A Noble Trade

It was Edward IV in 1492 who granted the charter for the creation of the barber’s guild… The Company of Barbers. Surgeons were given a charter 30 years later… giving you an idea what was considered more important at the time. Then under Henry VIII in 1540 the guilds were joined to form The United Barber Surgeons Company. You were apprenticed to both trades when joining the guild. Keep this in mind the next time you get nicked by your barber during a shave.

The art of cutting hair had been around for thousands of years before Edward thought to elevate the activity to the status of skilled trade. Razors have been found dating to 3500 BCE in Egypt. Over the sweep of history, whether by choice or law (Peter the Great of Russia taxed folks with beards), men have turned the cutting, shaving, shaping their hair to skilled artisans.

Somewhere along the path of development… the gift of gab was added to the barbering craft. It had to start in Italy…

Barbering was introduced to Rome thru the Greek colonies in Sicily in 296 BCE. In those days free citizens of Rome had to be clean shaven (beards signified that you were a slave)… and a morning tonsure became part of a free man’s daily routine… the barber’s place of business became a center to meet, exchange news and gossip. “Hey, did you hear that Senator Erroneous was caught with a goat in delecto flagrante…”

I’ve been thinking about this. Not about Senators getting caught in delicate situations… I’ve been thinking about the folks who I have entrusted to the task of cutting my hair.

So I have made one of my periodic reviews of who’s who in my life… Let’s forget the first 5 years or so of my life… because I certainly have… but soon after moving to 25 Alston Avenue I began to have my haircut at a barber shop at the base of Fountain Street in Westville. That shop was nestled between a pharmacy and an art supply store. This is where I would go for the next 11 years of my life to get a haircut.

At the beginning it would be Mommie Soph who would drive me there. There were two barbers cutting hair. I would always get the owner. A man whose name I sadly forget. I remember Mommie Soph would sit patiently waiting for me to get down from the chair… she would hand me the money, which included a tip, and I would duly give it to the barber. And he would always graciously thank me, and thank Mommie Soph.

Lynn may have taken me to some of those early visits, too. Particularly once she got her driver’s license.

But I reckon I was 10 or 11 when I was given permission to ride my bike to the barbershop myself. I loved the sense of independence… turning right on Edgewood, turning left on Central then to the corner of Fountain. Maybe two miles from our home. I was given the cost for a haircut, tip and a little extra so I could get a comic book at the neighboring pharmacy.

When I was 16 I drove to the shop. My barber was Italian (in fact, all my barbers have been Italian)… and he would tell me stories about being in the army during WWII… being in Italy, the food & shampooing hair on a daily basis, which he swore was essential to maintaining a healthy head of hair.

When I moved up to Schenectady for my four years at Union College, my barber was Augie. His shop was walking distance from campus on Union Street. Augie introduced me to the razor cut… something that proved to be more effective in taming my wild kinky/curly locks. This was also my first experience in getting a pre-cut shampoo. The nature of the gab ratcheted up with Augie. Sports, politics, college life, studies… Augie had a good gift.

Upon graduation and before entering the work force, I had a brief sojourn in the Active Service. My army haircut was an aberration. Conversation was certainly not part of the equation. I made the mistake of light heartedly asking the barber trim the back and take a little off the sides. “Anything you say…” as he took his clippers to my head with efficient and uncaring speed.

Then, back in the civilian world, Aldo cut my hair in New York for the next 24 years. And if he was on vacation when I needed a cut, then Frank, the shop owner, would step in. I think in 24 years, Frank cut my hair less than ten times… and never as good as Aldo. And the conversation was never up to speed, either.

With Aldo sports, politics, women and jokes dominated the gab. He was also interested in our clothing business. It turns out that he cut the hair of some of the guys over at J. Press. I didn’t want to let on; but I thought that this was grounds for treason. I bit my lip… I liked Aldo too much to defect… I was just very circumspect about business talk… If things got too close to “information” I would quickly tack to another course… “Can you believe that Senator So-And-So got caught with his zipper down…”

Leaving New York in 1996 was traumatic for me. On many levels. I only glance back occasionally to those days, the light is blinding and deeply disturbing.

Considering the other issues in my life at that time, where I was going to get my next haircut should not have been a pressing concern. Yet finding a barbering emporium that has been my “home” for these last ten years has been no small blessing.

