I think you’d be safe in calling me low tech. I take no offense. My Dad shunned the zip code, and he was lost forever when we dropped the use of names and numbers for our phone numbers. My Dad was low tech, too. For nostalgic reasons I still think of our old New Haven phone number as FUlton 7-7728. Zip codes don’t worry me.
But no one is going to accuse Sandy of being low tech. We are the “Doc Blanchard and Glenn Davis” in the tech world. I am Mr. Outside, and she is Ms. Inside… thank you very much Red Blaik and Army football.
It should come as no surprise that Sandy would surface one day with a GPS gadget for our car. I explained that there were countless ways to get directions to point “B” from point “A”… look at a Hagstrom road map or pick up the phone and ask for directions… or even the medium tech approach: “MapQuest” it. But no… we needed a global positioning system.
A quick aside… I do believe this GPS stuff has some excellent applications… like directing a scud missile into the ambush position the state gendarmes use just over the crest on I-84.
We were not about to get any GPS… it had to be a GARMIN. And as it turned out we didn’t get just any GARMIN. No. Sandy filled out some questionnaire… and for reasons unknown, she was sent one of 100 experimental state-of-the-art versions — free of charge. How could I object? Stand in the way of furthering technology? Not me.
GARMIN: What is your destination?
JIM: The Susquehanna Hat Company on Bagel Street.
SANDY: Behave. 61 Point Beach Drive, Milford, CT.
JIM: I know how to get there…
GARMIN: Take a left on to Quassuk Rd. Stay on it for one tenth of a mile and take a right at the stop sign. Come to a full stop before turning.
JIM: *Whew* I’m glad we have the GARMIN… I might I have turned right on Quassuk, or rolled thru the stop sign.
SANDY: We’ll…you’re lucky. There’s a “State-y” across the road and he would have nailed your ass if you had rolled thru the stop sign like you usually do.
GARMIN: Stay on Route 6 South for 16 miles. Don’t speed.
JIM: Can I pick my nose? Stay on Route 6? I wouldn’t go this way … we always go on to I-84, then Route 25 down to I-95. Did this thing really know that there was a cop back there?
SANDY: We have to trust in the GARMIN…
GARMIN: Say, that’s a good looking shirt you’re wearing. I think you’re driving too fast.
JIM: What? How did you program this thing? And I’m not driving too fast. I never speed in Woodbury and you know it! I have taken an oath to be a model citizen.
GARMIN: Pay attention to the road.
JIM: What? Hey, are you throwing your voice? What did you tell that thing about me.
SANDY: On the questionnaire I told them that you were the primary long distance driver…
JIM: That’s it?
SANDY: And that you were on a work-release program, you have problems with authority figures wearing uniforms, you won’t eat sushi and you hate the New York Jets.
JIM: I’m glad you covered the key points.
GARMIN: If you slow down you can enjoy the breathtaking view of the Flanders Nature Preserve.
JIM: View? You see nothing from the road other than trees, a sign and a picnic table. Hah! I bet that table is crawling with centipedes and huge spiders with furry legs. For all this thing knows there is a mosquito infested swamp on the other side of the trees!
SANDY: Don’t be rude. Lord Standish was trying to make a pleasant observation.
JIM: Lord Standish?
SANDY: It was suggested that we give our GARMIN a name. I thought it might be fun to drive around with a Royal.
GARMIN: Here’s a joke that you haven’t heard. There’s this little boy, celebrating his 5th birthday and his mother bought him a cowboy outfit, complete with two six shooters. She also gave him some money and told him to walk to Baskin and Robbins to get a hot fudge sundae. So all duded up he walks into Baskin and Robbins and orders a hot fudge sundae and the counter girl asks, “do you want your nuts crushed?” And he pulls out his guns and says, “Not unless you want your tits shot off!”
SANDY: {laughing, laughing very hard} Oh! That’s a great one!
JIM: A great one? Of course it’s a great one! It’s one of my jokes for godsakes! My Dad told me that joke after I graduated from Hamden Hall. It was the first joke that he told me that had a racy word in it. He must have figured that it was time to break the ice. That… that thing stole my joke! And besides, it wasn’t Baskin and Robbins… but the soda fountain at the corner drug store. And wait a minute! What if Max or Zoey were in the car… that’s not a joke that you tell in front of little kids! Even I wouldn’t tell that joke in front of little kids!! Here’s a joke that you haven’t heard… Bullshit! It’s my fucking joke. Lord Haw-Haw stole my joke!
SANDY: {stifling a laugh, doing a bad job of it} Not Haw-Haw… Lord Standish.
GARMIN: You should calm down. You shouldn’t be driving in an excited state. You just went thru a red light.
JIM: It’s my first optional for the day. I’m entitled to three.
SANDY: Optional?
JIM: Yes, the State of Connecticut says that I can choose to ignore three traffic lights per day. And they don’t accumulate. Use ’em, or lose ’em.
SANDY: Optional?
JIM: I hate lights. Why didn’t you tell that thing I hated lights?
SANDY: Lord Standish, dear.
GARMIN: In nine tenths of a mile take a right at the light and turn on to Route 8 South.
JIM: Shit, we’re going to miss this light and there is a cop sitting right there! I wish I had brought my bazooka. OK, here’s a joke: This guy walks into a bar near Carnegie Hall. He is carrying an octopus. The bar is a hang out for musicians who grab a beer after rehearsals. Well, this guy announces that he will bet $50 that his octopus can play any instrument. One guy takes his French horn out of its case and puts fifty on the table. The octopus crawls around the horn to get its bearings and then starts to play a lovely piece. The next musician takes out his oboe. You know, like who the hell can play that instrument? But sure enough this octopus crawls around it, and in a second or two is playing a piece from Peter and the Wolf! Well… the bartender, who was watching all this, finally says, “wait a second…” He goes into a back room and comes out with a set of bagpipes and puts it on the table, “$100 says your octopus can’t play this.” The guy accepts the bet, and the octopus begins to crawl over the pipes… no music. Everyone’s watching and waiting. Finally the guy says, “hey! Start playing it already!” And the octopus says, “Play it? As soon as I figure how to take off its plaid pajamas, I’m going to fuck it!”
SANDY: {laughing} That’s not a joke for Zoey or Max either. But it’s cute!
JIM: Yeah, one of my favorites! I think you laughed more at the other joke…
SANDY: {stifling a laugh}
JIM: I knew it! It’s that damned British accent! That thing could say “rice pudding” and it would be funny! Why did you choose that British accent? You should have picked something else… like Jackie Mason… then it would have sounded like we were driving around with one of our relatives! That would have worked! You know: “Take a right here. Oy! The sun is right in my eyes! Open the window I can’t breathe. No. Close it, close it! It smells like dead fish out there! Oy vey, I think I am going to pass out!”
SANDY: {laughing} Good idea! I’ll make the recommendation in the “comments” portion of the survey I have to fill out.
JIM: OK. And don’t forget to tell them that it’s not “Baskin and Robbins”; but the corner drugstore with a soda fountain.
SANDY: {stifling a laugh} OK. Corner drugstore with a soda fountain. Got it!
GARMIN: My, that’s a smart after shave. Where did you get it? Slow down. Speed trap ahead.