Advanced Joking

This joke is only available if you have previously completed the segments on “Accent Jokes”, “Jokes of the Southern Hemisphere” & the Seminar “Rubber Barf: Marvel of the 20th Century.”

Or… for those humor seekers who have not lost the collegiate spirit of dodging course requirements, you may read the enclosed only if pay a small indulgence (hey, it was good enough for the Renaissance Popes, it works for me, too).

Onward and upward… to the land of Ethnic Humor. And let me say, right away… if you can’t laugh at ethnic humor you may as well cash in your chips right now… you are probably the same type of person who thinks that someone who slips on a banana peel is not funny… further, you are probably leading a very unfulfilling life & have trouble ordering the right wine for dinner.

The important thing to remember about ethnic humor is that no group is sacred… everyone is open game. I am sure that if we try hard enough we can find many examples of folks who run counter to the stereotypes that provide the source for every ethnic joke… my point: why bother? Life is complicated as it is…

And, without further delay (because we all lead busy lives)…

 

A Pole was suffering horribly from a horrific case of constipation and went to see his Doctor. The Doctor prescribed suppositories.

A week later the Pole called the Doctor and said that he was still suffering, that the suppositories hadn’t produced the desired results.

“Have you been taking them regularly?” the Doctor asked.

“Of course I have!! What do you think I’ve been doing? Shoving them up my ass?”

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An Extra Day

I don’t remember when it happened. But one day the “powers that be” decided that there would be certain National Holidays celebrated on a Monday regardless of the calendar. Memorial Day would no longer be observed on May 30; but rather the last Monday in May.

Labor Day is always celebrated on the first Monday in September (so the authorities didn’t have to do anything with that Holiday). So we have two convenient bookends for the summer… Monday to Monday, so to speak… with the days of summer smiles and cookouts packed in between.

But it is the start and the finish to the season… the Mondays, the extra days… that fascinate me. Many folks work on Saturdays, so that a Monday off is a real treat… perhaps one of a handful of weekends over the course of a year that some can enjoy a real two day weekend… two days in a row.

What to do with an extra day?

Stay at home and chill? No. The place is too small to handle the extended family. Going to the Country Club is not an option (because we are not members of a club). Let’s take in a park. Go to one of our Public Places and share the day with family and friends. A place that offers open space to handle outdoor pursuits… a place that, for a variety of reasons, gives us more than if we remained at home.

Any number of spots in Connecticut would be perfect… it could be Calf Pasture Beach in Norwalk, Chatfield Hollow in Killingworth, or Southford Falls nestled between Southbury and Oxford.

A little bird told me to get to Southford Falls before noon on Memorial Day. And it was a good thing, the parking lot is tiny… probably appropriate for the size of the Park; but small nevertheless… Two of the available spaces are given over to a Sabrett Hotdog cart and a pick up truck with a freezer chock full of ice creams… the merchants are seated nearby in folding lounge chairs enjoying the sun. They don’t seem to be doing a lot of business. Most folks come to the park well provisioned for the day.

The Park is a small jewel… nature trails go off into the woods. The “Falls” are modest… a fraction of the size of Kent Falls in Litchfield. But no matter, the trail along the rocky site of the Falls twists in a gentle downward path, covered in shade trees with the bright sun occasionally breaking through and illuminating a rotting tree trunk or a moss covered boulder. The rush of the water racing thru the narrow defile covers most of nature’s other sounds; but the closeness of the path to the road means that a passing by motor cycle can interrupt the beauty of the moment.

We stroll amiably back towards the entrance and to the small pond and take up positions on a bench ready to survey the comings and goings of those folks ready to enjoy the sun of an extra day.

A sign on a nearby tree refers to the pond as a “trout park” and informs all anglers that the creel limit is two. On our way into the park we spotted the more serious anglers… the ones with suspendered waders, vests with more pockets than a billiard table & appropriate caps festooned with flies and such.

But by the time we had taken up our spot, the “serious” guys had well departed and now it was the turn of the fun and less serious.

I like what I see… two young boys I judge to be 7 and 13 are casting their lines with professional flicks of the wrist… their Mother also has a try & the father nearby seems to be coaching, or perhaps keeping an eye out for a more advantageous position for casting.

From a nearby bench the Grandparents proudly take in the scene, too. And soon they approach to put their two cents in. The younger boy is moved 20 yards further down the line. He has a strike; but the clever fish has made off with the bait and the boy has to return for “re-worming”. This latter task is done by his mother, who also murmurs some words of encouragement… and dad adds a ruff of the hair.

