Everything Plantain

Posted on November 22, 2005 by Jim

 

Several years ago Doc Reid, a Grapes colleague at the time, and I would share our thoughts on life… a collection of things that would make us laugh & smile, make us wince… or could make us cry.

Perhaps it was while sharing a martini or two… his vodka, mine correctly made with gin, that we hatched an idea.  We would leave our headaches and worries behind, shed all worldly possessions that could not be put into two grips, and take ourselves down to Key West.  There, we would open a small saloon planted on the sand & spitting distance from the surf.

I would work the night shifts so that I could enjoy the sun by day… he would take the day shifts so he could carouse the night.

Today our paths have separated and Key West is a dream that has receded in my thinking.  The way I look at it… Key West is passe… a place filled with Ernest Hemingway wannabees.  PAH I say!

That dream has been replaced by another.

My thinking… it’s plantains!  Specifically, I have my eyes set on a desirable tract of land suitable for growing this incredible… this incredible… whatever-it-is.  Well, the way I figure it, whatever-it-is, is better than tofu… it has countless more uses, and the world demand for products made with this whatever-it-is, is about to explode!

Yes, yes… it looks like a banana.  But only close minded “Yankee Anglo’s” will see them that way.  Lesson #1, it’s not a fruit.  Lesson #2, it’s not a vegetable.  Lesson #3, I don’t know what it is… it may in fact be a vegetable or a fruit… maybe even both, that is, unless it is a “tuber” (whatever the hell that is).

Of these technicalities, I have no concern!  Where is your creativity, where is your vision forGodsakes?  Lookit this impressive product list presently in play or in development.

Plantain Jelly

Plantain Marmalade… identical to the above; but it just costs more… positive marketing potential for the upscale “plenty of money no brains” market.

Plantain Butter… costs more than peanut butter or margarine; but is better for you… don’t ask me why.

Plantain Tea… doesn’t taste good; but goes well with spicy Asian cuisine.

Plantain Pickles… Bigger is better!! “Is that a plantain in your pocket, or are ya glad to see me?”

Plantain Mustard… great on dogs.

Plantain Ketchup… same as mustard (different label); but better for burgers.

Plantain Mayonnaise… same as condiments noted above, waiting for labels to be printed.  Trader Joes in Darien has a standing order for 1000 cases.

Plantain Poultice… proven effective as a non-invasive treatment for a myocardial infarction… simply apply some to your chest in the heart area. Good-bye heart attack!  It’s also good for cleaning white walls on tires & removing rust from lawn furniture.

Plantain Accessories… presently available: lovely belts, wallets, vests & very expensive loafers (both in men’s and women’s… women’s are more expensive… duh!)

Plantain Shingles… they don’t work better… they just look better!

Plantain Papyrus…chop down trees for paper no more!  Although slightly stiffer than traditional paper, plantain papyrus doesn’t burn as easily.

Plantain Glue… This is referred to as the “crazy glue of the Yucatan“.  Very effective, don’t let it touch your skin or clothing, although small amounts can be added to New England clam chowder (miles better than traditional flour for thickening).

Plantain Condoms… I don’t think I have to elaborate.  Adios Trojans!

Plantain Cod Piece… sorry, I just had to put “cod piece” somewhere in my writing… this has been a three year dream finally fulfilled.

Well there you are… opportunities await… as does the attractive parcel of land I have selected in the hills of Litchfield, Connecticut.

“Everything Plantain”… it has a ring.  So friends, farewell “Slaving Wine Man”, hello “Aristocratic Plantation Plantain Planter” (or maybe just Plantation Man will do).

Oh my, Life is good!

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The Great Naretsky

Posted on November 17, 2005 by Jim

Streets change. I love looking at photographs turned to near “sepia” with age… photographs showing a familiar corner a 100+ years ago and then, in contrast, a photograph, crisper in detail, of the same corner today.

And if the difference is dramatic on a famous lane, the Champs Elysee par example, or Broadway, can you imagine how different it would be on a “little street” like Legion Avenue in New Haven?

