Please Pass the Port

“Would you be so kind as to please pass the Port?”

Here we go. I wish I could leave the table. “Would you be so kind…” He sounds like a supercilious idiot. On one occasion somebody said I had a “supercilious” manner. I didn’t know what it meant, and then I forgot to look it up. Anyway, how can you look something up if you don’t know how to spell it? I still don’t know what it means. But this jerk has to be supercilious! “Would you be so kind…” Give me a break.

“What a charming etched decanter!  Is it an antique?”

Look at him fix his shirt cuffs! Nice cuff links… if you work for the mob or are a pimp! Look how big they are! They are the size of gold strawberries!. I bet he is wearing gold chains, too. He wants everyone to stare at his big gold cuff links. Isn’t everyone impressed?  “Charming etched decanter.”  Oh, God… I’m getting sick.

“And what is the Vintage are we going to experience tonight?”

Experience?  I thought we were going to drink it.  Maybe he is going to rub some into his scalp.  No.  He’s probably wearing a hair piece.  Maybe just a dab behind each ear?  Can cuff links be supercilious?

“Vintage Port is not made every year.  The weather has to be just right.  A cold wet winter sets the stage.  Spring must be hospitable when the buds appear on the vine.  Summer, beastly hot.  Just a touch of rain in late August or early September… this helps plump up the grapes.  Then bone dry for harvest.  If all those things happen we are well on the way to making Vintage Port.  After 16 months aging in wood, the wine will be presented to a Panel of Tasters from the Port Wine Institute for approval… if it is deemed worthy… Voila!  Vintage Port!'”

Voila!  I’d like a ginger ale.  Or maybe a whisky.

“You say we’re going to have a 1963 Graham’s? Oh, my, my!!”

Everyone look under the table.  I bet he has an errection!

“Graham’s 1963!  It’s one of the greatest Post-War Vintages.  What a treat.  Perfect weather conditions for making perfect Port.”

Oh joy… get ready for a weather report from 45 years ago. Can someone pass the cheese tray before it rains.

“The winter had a goodly amount of rain and snow.  But the vineyards were well dry by late April.  The rest of the spring was a bit wet; but not overly so.  Then a glorious summer of dry sunny days!  And then as if on cue… a light rain in Mid-September.  And then a dry harvest!”

1963? Wasn’t it sunny in Dallas?  Can a hair piece be supercilious?

“And now… to the wine.  A deep ‘robe’, with colour beginning to fade at the rim.  That’s to be expected!  You’d be fading at the rim after 45 years, too!  Ha, ha.”

A hair piece and a wit!  I think I need that whisky now.  Fuck the Port.

“Let the aromas cascade over you.  Taste the rich sinuous fruit, excellent concentration and depth of flavour… and this is the stunning part: finesse and elegance.  Feel the liquid coat your palate.  The texture?  It’s like a silky cream.  What breeding, what power! This is a mere babe!  It has decades remaining.”

I felt the table move and lift.  He definitely has a major league “woody”.  I think the women are beginning to blush.  A “mere babe”?  This guy is a wine pedophile!  A piece of dung hiding behind a fancy shirt and gold cuff links!

“I happen to have Decanter Magazine’s review of this wine: ‘Remarkably youthful and vibrant, classic Graham richness is offset by crisp acidity lingering onto the finish.  A brilliant wine now but will develop for 20 years plus'”

Decanter Magazine?  I have an original issue of the first Dick Tracy Comic Book.  Mint condition.  I have it in the car.  Maybe I should bring it in?  I happen to have a review that was posted on eBay.

“And for the gentlemen at the table I have brought has some extraordinary Havanas that I picked up on my last trip to Moscow.  Exquisite cigars to enjoy with a breathtaking Port.”

Cigars?  Cigars?!  Poke me in the eye with a hot stick! Lucky that I have brought along my personal supply of farts.  And I am now going to add to my reserve.  I am going to ask the hostess, if she would be so kind, considering that I have an acute cholesterol sensitivity, in lieu of the cheese tray, if she could get me a vegetable medley plate of garbanzo beans, brussel sprouts and cauliflower… and a small side portion of greasy pork chops.  Thank you.

“My oh my.  It can’t get any better than this!”

Wait ’til I summon a fart.  It will be like a cherry on the sundae.

“I hope that you are enjoying this as much as I am.  I would like to extend my thanks to our host and hostess.  Please join me in raising a glass in praise of a wonderful dinner, wonderful wine, wonderful company… and a wonderful and gracious host and hostess!”

“Here, here!  And please pass the Port.  By the by, do you happen to know the correct spelling of the word ‘supercilious’?”

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