French Ploughman’s Lunch

The advert caught my eye, it read, “Dine Like Royalty… Five Courses of Food & Seven Wines”. Sounds like something that you have to get dressed up in uncomfortable clothes for… and then spend the evening worrying about whether you’ve picked up the right fork.

Still it intrigued. Champagne to start… when I was 12 my Father told me to buy low and sell high. At the same age my Mother told me that pearls went with everything. Champagne must be the liquid eqivilent of pearls… A Gavi from Italy follows, paired with Sauteed Jumbo Shrimp with fresh dill, shallots, mascarpone & American Caviar… I love dill… then an Alsatian Gewurztraminer served with the Chili Marinated Pork Tenderloin… hmmm Gewurztraminer, the misunderstood white wine… A Spanish Red from Montsant to accompany the Roasted Loin of Venison… I would be in Heaven… 2 Aussie Cabernets with the Cheese course… this is the best way to showcase wine… and finally a unique Spanish Desert wine — Monastrell served with a Warm Almond Tart on Chocolate & Raspberry Sauces… yeah, just like eating at home… if you live in Buckingham Palace.

OK… so that’s how the Aristocracy dines. Pretty good, nice to think about. I guess I am from the “Loaf of Bread, Jug of Wine and Thou” School… a bit simpler; but just as sensual.

I think I discovered “French Ploughman’s Lunch” when we first went to the Napa some 30+ years ago. We would hit a couple of Wineries in the morning, buying a bottle from one as the lunching hour neared… then we would stop at some Deli and provision out… crusty French Bread, 2 or 3 cheeses, some sausage and fruit. Next, find a grassy spot that offered some shade. And then a lazy lunch, dining on our rustic fare and enjoying a great bottle of wine.

Today, I get dressed up every now and then. I get to eat fancy, too. But I think there is nothing that satisfies me more than the ease of ploughman’s lunch, of sharing it with someone special, of simply celebrating the joy of living.

My latest excursion took me to the Hills of Connecticut. I would be responsible for the Wine and she would take care of the rest. I chose a bottle of Samur Champaigny from the Loire. It’s 100% Cabernet Franc, a perfect Red for the warm weather, it begs for sunshine and never fails to produce a smile. Our destination was a shady spot by the banks of Lake Waramaug that we favored. At the last minute we stopped into Hopkins Winery to add a bottle of their chilled Estate Chardonnay to our feast.

We make our way to a grassy spot nestled between a few stately trees and spread the blanket. I open the Chard and pour us glasses… discreetly. We were violating the prohibition of drinking alcohol in the Park. I decided that the prohibition was directed to beer drinking teenagers, or perhaps adults who drive around with shotguns in their pick-ups, not for responsible folks over 40. Anyway, I adhered to the European concept that wine was food and not alcohol. Enjoy the Chard!

The sacks and bags of food are unwrapped and put out the paper bags they came in (sorry, those wicker baskets with plates and cloth napkins are too premeditated)… a perfect baguette, French Port Salut, Havarti with Dill (she knows that I adore it), some hard cheese (I forget which one), proscuitto, country pate, mozzerella & sundried tomatoes in olive oil (perfect for baguette dunking), large strawberries and red flame grapes (the kind that crunch when you bit into them).

I marvel… “Well Miss Green Eyes, you’ve outdone yourself this time. This is better than the picnic the Water Rat prepared for the Mole in Wind in the Willows!” I give compliments in strange ways.

I couldn’t be happier. Shoes off, feet being tickled by the grass, blue sky, a slight chop to the Lake, a canopy of leaves above us, and, with apologies to Billy Joel, a bottle of red, a bottle of white. The afternoon drifts by, not too hurried, the wines have never been better, nor the Harvarti more enjoyble, nor her eyes more beautiful.

Dine Like Royalty. I did… in Litchfield County, Connecticut. And the Queen of England couldn’t have had a finer repast.

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For Us Moms & Dads

These circulated emails are a bit vexing… and for those who know me, I typically don’t like passing these things along. More than anything else it is a wound to my creative pride… “Why couldn’t I think of that?” or “Gee… that really is clever, I should have thought of it first…”

And another thing… for you email/PC junkies out there (and I love you all), it’s hard to believe, given my general slowness, that you haven’t already seen what I am sending…

So be it… Anyway, my friend and colleague extraordinaire, Mr. Euro Holt, forwarded me this… very funny stuff for a guy who graduated from Brown and who thinks that Eastern European women are attractive.

I pass it along to you with my seal of approval.

Love to you all… and where appropriate Happy Mother’s Day.

 

A mother enters her daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With a terrible premonition, she reads it with trembling hands:

Dear Mom:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. He is so nice, but I know you would never approve of his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it’s not only that, Mom, I’m pregnant. Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams. I’ve learned that marijuana doesn’t hurt anyone, and we’ll be growing it for us and his friends. They promise to provide us with all the cocaine and Ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we’ll pray for science to find the cure for AIDS so Ahmed can be well again. He deserves it. Please don’t worry, Mom. I’m 16 now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I’ll visit so you can meet your grandchildren.

Your daughter,
Judith

PS: Mom, it’s not true. I’m at the neighbor’s house.
I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the report card in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

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URGENT (or nearly so)

 

MOST KIND AND GRACIOUS SIR OR MADAME:

You do not know me (and then again maybe you do)… I learned of your kind existance through the miracles of the Internet and know you to be a kind, honest and most gracious human being who I can immediately trust with the most important and vital information.

