URGENT (or nearly so)

Posted on April 28, 2004 by Jim

 

MOST KIND AND GRACIOUS SIR OR MADAME:

You do not know me (and then again maybe you do)… I learned of your kind existance through the miracles of the Internet and know you to be a kind, honest and most gracious human being who I can immediately trust with the most important and vital information.

It is a secret that has come into my possesion through my most esteemed and reverred father who has recently meant a most untimely demise. My Father of blessed memory was praying for world peace in a Holy Church when a Wurlitzer Organ fell on his head.

But before this most startling and unfortunate incident he shared with me the source of all great success which has been handed down from father to son for 100 generations in our family. And most kind and dear peerson (and I know that you are a God loving soul from all that is contained in the internet), I was most looking forward to handing this amazing formula to my sons forever and forever. And indeed, the pride of my loins would have received such said information and valuable instruction; but he was the victim of a beastly assault in bowling emporium, when an iritated sportsman, upset at missing a crucial spare in the 9th frame threw a bowling ball in a rage, not down the lane where it belonged; but rather into my son’s head… a mere 4′ away. The accident has left my son, and only heir in a coma lying there in an expensive hospital bed looking forward to a life of a persimmon.

And most kind and dear HUMAN BEING, that I know you to be, because of the most extensive and exhaustive reserach that I have done becauce of the wonderful world of the internet, I face insurmountable medical bills of the most dreadful and despicable sort… trying to sustain the dear and precisous LIFE of my son, who lies in a room without a window or view to sustain a part of him.

I must turn to you for help and valuable guidance and support. I only do so because of the due dilgence I have done on your character and know you to be a most sincere and caring human being.

My present medical bills and assorted other debts amount to $1,643,851.32 (in UNited States money). Every day the bill increses its ghastly sum, because the HOSPITAL says that it is doing the best for my lovely son and my only heir. So by the time you read this note, and arrange for the necessary financing and transfers lets call the amount of which I am in need a round $5,000,000.

While I know that you are a most kind and goodly hUamn being, with the highest regard and standing in your most dear community, I do not expect your wonderful efforts and generosity to come without reward or compensation. It is my most sincere desire and intention to give you the treasured secret for success that was given to me by my dear departed FATHER and his father before him (ad infinitum). This secret for ultimate success and untold wealth, which would have been given to my son and only heir if he did not look like a slice of pepperoni pizza, or to other sons if I had not tragically lost my penis in a boating accident making it impossible for me to produce additional heirs, I wish you to have. It is my fervent desire for you to put this special information to good use and only use it to create additional wealth so that you can enjoy a wonderful life and share your wonderful new happiness with all the needy people in the world.

It is easy for me to give you this because I know you are not greedy, but kind and supportive and generous (maybe to a fault), and I know this from the all knowing internet. And as a signal of utmost trust and faith which I have in you I am going to produce this ultimate secret for success and heavenly wealth in this letter before the transfer of funds to my numbered SWISS account. This is because I love you as a human being and trust you, and I know from all my research on the internet that you will not betray that trust.

THE SECRET OF MY FATHER, AND ALL THE FATHERS BEFORE HIM: BUY LOW, SELL HIGH… TELL NO ONE ELSE!!!

I am thanking you in advance, I remain respectfully and devotedly yours for the rest of my humble life,

Ipschwag Mnguni Cohen

swiss acct #04366703

Posted in Ministry of Humor | Leave a comment

How Wonderful the Mind

Posted on April 27, 2004 by Jim

I still marvel at the mind… the ability to weave ornate dreams… pasting together places that aren’t quite right with folks from different parts of our lives. Sure a pure plot or story line is missing… no clear beginning and certainly no distinctive conclusion… just a picture of something in mid-stream.

And my dream from last night was a pure gem… & I will write of it in just a bit; but first a story that took place a few hours before…

It was 8:30PM and time to call Christian Toft-Nielson. Christian is one of my best customers. I call him about once every 4-5 weeks. Always between 8:30PM and 9:00PM… this has given him a chance to eat dinner & attend to his kids, then he can listen to my wine story.

Typically our conversation will last no more than 10 minutes… in that time I will have introduced him to 2 or 3 different wines, and then I will make a recommendation of what to purchase. His range of purchase is $15 to $20 and he will buy 2 cases of red wine from me every time I call. Christian is European, and purely European in heart… wine for him is a “food” and not merely “alcohol”… he and his wife enjoy wine with every dinner (and with lunch on the weekends if they are home). Wine is not a “big deal”; but simply a part of enjoying life.