My first visit to the Franklin-Philip Salon had actually taken place some twelve years before. This is where we took Zack for his first “big boy” haircut. There was a part of the salon that was fitted out with booster seats and TV sets playing cartoons. And not dumb cartoons; but Disney stuff or classic Warner Brothers. I loved it! Connie cut his hair. She would also cut Shaina’s and Suzy’s when they were little.

When I returned to the salon in 1996, regrettably the cartoons were gone. But I would soon see that Philip DiConstanza was more than capable in the cutting-of-the-hair department without the aid of Winnie the Pooh. And in the gab department he would stand without peer.

Over the years we have had both serious and hilarious conversations. Social issues, world affairs, politics, kids (our kids went to Columbus School), jokes and music… music big time.

When not attending to heads of hair, Philip pursues his passion for music. He plays guitar, writes music and plays in a group. A haircut doesn’t go by when we do not trade a least one music related story. Philip suffers my dislike of John Lennon and my luke warm appreciation of Bob Dylan. But we are in total accord about Tighten Up by Archie Bell & the Drells being the worst song of the 20th Century (edging out Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goal Posts of Life).

At some point during my haircut, brother Frank will emerge from the back office… I consider him to be our Greek Chorus… he fills in the gaps of the story lines. He also has a handsome inventory of puns and political insights which will usually find their way into the gab. Like Philip, he is a splendid audience for my jokes. Anyone, by the by, who laughs at my jokes I consider to be splendid. Splendid, and very, very bright.

On my last visit to the emporium I dusted off an old joke that Paul and I used to tell twenty-five years ago. We retired it from our repertoire once we had exhausted our list of worthy targets. It is without question the most repulsive joke I have ever told. Bobby Bellin who told me the joke said that I wouldn’t laugh at it on first hearing… it had a “delayed fuse”. But Bob had assured me that after two days the joke’s hilarity would bloom. This turned out to be very true.

There have only been two people who laughed at the Aristocrats joke “out of the box”… who could immediately see the intense irony: Rabbi Robert Goldburg and Philip DiConstanza.

My haircuts take longer these days. Which is a bit ironic since there is far less to cut. When Augie cut my hair all those years ago, the floor surrounding my chair looked like a Merino Ram had just been sheared. Today? After an hour’s worth of careful clipping with scissors that could be used to manicure a bonsai tree, there isn’t enough hair to put into a lunch bag.

I think that one of the reasons it takes an hour is that we love the schmooze. An hour could just as easily turn into two.

I scan the years. The casual disregard I take to hair grooming between visits should in no way reflect poorly on the collective talents of my barbers. To a man, each has more than demonstrated skills meriting placement in the Company of Barbers.

50+ years, four barbers. Thank you gentlemen.

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Hilda

Hilda? Perhaps you have a “Hilda” in your family. We had one in ours. She was my Father’s Spinster Aunt. There was a “secondary” Hilda in the family as well. Paul had a Fraternity Brother who was married to a “Frieda”. For reasons unknown, Dad always called her “Hilda”. This Friedian slip was a source for amusement in our family circle… as you will soon see, you did not want to be mistaken for Hilda… or anything closely resembling her.

Hilda was my Grandmother’s younger Sister. I wasn’t as close to my Father’s side of the family. Mommie Soph, my Mother’s Mother, lived with us. Bubie Lena, my Father’s Mother lived in a small apartment on Dwight St. with Hilda.

When I would go over for a visit, Bubie would bring out a plate of cookies for me and we would play cards. She taught me how to play Gin Rummy. At some point during the visit, Bubie would berate Hilda. For what? I haven’t a clue. But as sure as God made green apples, Hilda would be in for at least one good scolding during my visit.

It made me uncomfortable. What could Hilda have said or done to warrant that treatment? Here was Bubie smiling sweetly at me, giving me cookies, teaching me about “runs and suits”, and then she would turn on her like Hilda was a misbehaving dog that had just peed on the rug. I don’t know… maybe she did.

You could see Hilda’s embarrassment… her shame.

For Thanksgiving, Passover & cookouts during the summer Bubie and Hilda would come to our home on Alston Avenue to share in the festivity. Even in our home Hilda would not be immune from suffering some form of rebuke.

