I don’t think so.

But then again, who am I?

Just a simple citizen who likes to hide his $500 bills under the board.

Posted in The Ash Creek Bourbon & Conversation Corner | Leave a comment

From Caesar’s Diary

Ides of March

Dear Diary:

I don’t feel like going to the Senate today.  I think I am going to get a haircut instead.  Besides… it’s always the same guys… Cassius, Brutus and that new guy Russell Crowe.  Big deal.  A bunch of losers.  Hey!  I’m the Emperor… I can do what I want!  Fuck the Republic and the Senate, too.  I don’t need them!  Hah!  I’ll send their sorry asses to the Russian Front!  That’s what I can do.  No wine and no women for them… they can go freeze their kishkes off outside the gates of Moskva.  Yeah!  That will put an end to their whispers!  They think I don’t know what’s going on!  I’m Emperor… I know what’s going on!  Telling lies about me… making up stories.  Twenty below zero (and we’re talking farenheit baby) and no underwear will put a stop to that.  Oh, I can’t wait… the hell with a haircut, I am going to march right up to the Senate and put on my best shit-eating grin, “Brutus!  Pack your bags! You have just won an expense paid trip to Siberia!  See you in 25 years, pal!”  Being Emperor ain’t so bad…

Yeah, the Senate… what a bunch of shit heads!

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