Take any city of size in this country and there are “sections” or “neighborhoods”. Often these can relate to an ethnic base. Further, the very street name can designate the quarter. Grand Avenue is “Chinatown” in San Francisco, Arthur Avenue is “Little Italy” in the Bronx, Wooster Street is “Little Italy” in New Haven and Legion Avenue is the “Lower East Side” in New Haven… read that as Jewish.

As I say, streets can change. Legion Avenue as the nexus of Jewish life in New Haven no longer exists. Gone are the shops, businesses and residences that characterized this as a “Jewish neighborhood”.

But in the front half of the 20th Century, Legion Avenue was home to my Grandmother, Mommie Sophie’s Kosher meat market. It was also home to the small grocery store owned by Mommie Soph’s Sister and Brother-in Law, Saralei and Chaim (the same Chaim who Zachary is named for).

And probably no different than countless neighborhoods in other cities, and the “small streets” contained therein, there are personalities, men and women, who frequent those streets, who take on a life beyond their specific existence.

Welcome “Naretsky” to our story.

If he had a first name it is unknown to me. If it was his real name, as opposed to a nom de plume, say… it is unknown to me. In fact, until a few years ago, I didn’t know that Naretsky was a person… I thought that naretsky was a Yiddish adjective, or perhaps an adjective employed as a noun, that translated to messy, sloppy or filthy… or a filthy pig.

You see… in growing up, if Mommie Soph thought that my appearance was unsatisfactory (meaning that I would reflect poorly on the family & it would be a shanda), I was referred to as a “naretsky”. You know… “Look at you!! You’re a naretsky!!”

Apparently, Paul, 11 years my senior, was subjected to the same scrutiny. When I recently asked him about the term, he knew exactly what I was talking about. Lynn, on the other hand, was totally clueless. Now folks, my sister is sharp as a tack. The fact that she was unfamiliar with term can only mean one thing: Mommie Soph never thought she was “naretsky”.

When our Cousin, Ruthie Friedland (nee Danziger), current Family Historian, was called in to adjudicate the issue: “who or what is Naretsky?” her reply was clear — he was a filthy animal who hung around Legion Avenue.

Well… maybe he didn’t begin that way.

Naretsky came from an area that was referred to as the “Pale of Settlement.” This was land at the far western portion of the Tsar’s Empire, and it is where Jews were permitted to live. Naretsky came from a tiny village near Bialystock, in what would today be Poland.

His Father was a man of means… a local merchant for lumber and a collector of taxes on behalf of the Tsar. It would be because of the latter activity that Moishe Naretsky would be murdered and his wife raped in a local Pogrom conducted by citizens unhappy with paying taxes (they didn’t know about dumping tea into Boston Harbor, for example, as an alternate method of expressing civic unhappiness with the authorities).

Our Naretsky was not a man of business. He was a man of the “book”.

He would read the Talmud from the first light in the morn to the last fraction of light in the eve. He would do this without pause, taking no notice of food or drink or other personal considerations.

Now, one would think with all this study, Naretsky would be considered a man of great learning. A great man, other men seek out for advice and counsel.

And this is where the true sadness of Naretsky’s life emerges. It’s like a guy who spends hour after hour in the gym practicing foul shots, and for whatever reason, never becomes a good foul shooter.

Sadly, regardless of how much Naretsky studied, it could not turn him into a scholar. Regardless of the fervor of his pursuit, the goal of wisdom would elude his grasp.

While his wealthy Father was alive he did not have the weight of worldly concerns preying on him. He had the luxury to study… eating and bathing weren’t a priority.

His father gone, their fortune drained to a pittance, Mother soon gone to heart break, Naretsky took what remained of his meager possessions and traveled by rail across Poland to Bremerhaven. There, armed with the name of a cousin who lived in New Haven, United States of America, he booked passage to the modern land of “milk and honey”. He traveled “steerage class” (no shuffle board or “deck sports” there).