I know nothing of fishing… but a quick look around the pond shows that these boys are good… at the casting part anyway. A little girl across the way tries a cast and the line plunks 2′ from the bank… take heart little girl, that would be me, too.

But I am re-drawn to this multi-generational family. The boys begin to argue about 18″ of the bank that both consider to be the best from which to bag a trout. The matter is adjudicated by the dad and the older boy is sent 20 yards further down to the site of the original strike… meanwhile, his younger brother again casts his line far out. And re-casts, and yet again another time.

A strike! He plays the fish a bit, and then begins to bring him in. Sure enough. First of the day! And now the Grandparents hop to… a camera is retrieved from a satchel… a shot is taken… boy, squinting into the sun with a small fish displayed on his line… you would have thought he caught a marlin.

To his Grandparents he did.

Later they make their way to a picnic table that they had staked out in the shade. Lazily, they enjoy their picnic… small grill set with charcoal gets fired up, and kids in patient to get started break open the bag of chips… the table is chock full of containers bearing all the necessary components of a grand feast, I am sure.

Plenty of room to spread out… sit on folding chairs, stretch out on a blanket, run up the hillside to catch a frisbee… kick a soccer ball if you got one, soak in some sun, do a little fishing, have some lunch… just enjoy an extra day…

Home is wonderful, but with the sun in the sky, a summer day layed out before your feet, an extra day at that, there could have been no better place than Southford Falls.

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Art of the Joke: The Quickie

Here is a little known fact. Leo Tolstoy was a great story teller. Here was a great novelist who wouldn’t think of writing a book of less than 800 pages in length nor involving fewer characters than the town of Derby. But in his day, Tolstoy was known as the “charmer of the salon set.”

He perfected the short anecdote and would regale the fancy hoi polloi with amusing jokes and light hearted witticisms.

The reports in the social columns of the Moscow newspapers would be filled with things like…“and after the story, the Countess Andrushka had to flee the parlour to attend to her make-up…” or then there was this amusing tidbit, “Tolstoy then performed a perfect imitation of the Tsar when he was having gastric difficulty…”

So it should come as no surprise that, being a Russian History major and normally given over to writing things at great length… that I would still be able to master the art of the quickie, much the same way as the great Tolstoy was able to do.

Keep sending your checks in… I have my eye on a flat in South Beach and I am saving up for some acrylic light fixtures.

A young man was extolling the virtues of his beautiful fiancee. His friend exclaimed, “you can’t be serious about marrying her! For crying out loud she’s slept with every guy in Syracuse!!!”

The Bridegroom-to-be thought for bit and then muttered…”Geeze, Syracuse isn’t such a big town.”

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A Worthy Joke

Yep… the jokes are running like the bluefish in Long Island Sound. What can I say? Feast or famine I suppose. But as High Minister of Vulgar Jokes (a State Government Bureau, I might add… accountable to no one, not even the Governor… which would lead some to ask how did I get this appointment), I am on the look out for the best for my constituents in this State and beyond.

But as the Bard said, “Pride falleth before the man“… now in fact it may not have been the Bard who said that… it could have been the Bible, or some historical figure who spoke with a lisp… but I love to quote Shakespeare and as a consequence attribute at least 85% of the fancy things I say to him regardless of the accuracy.

Yes & now where was I? Oh yes… the only thing about this joke stuff is that with so much that flies across the internet it is hard to put something original out for distribution. That’s where the “pride” part comes into play… I don’t want you to think I am just the sort of guy who hits the “forward” button on jokes I receive (or in some other way steal) without adding my own flavouring…

Be assured that the following is funny… it comes from the Second Act of Shakespeare’s great Comedy As You Like It.

Enjoy!!

A young man, anxious for some sexual exercise, picked up a bombshell while strolling thru Central Park, unaware that she was a nymphomaniac. He took her to a nearby hotel.

And after six times she was still screaming for more. After the seventh, exhausted and spent, he slipped out of the room on the pretense of buying cigarettes.

He ducked into the men’s room in the lobby, unzipped his fly and couldn’t find anything.

In a panic he reached inside his boxers. His pride and joy was still there; but tiny and all drawn up. In a soothing voice he whispered, “It’s all right. You can come out now. She’s not here!”

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