Occasionally he will buy some white wine for “self defense”… just to have on hand for the guest who only drinks white… or for the odd time he wants white for seafood. He buys white in what I call “extra dry martini proportions”: 8 cases of red to 1 case of white.

He also enjoys wine from every major wine growing region of the world. He is one of the easiest customers I have to sell… he never shies away from trying something he hasn’t heard of, or from exploring an untried region. He is in fact “tailor made” for my selling approach… I will pick out 2 wines that I find interesting without giving a moment’s thought as to whether it will squeeze into his palate preferences. “I’m not going to poison you Christian… give this wine a try”

I have sold him from the get-go… he has never returned a bottle.

Last night we visited Italy. Castlerapiti… a “Super Tuscan” from the ’95 Vintage. A classic blend of Sangiovese and Cabernet Sauvignon. And with a “95 Vintage the wine has had time to “soften” in the bottle… it’s drinking like a dream… “Christian, this is like getting a pair of pre-washed blue jeans”.

The second wine was Farnetella. This is my personal favorite Chianti. To get better than this I have to double the price and get a Riserva that I adore. But for the money, this is one of the finest red wines out there… definitely not the Chianti from my undergraduate days! This is a slam dunk… Christian bought this wine from me in an earlier vintage 3 years ago… and it would be time for him to get some more.

Simple. This part of the call lasted 5 or 6 minutes. “Christian, what I am going to recommend is a case of each and of course I will give you an added 5% discount”

“OK, Jim… sounds good”.

Now to be honest… that was nothing special. As I say, he buys two cases from me every time I call. So a 2 case sale is not so much a “sale” as taking an “order”. And as my Brother Paul would say… “a rhesus monkey can take an order”.

So sometimes I have to test my mettle. And with Christian it is adding a third case, or perhaps “stretching” him into high end wine. In the past I have pushed him into Bordeaux ’00, Brunello ’97 & Brunello ’99. Tonight I would press him into Burgundy ’02. Wines of extraordinary seductive appeal… wines that cannot be by-passed… hell, everyone knows that the reason Napoleon fled Moscow was because he ran out of Chambertin!

“Christian… one more thing before I let you go. It’s Burgundy ’02. These wines won’t be landing on the shore ’til next Fall and we have just bought them on Futures. Christian, ’02 is a Vintage of Historic quality in Burgundy… much like Bordeaux ’00, this is something that can not be missed… we are talking about a region where vintage quality is a fickle as a 6th grader… and we have at our hand wines that we will probably not be surpassed in our life time. Unfortunately, the excellence of the Vintage was created by a drought… a drought that brought a high level of fruit concentration & wonderful acid levels… but a tiny, tiny harvest. Wines will be impossible to get… which is why we have bought them on Futures… if we didn’t commit to wines now, then we wouldn’t have them to offer to our customers… and it is our position that none, none, of our customers should miss out on these wines. If you love Burgundy then you should be taking a “second” out on the house and buy cases of Burgundy… but as a wine lover, you have to get some. To miss out on Burgundy ’02 would be like closing your eyes during a meteor shower. Christian… you are one of my best customers, and I wouldn’t be doing you service if I didn’t tell you about these wines… and further I am not going to let you say ‘no'”.

We are over our normal 10 minute conversation. I gave him a listing of the Burgundies we had… and he asked me to email him the details and get back to him tonight.

We’ll see…

And this morning I had a pre-dawn visit. I can’t place the location. I think I am sitting on some sort of couch. Maybe “slouching” more than sitting. And I hear my Father’s voice from a different room, or outside?. I move to where I can see him better. He has a smile, big and broad… he has just laughed, or perhaps is ready to laugh again… he is waving good-bye to a customer… an older man (his contemporary) and his wife from Chicago… I recognize him but just can’t place his name… “It’s great to see ya… thanks for coming in… everything will be ready for your next visit… and next time I want you to bring some of the other guys with you!!!”

And then I am distracted… a customer comes into the room where I am sitting (or reclining) with one of our fitters… no it was not Charles, nor Alvin, nor Felice, nor August… someone else… and all I can think about is this fitter doesn’t know what the hell to do… and this customer looks like a real tough pain in the ass… who is it? My gosh… it is a grown up version of this kid Malcom who was a foreign exchange student in my 7th or 8th grade… a snotty little kid from England (I will have to ask Gary Moss) whose shirt cuffs were miles too long, and whose attitude was emblematic of why the British lost the Empire. I endured watching him being fitted… and then woke up to the cool night air on my arm.