He made landfall at Ellis Island (just like Mommie Soph did), and then made his way to New Haven, Connecticut. Naretsky had no trade. Nor was he a man of great learning. Had he been a true scholar he would have enjoyed a sense of pride and self esteem, and also a small means of self support.

No. He was merely a simple mortal “trapped in a room” peopled by learned men; but lacking their razor sharp intellect and keen vision.

There would not be a morning where he would not awaken to say his devotions to open a chapter on a new day. But try as he might, he knew that he was no further along the path to the wisdom he sought.

He still had a disregard for worldly concerns… just as he had in the “Old Country”.

What is concern for appearance before the Mightiness of God on High? It is but a trifle to the Supreme and to one who believes!!!

******

“So, who are you calling Naretsky??”

“OK Mommie Soph… I’ll comb my hair…”

You know, on important things, you couldn’t fool Mommie Soph.

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LAUNCHcast

Posted on November 16, 2005 by Jim

I am not in the habit of endorsing products unless I can eat or drink them.  And I am even less likely to praise something that is part of a large enterprise.  So let’s pretend that I am real new to this internet stuff, and I thought “Yahoo” was something that cowboys shouted when they had to go to the bathroom.  

Well… you’re never too old to learn a thing or two.  It’s all a matter of surrounding yourself with the right people.  You know… George Steinbrenner has his baseball people who help him decide whether to give Alex Rodriguez 85 Million and the key to the executive john over the next 10 years.  

I have my music people.  So when one of my chief scouts (Zack) emailed me in June to “check out” Yahoo’s LAUNCHcast music feature… I had to pay attention… even though my initial reaction was Yahoo?  Isn’t that “The Man”?  

As I say… you’re never too old to learn a few things… even if it is from some rapscallion… and even if the rapscallion is your son.  He was not wrong.  If you love music you gotta love LAUNCHcast… and it matters not what type of music you love.  

The idea is to create your own “radio station” based on your personal musical preferences.  Step one is to establish a musical profile.  What type of music do you enjoy?  I am all over the lot: blues, classic rock, classical, Broadway & screen plays… and then you further select artists within the genre.  

Now it’s time to listen to music.  

Tunes start to come your way based on genres and artists that you have rated favorably.  When a song plays you see the title, the artist and the album.  Then you can rate each category — one star: it’s OK; two stars: I like it; three stars: I love it; four stars: can’t get enough; and a circle with the diagonal line in it: kill it for all time.  

Each time you rate music positively, you will get music from the same artist, or from the same album, or music that in some way relates to your likes… ferinstance… if you give Willie Dixon’s “Spoonful” three stars, LAUNCHcast will give you Howlin’ Wolf’s “Sitting on Top of the World.”  

Makes sense.  

Sometimes the songs seem a stretch for my musical preferences… but I figure it’s OK… give that song a quick “kill” (there is a skip button for your convenience) and move to the next tune.  

Meantime, after nearly six months of listening to my LAUNCHcast “radio station” I have been exposed to an ever increasing variety of artists and music… things I probably never would have picked “off the shelf”.  And the more I would rate, the more I would get.  It’s wonderful!  I love music…  

Today I get an exciting blend of music that I have rated, plus new things to rate.  

I sit in front of a computer nigh all day.  I think I would go nuts without music.  

Yes, LAUNCcast has my unqualified approval.  I am a full convert… and sometimes there is nothing more obnoxious as a convert, because we carry our new belief on a banner into battle against the non-converted… and we take no quarter.  

Just ask Sandy about this… I have not only put her into LAUNCHcast… I have made sure that my preferences are on her “radio station”… in my book, my musical book that is, trust only goes so far…  

And here for your consideration is the play list from my “radio station” this morning.  I have added a comment  here and there if the spirit moved me.  

P.S. I don’t answer the phone or email during Brandenburg Concerto #5 or Dire Strait’s “Sultan of Swing”.    

