“Hullo luv, I’m home!”
“Hagar, wipe your feet before coming in!”
“I’m only here for a minute… King Harold says we’re off with the tide and I just have to pick up a few things to take along…”
“Sure… again you’re off! And what am I supposed to do while you’re off plundering Europe? Eh? Tell me! Take care of your stinking kids! And what thanks do I get?? And I bet you won’t even get on the Pillaging Team this time! Lars always makes the Pillaging Team. Lars brings home silver and amber for Ulla!! I get smelly hides!!”
“Those are delicate under things, Helga my Sweet Flower!”
“Don’t give me Sweet Flower! Give me silver and amber!!”
“Yes, yes… My Treasure… it will be amber and silver…”
“You know, Lars sent his resume to the Huns. The Pillagers do very well there. They get all sort of neat and exotic stuff from the East. You watch, first chance he gets he’ll sign on with the Huns and Ulla will have a home filled with great things… perfumes, pretty silks, ornate door stoppers… not stinky hides. Lars knows how to take care of Ulla… ”
“Well, my Jewel… you know, there is silver and amber…”
“Remember… it’s amber from Kiev and silver from Paris… not the other way around, you shmecko”
“Yes, farewell my luv… Kiev, amber and Paris, silver… farewell.”
****
“OK, lads… step lively. Rapers to the bow of the ship… then the Pillagers amidships and the Burners to the stern…”
“Harold… can I be on the Pillaging Team this time? You promised that I didn’t have to be on the Burners this time.”
“That’s because you set the ship on fire the last time Hagar…”
“It was an accident…”
“Hear that boys? It was an accident!!! HAH!!”
“Harold can I be on the Raping Team, this time? Knard is always getting on the Raping Team. When is it going to be my turn?”
“Not a chance Hagar. I am putting you to the head of the Diplomacy Team!”
“Diplomacy Team? Harold, there is no Diplomacy Team.”
“There is now!”
“What Diplomacy? We come ashore. We see a village, we Pillage it, we Rape the women and the animals, and then we Burn the village to the ground. There’s no Diplomacy! And besides… I have no title that has the ring of authority… you know like Erik the Red, or Ethelred the Unready or Henry the Kissinger.”
“I see your point…”
“And besides, what am I supposed to be doing when you and the rest of the guys are out Raping, Pillaging and Burning?”
“Yes… I see what you mean…’the idle mind is the devil’s playground’ sort of thing? Right, well lads… please welcome to our company, Hagar the Horrible… Diplomat and P.L.O.”
“P.L.O.?”
“Permanent Latrine Orderly… you can tell Helga that you cleaned up… eh, boys?!! HAH! Prepare to set sail! Members of the Burners Team, please set your torches on safety… we don’t want another mishap…”
“Geeze… it was just an accident.”