It’s a sad thing for young children to see this. It becomes all too easy to think that she deserves this treatment. And of course, human nature, even for little kids, is to look for things to confirm a thesis. In this case that Hilda was an idiot and should best be kept out of sight.

It’s hard to sit in judgement of others. To think that Bubie was simply being cruel. Maybe there were other issues for Bubie. Maybe it was difficult living with a Sister for so long… being responsible day in and day out for her… And doing it in an era when we didn’t better understand the nature of folks who didn’t have all the mental tools… a time when we thought that it was Hilda’s fault.

So there we are… the family would be gathered in the living room of our home… stories going around the room, laughter liberally punctuating observations… and there Hilda would sit in silence, in a chair off to the side, hands clasped on her lap, legs crossed at the ankles, head cast slightly downward, hollow darkness surrounding watered eyes.

Perhaps the conversation moved to something she knew… or more likely, a tag line to a story had a musical delivery, that in turn would connect to a song… Hilda’s expression would brighten, she would clap in appreciation, or perhaps to accompany her sense of the melody’s beat… maybe she would join in with a hum. And then she would contribute a cackle to our laughter… something out of Margaret Hamilton as the Wicked Witch of the West.

Bubie would then chastise her for intruding in our fun. Hilda’s brief moment of joy flickered and died. If she remained in the room, she did so in silence. If her embarrassment was too great, she would retreat to the privacy of our den where no one could see her shame.

Hilda would out live Bubie. And with no big sister to look after her, she would go to the Jewish Home for the Aged. For Holiday dinners one of us would be assigned the task of driving over to the home, picking her up and returning her at evening’s end. We would groan at the thought that we might have to sit next to her at the dinner table.

At an age when I should have showed greater compassion for her, sadly I did not. Of this I am not proud.

Over the years I have changed my thinking about Hilda. I now consider our family to have been blessed to have her in our life. It isn’t every day that we’re presented an opportunity to demonstrate compassion and generosity of spirit.

Hilda has given me a valuable lesson… I just wish she were here, to hum one more off-key melody, so I could tell her so.

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Promotion at Grapes!

Yes, yes… I know what you’re thinking! It’s about time! Jim deserved a promotion! Hard for me to maintain my humility. I had trained for it all summer… completed the course successfully, proved my mettle… Ash and John had to give me the boost.

I guess when I tainted Darien’s supply of mayonnaise this past August, it caught Ash’s eye. When Norwalk Hospital reported a flood of folks complaining of a foul smelling oily discharge and blurred vision, I sat in our “bullpen” with a knowing grin.

Oh, yeah. It felt good… it was not a matter if, but when I would be promoted to head Grapes’ Department of Dirty Tricks & Covert Ops. Whoo, whoo!

Last month I secured the customer list of Stew Leonard’s wine buyers… and for the past two weeks I have been calling their list at 5:15AM… “Sorry if I’ve gotten you up… but at Stew Leonard’s we believe in getting an early start to the day! This is Richie calling from Stew Leonard’s Wines to let you know that the wine you ordered isn’t in yet! What? You didn’t order wine? Oh… so sorry… my mistake… forgive the call. Oh… one more thing, you dick… Stew Jr. thinks you’re fat!” *click*

Last week I went to to Zachy’s in Scarsdale and waited ’til there were many patrons browsing thru the wine displays… I picked up a bottle and in a loud voice asked… “Hey! Do you know if this wine still has the additive that helps constipation?”

I hacked into the Wine Library’s website and changed all their prices.

During a midnight raid I put a sign outside of Bevmax… “Jews and other aliens not welcome here.”

And this is just the beginning. I may even join the Republican Party. I think I have finally found my true calling!

Jim Winston: Director of Dirty Tricks and Covert Ops… code name The Cheetah.

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Memories of Thanksgiving

How can you dispute that this is our Holiday… that Thanksgiving is America. One could also point to the 4th of July as being the American Holiday.

But here’s the difference. Thanksgiving is a celebration of family & 4th of July is a celebration of Community. But the key distinction is the food. Thanksgiving has to be the single best meal of the year. Christmas, Easter and Brunch on New Years have special qualities, too. But Christmas and Easter have religious underpinnings. And not every one thinks as highly of a New Year’s repast of Eggs Benedict and Champagne as I do.