Bryan Adams; Flying **  

Peter, Paul & Mary; Leaving on a Jet Plane ****
I also rated this 4 stars with John Denver  

Deep Blue Something; Home newly rated *  

Bright Eyes; First Day of My Life **
probably liked the theme  

New Riders of the Purple Sage; Dirty Business ****
Off one of my favorite albums. Jerry Garcia on pedal steel.  

The Darkness; One Way Ticket (radio edit) newly rated ** 
I like the cow bell  

John Mellencamp; Suzanne and the Jewels ***  

Michael McGoldrick; Buain Na Choirce **
I am in my Celtic period.  It must be my heritage.  

Bad Company; Here comes Trouble newly rated **  

Matchbox 20; If You’re Gone ***  

Simon and Garfunkel; Cecilia ***  

Steve Miller Band; So Long Blues newly rated — this is a kill. 
Live track introducing band members and thanking the audience and saying goodnight  

Paul Simon; Mother and Child Reunion ****  

Sarah McLaughlan; World on Fire newly rated *  

Dire Straits; Romeo and Juliet ****  

Academy of St. Martin-in-the-Fields; Handel Suite #1 in F Adagio e Staccato newly rated ***  

Dave Mason; Shouldn’t Have Took More Than You Gave ****  

Marianne Faithfull; As Tears Go By newly rated ***
A great Stones’ tune, that she actually released first… I guess you get to do these things if you sleep with Keith Richard  

Trey Anastasio; Invisible newly rated *  

James Taylor; Shed a Little Light newly rated ***  

Justine Sane; The Critical Writing Assignment  newly rated 
This is a kill.  I think I could sing closer to key  

Phantom of the Opera; Wandering Child ***  

Neil Young; Cowgirl in the Sand ****
Off one of my favorite albums with Crazy Horse  

The Faders; No Sleep Tonight newly rated *  

Hot Tuna; Death Have No Mercy ****
Off a near perfect album  

Uncle Kracker; Drift Away ****
This has to be a new cover… I forgot who did the original; but I love this, too  

Traffic; Feelin’ Alright ****  

The Who; Overture ****
This is from the original Tommy… great instrumental  

The Shangri-La’s; Remember (Walkin’ in the Sand) **
I am not keen on these groups… but I dig this one… also I have a soft spot for “Leader of the Pack”  

Harry Belafonte; Pastures of Plenty newly rated **  

Clannad; Two Sisters **** more Celtic  

Blindfaith; Presence of the Lord ****  

Cream; Spoonful ****
I just saw them perform this Live in MSG!  

Madonna; Forbidden Love newly rated *  

Kinks; A Well Respected Man ****
Terrific group and a marvelous tune from their early days  

Andrea Bocelli; L’Ultimo Re ***
Dani tipped me on Bocelli 4+ years ago.  I thought he was a Renaissance painter.  Well, you know a Liberal Arts education only carries you to a certain point

Posted in Entertainment | Leave a comment

Comedy Watch

Posted on November 9, 2005 by Jim

 

I’m tipping my hat to Zack… he has ferreted out a hysterical piece written by some comedian (who I have never heard of… but it’s OK… there’s lots of stuff & folks that I haven’t heard of).

The piece included herein is an excursion into what Paul and I call the “keep the godamned jack syndrome”.

This carries my complete endorsement… although my critical acclaim won’t buy the guy (excuse me, the  comedian) a cup of coffee, not that he needs the financial help…

 

WHAT I WOULD BE THINKING ABOUT IF I WERE BILLY JOEL DRIVING TOWARD A HOLIDAY PARTY WHERE I KNEW THERE WAS GOING TO BE A PIANO.

 

BY MICHAEL IAN BLACK

 

I’m not doing it. I’m just not. I know I say the same thing every year, but this time I mean it—I am not playing it this year. Seriously, how many times can I possibly be expected to play that stupid song? I bet if you counted the number of times I’ve played it over the years, it probably adds up to, like, a jillion. I’m not even exaggerating. One jillion times. Well, not this year.