So there you have it. “I haven’t completed the deal yet, Dad. I have to finish this note so I can get on to emailing Christian my Burgundy proposal. Email would be foreign to you… much the same way that you rejected zip codes & never got real comfortable with phone numbers that didn’t include names: Murray Hill 7-0850. What can I say? It’s a new world… but somethings are the same. The lessons you taught Paul, Alan & me still ring true. Never close a sale…”

It seems like yesterday. A week short of 21 years ago, I sold John B. Rogers $22,000 worth of clothes on the Eve or your passing. Tonight I will sell Christian some great Burgundy.

Keep smiling.

Posted in Life | Leave a comment

In the Paddock: Making a Difference

Posted on March 23, 2004 by Jim

So I’m behind the times. My kids point this out to me all the time. I don’t watch TV, I don’t know the latest films, don’t know the “stars” or trends… it took me only a month to figure out that the Paris Hilton sex tapes didn’t involve a sex escapade in a suite of a hotel in France.

Oh well…

I had the good luck to finally catch up a bit with the rest of the world and took in Sea Biscuit. Good Film. And to everyone who said it… you were right.

There was a line from the film that struck a deep chord… “You don’t throw a life away just because it’s banged up a little.”

So whose life is not banged up a little? Who do you know who doesn’t suffer from the nicks and bruises of every day life? Or maybe worse? Or in someway feels physically or emotionally less than whole? Maybe you do?

Yes, Sea Biscuit is a good film. It is uplifting to witness the horse’s spirit acting as a source of healing for the lives of the owner, the trainer & the jockey. The horse Sea Biscuit made a difference.

Did you see the movie? Did it make you feel good? Oh, yes you should.

We are all precious. Banged up a little? Yeah, maybe. Hard not to be. So don’t cast too critical an eye across the table at your neighbor… nor think that the knocks that we feel on this side of the table are somehow unique.

I think we’re all banged up just a bit… some more than others. And some can take it better than others. Our lives are just too precious. Let’s not throw them away. Not our friends, not our family… not ourselves. Don’t let it happen.

We can make a difference… we can make a difference.

Posted in Life | Leave a comment

Hand

Posted on March 14, 2004 by Jim

My Aunt Tiny sent a B&W photograph to Lynn. At 95 years young, Tiny stumbled on the photo and thought that Lynn would get a kick out of it.

I have seen the photo many times before & I believe it is part of a marvelous 3D montage that Alan made and graces the wall of their “teddy bear & family museum room”.

The picture is of Mom & Dad sitting in their brand new 1952 MG TD… top down… in front of Buckingham Palace. There is a Grenadier of Guards and three casual strollers in the background. Mom is wearing a light coloured suit, black hair worn shorter than I remember it & a hat (boy do I love women wearing hats). Dad is wearing a dark coloured suit coat or perhaps a blazer, and from the angle of the shot you can clearly see his ever present silk foulard pocket square peeking out from his breast pocket. They both sport easy smiles… not one of those huge smiles that’s mid-flight to a laugh, no just simple smiles of warmth or of a sunny day. They were both 40 when the shot was taken… back on Orange St. in New Haven I would have been 2.

Alan has lovingly returned the MG to, as we say, mint condition. He has changed the colour from its original Fire Engine Red to British Racing Green. Nostalgia aside, I prefer the Green.

As I say, I have seen the photo numerous times… I do love it. But what makes this photo more special is the inscription written to Tiny on the back in Mom’s distinctive cursive style…

“London 1952

She rides like a top.
She has 4 shifts.
You’ll love her —

Love, Sid + Eve”

Not an inspirational message… no poetry. But I am drawn to Mom’s handwriting… it’s like an unexpected visit… handwriting is very much like a voice… it conveys more than words, it conveys emotion at different level. It is a unique expression. It’s a shame. We have become PC & Email dominated. I do a fair amount of writing, virtually all of it on a PC… and while I do my best to project my feelings thru my words, there is still a small piece missing… my handwriting… the uniqueness of the hand that put the words down on paper is missing.

The photo I love… but this morning I have turned the photo to the reverse side so I can see Mom’s hand.

Posted in The Small Pictures | Leave a comment