Thanksgiving? At no other time of the year do virtually all of the citizens of our Country sit down to practically the same menu. And the same can not be said for the 4th. And besides, our celebration of the 4th can take place outside of our homes… fireworks at local parks, cookouts down by the shore… with our picnic tables adjacent to folks we don’t even know. The 4th is fun… it just doesn’t have the intimacy of the Thanksgiving table… even when the extended family joins in to increase our numbers… The extended family actually adds to the “closeness”.

As much as I adore the dinner… a side note: there was a Thanksgiving when the Ds joined the table… Mrs. D made stuffed, garlic enshrouded artichokes… the best I’ve ever had, pasta of some type and sausage & meatballs… and this was before the turkey etc., etc. But there is more than the dinner… and it is those memories that are fun to tap into.

As a Son… like many cities across the country, New Haven featured a football game that pitted a traditional rivalry on Thanksgiving. Thursday morning it was Wilbur Cross against Hill House High School. My Dad graduated from Hill House… something that I only had a vague awareness of. I don’t know what prompted him one Thanksgiving to take in some of the game. But he took me in tow. Just the two of us. Dad grew up in New Haven… knew folks. If he saw a familiar face, I can’t say. Maybe that was why we went… so he could connect to an old chum, or just be hear the pomp of the marching band. I can remember it being cold. I can remember thinking that I didn’t know any of the players’ names & didn’t feel committed to rooting one way or another… It wasn’t as if Paul was out there playing. To me, it was just a bunch of guys running around. But I was with my Dad.

As a Father… One Thanksgiving morning we got up to about 4 inches of snow. In all my life I can never remember having a snow on Thanksgiving. In fact, there have been probably less than 4 times that we had snow on ! You snow for Christmas, you it, you it… it’s on all the holiday cards, it’s part of the nostalgia. But Thanksgiving? Snow? Sure, it would be nice, just not what you would to see in Connecticut along the Sound. And here we are, on this particular Thursday, greeted with a few inches of the fluffy stuff. We would be heading over to the Cadans for Thanksgiving dinner later in the day… but that would leave us the morning to do as we fancied. I took Zack, Shaina & Suzy over to Wolfpit School and put their steep hill to good use. We stayed long enough to get in a few good sledding runs, get red cheeks and runny noses. I’ve taken the kids for sledding on other times… when the snow was better and more fun. Great times, sure… but not the as on Thanksgiving!

As a Friend… One Thanksgiving we joined forces with our friends the Rowes. Craig suggested it to me. We would send Ellen & Denise and our four “little ones” into the City for the Macy’s Parade… Zack and Scott would hang-out… and we would be responsible for the kitchen prep. Two turkeys to make… one in the oven, one on the grill… and all the sides. Craig took on the task of organization… I was assigned specific duties, the most important of which was the making of our Martinis. It was a pleasant afternoon with the weather nice enough for us to enjoy our conversation outside wedged in between the prep. The Martinis couldn’t have been better. Craig and I have had many talks over the years… but there was something special about the pace of our afternoon without the buzz of the kids and our wives to deflect from the tone and tenor of our thoughts. Nor did we feel the pang of guilt. Denise and Ellen had the day off from KP… the kids were being treated to a special day in the City… the older boys happy to have their siblings elsewhere.

As a Stranger… The Thanksgiving in 1971 found me in the Mess of Echo Company, 9th Battalion, 2nd Regiment in Ft. Jackson, South Carolina. The Army is very proud that they provide a place to sleep and “three squares” a day to all soldiers. I believe prison makes the same claim. And on Thanksgiving there probably wasn’t much that separated the menu at Echo Company from Folsom Prison. I do remember the day, however. I do remember that the Drill Sergeants treated us with a higher degree of humanity. Well… I guess even they needed a day off from playing the part of a . Sort of like a Sunday. For me, it was an extra “Sunday” in a week. And for that, I was thankful.

Thanksgiving. Did I mention the food? Did I mention how great it is to sit down with family? I am taking nothing away from that. Still, I think it’s about the small stories contributing to the large story. The large story can blur; but it is the small story that cuts a fine edge into memory.

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