This year, I’m just going to say, “Sorry, folks, I’m only playing holiday songs tonight.” Yeah, that’s a good plan. That’s definitely what I’m going to do, and if they don’t like it, tough cookies. It’ll just be tough cookies for them.

But I know exactly what’ll happen. I’ll sit down, play a few holiday songs, and then some drunk jerk will yell out, “‘Piano Man,'” and everybody will start clapping, and I’ll look like a real asshole if I don’t play it.

I wonder if they’ll have shrimp cocktail.

Now that I think of it, it’s always Bob Schimke who yells out, “‘Piano Man.'” He does it every year. He gets a couple of Scotches in that fat gut of his, and then it’s, “Hey, Billy, play ‘Piano Man’!” That guy is such a dick. He thinks he’s such a big shot because he manages that stupid hedge fund. Big deal. He thinks because he used to play quarterback for Amherst that everybody should give a shit. I don’t. Who cares about you and your stupid hedge fund, Bob? That’s what I should say to him this year. I really should. I should just march right up to him and say, “Who cares about your stupid hedge fund, you dick?” Let’s just see what Mr. Quarterback has to say about that. And I know he made a pass at Christie that time. She probably liked it—that’s probably why she denied it even happened.

I’m such a loser.

Why do I even go to these parties? I mean, honestly, how many times do I need to see Trish and Steve and Lily and that creepy doctor husband of hers and all their rich Long Island friends? Although that Greenstein girl is nice. Maybe she’ll be there. What’s her name—Alison?

What if Alison asks me to play “Piano Man”? Then what? I’ve got to stick to my guns, that’s what. I’ll simply say, “Some other time.” Yeah, that’s good. Kind of like we’re making a date or something. And then at the end of the night when we’re all getting our coats, I’ll turn to her and say something like, “So when do you want to get together and hear ‘Piano Man’?” Oh man, that’s really good. That’s so smooth. After all, how is she going to say no? She’s the one who asked to hear it in the first place! Oh man, Billy, that is just perfect.

Maybe she’ll say something like, “How about right now?” Yeah. And maybe we’ll leave together. I can drive her back to my place and I can play her the stupid song and then maybe we’ll do it. I’d really like to do it with that Greenstein girl. How awesome would that be? Me leaving with Alison on my arm and Bob’s big fat stupid face watching us go. That would be too rich. I’d be real nonchalant about it, too—”See you later, Bob.”

Who am I kidding? She’d never go out with me. She was dating that actor for a while. What’s his name? Benicio? What kind of name is Benicio? A stupid name, that’s what kind. Hi, I’m Benicio. I’m so cool. I’m sooooo cool. I should start going by Billicio. I’m Billicio Del Joelio. I play pianolo.

Sing us a song, you’re the piano man …

Oh great. Now it’s in my head. Perfect. Now I have to walk around that stupid party with that stupid song stuck in my head all night.

Amherst sucks at football.

You know what I should do? I should just turn this car around and go home. Just pick up the phone and call them and tell them I ate some bad fish or something. Yeah, that’s what I should do. This party’s going to suck anyway. By the time I get there, all the shrimp cocktail will probably be gone anyway.

What am I going to do? Go through my entire life avoiding situations where somebody might ask me to play a song? I can’t do that. No, Billy, you’ve just got to grow yourself a sack and take care of business. And if that loudmouth Bob Schimke requests “Piano Man,” I just need to look him in the eye and tell him I’d be happy to play it for him just as soon as he goes ahead and fucks himself.

Who am I kidding? Of course I’m going to play it. I always play it. Probably the only reason half the people at that party even show up is to hear me play “Piano Man.” They probably don’t even like me. Not really. They just want to tell all their friends that Billy came and played “Piano Man.” Again. Like I’m the loser who’s dying to play it. Whatever.

Fine. I’ll do it, but not because they want me to, but because I want me to. I’m not even going to wait for them to ask. I’m going to march right in there and play the song and that’ll be that. I’m not even going to take off my coat first. Yeah. Let’s see what Bob has to say about that. I might even play it twice.

Posted in Ministry of Humor | Leave a comment