The Ash Creek Papers

Near Midnight, 14 March 44 B.C.E.

CAESAR: ARRRRRAUGH!! AAAARRAAUGHHHH!! Brutus!! AAAAAAAACKKK!!

CALPURNIA: Julius!  Julius… get up, get up!  Wake up Julius! You’re having a dream!

CAESAR: Dream? No, a shit show nightmare!!  I can’t believe it, I can’t believe it! Oh sweet Jupiter what terrifying visions plague my night.

CALPURNIA: Julius calm yourself… you’re in our bedroom.  No harm will come to you…

CAESAR: Oh, Calpurnia only if you had been there.  You have no idea the wretched sequence of events that gripped my mind and drove a dagger into my soul!  At first there was nothing to suggest an unhappy interlude.  It was a Tuesday afternoon when Brutus and I play chess.  And Brutus opens with the Queen’s gambit.

I stare at him. I grit my teeth and spit out “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”He just smirks.  Smirks for Apollo’s sake!  “I told you never to use that opening with me!”  I scream at him, “NEVER!  Do you hear me? Never!!”  In a rage I drop my wine goblet, knock over the board, the chess pieces scatter everywhere and I step in dog shit!

CALPURNIA:  Don’t tell me you’re going ballistic over a silly board game! That’s the dagger to your soul?

CAESAR: First, it’s not silly board game! It’s chess for Minerva’s sake!  And then it gets even worse!  On Friday’s after an hour or two in the baths it was time for our regular bridge game with Longinus and Cimber.

Brutus opens the bidding with 1 spade.  Longinus follows with 2 spades, showing that he has a void in spades.  I bid 2 no-trump.  Cimber passes.  Brutus goes 3 clubs.  Longinus passes. I follow with 4 clubs, which tells him I’m short in clubs. Cimber passes. Brutus then bids 4 no-trump, using the Blackwood Convention… he is asking if I have the missing Ace. Longinius passes.  I respond 5 spades, indicating I do have the Ace. Cimber passes.  And then… and then Brutus takes us to “slam” and bids 7 spades!  7 spades, yet!  Longinus leads with the King of Clubs. Brutus was going to have to run a first round finesse, and he aint’ that smart or lucky!  I was furious!  I get up from the table to go over and choke him, but trip when I step on the hem of my toga and fall into the table with the oil lamp and two trays of pastries.  The lamp sets the linen tablecloth ablaze and burns the baklava to a crisp.  And it wasn’t long before the entire west wing of the gymnasium was consumed in flames!  And I’m thinking “holy mother of pearl! I’m going to have to pay for this!”

CALPURNIA: Was that the dagger to the soul part?

CAESAR: Not funny Calpurnia! There’s more! We were all younger then.  This was before I went to subdue Gaul.  And there was this gala reception at the Coliseum.  All of Rome was there.  Senators, hundreds of courtesans, important citizens, unimportant citizens, charioteers, more courtesans… even slaves.  Everyone was there!  And mid-way thru it was time for the “girls ask dance.”  It was going to be a Lindy or Charleston and you came over to me all excited and said, “I believe this is our dance!” And Brutus catches sight of this, and obviously crushed by your choice, his face turns beet red.  It looks like he is going to have a stroke!!  He tears across the dance floor waving a good sized cutlass and screams, “I’m going to kill you”!!  Brutus, No! ARRRRRAUGH!! AAAARRAAUGHHHH!!

CALPURNIA: No dagger?

CAESAR:  That’s just great.  My best friend is going to kill me and you’re making jokes!

CALPURNIA: Calm down Julius, it was just a dream.  Look, your nightshirt is all wet from sweating.  Go put on a fresh shirt and you will feel better.  I’ll make you some warm milk to help you get back to sleep.  You’ll feel better in the morning and you can go over to the Forum,  grab a cup of coffee and a prune Danish with Brutus and have a few laughs about your dream.

Riverwalk Gym @ the Heritage Hotel, Southbury, CT.  Wednesday,  mid-day, January 8. I had just finished my treadmill walk at a blistering 4.0 pace listening to the Rolling Stones “Don’t Get Angry With Me” and Fritz and the Tantrums “Hand Clap” &c, when it was time to enjoy the Riverwalk’s hot tub, with its Jacuzzi.   I placed the jet strategically on my right knee.  On most days, my session in the warming hot of the Jacuzzi is solo.  What I prefer.  But, on occasion I am joined by a house guest staying at the Heritage Hotel. 

I do my best to avoid interactions with others who I don’t know.  But then there are the unforeseen encounters that become memorable.  For example, how could I ignore this?

“So, do you like dinosaurs?”

This fellah could have asked, “What do you love about quantum physics?” or “Isn’t the breeding pattern of the rose aphid fascinating?” or “Do you like goat cheese?”  But dinosaurs?  He was worth a sideway glance. Which he then took as an invitation to proceed…

“I’m from Pocatello, Idaho and I love dinosaurs.  Have since I was a kid.  The Natural History Museum of Pocatello has some cool stuff on Ice Age Mammals; but I’m a Dinosaur guy first an’ foremost.  Ya’ know how there are guys who are crazy baseball fans an’ they make it a thing to go to every baseball spring training site an’ then follow it up with taking in a ball game at each big league stadiums?  Well, I’m like that with dinosaurs.  And I’ve set my mind to visit the Museums of Natural History of the world!  I’ve already been to nearly two dozen museums including the Museum of Natural History of L.A. County which has a display of a juvenile, a sub-adult, and an adult Tyrannosaurus Rex.  But the best T-Rex by far is at the Chicago Field Museum.  They named her Sue!  Ya know I saw several posts on Facebook of this couple who own 3 little monkeys that they have trained to do all manner of stuff like fetching bowls from the pantry for their snack. Stuff like that.  And these little monkeys are fully dressed in diapers an’ cute dresses or pants. And when I think of Sue the T-Rex I don’t think of her in a plaid lumberjack flannel shirt from L.L. Bean; but in a floral smock with capped sleeves, leggings and a pedicure. Yeah, I’ve been to museums all over the place.  Been to Natural History in New York, an’ Smithsonian in D.C.  I am here in Connecticut to visit Yale’s Peabody Museum in New Haven. They have just renovated their Great Dinosaur Hall.  Originally they had the wrong head on their Brontosaurus, an’ had its huge tail dragging on the ground.  But they got that fixed up now. And on the ground at its tail end is the best part of the display — it’s a Smart Car-sized corprolite!  Do ya know what that is?  It’s fossilized dino poop!  I’m not kidding!  Too bad we can’t retrofit dinosaurs with diapers!  They learn alot from studying corprolites, like what type of food did the dino eat an’ whether it was a meat eater like a T-Rex, or a plant eater like a Triceratops. Triceratops is my favorite Dinosaur.  And from analyzing a Triceratops corprolite they’ve  identified a plant from the Cretaceous period that produces a Sulphur compound called mercaptan.  And get this; it’s the same compound in asparagus that makes our pee stink! Can you imagine that when a Triceratops had to take a piss, which in all likelihood could fill a good sized hot tub… man, the smell  would clear the forest! Well, as I say… I am a Dinosaur guy, first an’ foremost!”

“I can see that.  Diapers on Dinosaurs?  You may be onto something.”