It is a secret that has come into my possesion through my most esteemed and reverred father who has recently meant a most untimely demise. My Father of blessed memory was praying for world peace in a Holy Church when a Wurlitzer Organ fell on his head.

But before this most startling and unfortunate incident he shared with me the source of all great success which has been handed down from father to son for 100 generations in our family. And most kind and dear peerson (and I know that you are a God loving soul from all that is contained in the internet), I was most looking forward to handing this amazing formula to my sons forever and forever. And indeed, the pride of my loins would have received such said information and valuable instruction; but he was the victim of a beastly assault in bowling emporium, when an iritated sportsman, upset at missing a crucial spare in the 9th frame threw a bowling ball in a rage, not down the lane where it belonged; but rather into my son’s head… a mere 4′ away. The accident has left my son, and only heir in a coma lying there in an expensive hospital bed looking forward to a life of a persimmon.

And most kind and dear HUMAN BEING, that I know you to be, because of the most extensive and exhaustive reserach that I have done becauce of the wonderful world of the internet, I face insurmountable medical bills of the most dreadful and despicable sort… trying to sustain the dear and precisous LIFE of my son, who lies in a room without a window or view to sustain a part of him.

I must turn to you for help and valuable guidance and support. I only do so because of the due dilgence I have done on your character and know you to be a most sincere and caring human being.

My present medical bills and assorted other debts amount to $1,643,851.32 (in UNited States money). Every day the bill increses its ghastly sum, because the HOSPITAL says that it is doing the best for my lovely son and my only heir. So by the time you read this note, and arrange for the necessary financing and transfers lets call the amount of which I am in need a round $5,000,000.

While I know that you are a most kind and goodly hUamn being, with the highest regard and standing in your most dear community, I do not expect your wonderful efforts and generosity to come without reward or compensation. It is my most sincere desire and intention to give you the treasured secret for success that was given to me by my dear departed FATHER and his father before him (ad infinitum). This secret for ultimate success and untold wealth, which would have been given to my son and only heir if he did not look like a slice of pepperoni pizza, or to other sons if I had not tragically lost my penis in a boating accident making it impossible for me to produce additional heirs, I wish you to have. It is my fervent desire for you to put this special information to good use and only use it to create additional wealth so that you can enjoy a wonderful life and share your wonderful new happiness with all the needy people in the world.

It is easy for me to give you this because I know you are not greedy, but kind and supportive and generous (maybe to a fault), and I know this from the all knowing internet. And as a signal of utmost trust and faith which I have in you I am going to produce this ultimate secret for success and heavenly wealth in this letter before the transfer of funds to my numbered SWISS account. This is because I love you as a human being and trust you, and I know from all my research on the internet that you will not betray that trust.

THE SECRET OF MY FATHER, AND ALL THE FATHERS BEFORE HIM: BUY LOW, SELL HIGH… TELL NO ONE ELSE!!!

I am thanking you in advance, I remain respectfully and devotedly yours for the rest of my humble life,

Ipschwag Mnguni Cohen

swiss acct #04366703

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How Wonderful the Mind

I still marvel at the mind… the ability to weave ornate dreams… pasting together places that aren’t quite right with folks from different parts of our lives. Sure a pure plot or story line is missing… no clear beginning and certainly no distinctive conclusion… just a picture of something in mid-stream.

And my dream from last night was a pure gem… & I will write of it in just a bit; but first a story that took place a few hours before…

It was 8:30PM and time to call Christian Toft-Nielson. Christian is one of my best customers. I call him about once every 4-5 weeks. Always between 8:30PM and 9:00PM… this has given him a chance to eat dinner & attend to his kids, then he can listen to my wine story.

Typically our conversation will last no more than 10 minutes… in that time I will have introduced him to 2 or 3 different wines, and then I will make a recommendation of what to purchase. His range of purchase is $15 to $20 and he will buy 2 cases of red wine from me every time I call. Christian is European, and purely European in heart… wine for him is a “food” and not merely “alcohol”… he and his wife enjoy wine with every dinner (and with lunch on the weekends if they are home). Wine is not a “big deal”; but simply a part of enjoying life.

Occasionally he will buy some white wine for “self defense”… just to have on hand for the guest who only drinks white… or for the odd time he wants white for seafood. He buys white in what I call “extra dry martini proportions”: 8 cases of red to 1 case of white.

He also enjoys wine from every major wine growing region of the world. He is one of the easiest customers I have to sell… he never shies away from trying something he hasn’t heard of, or from exploring an untried region. He is in fact “tailor made” for my selling approach… I will pick out 2 wines that I find interesting without giving a moment’s thought as to whether it will squeeze into his palate preferences. “I’m not going to poison you Christian… give this wine a try”

I have sold him from the get-go… he has never returned a bottle.

Last night we visited Italy. Castlerapiti… a “Super Tuscan” from the ’95 Vintage. A classic blend of Sangiovese and Cabernet Sauvignon. And with a “95 Vintage the wine has had time to “soften” in the bottle… it’s drinking like a dream… “Christian, this is like getting a pair of pre-washed blue jeans”.

The second wine was Farnetella. This is my personal favorite Chianti. To get better than this I have to double the price and get a Riserva that I adore. But for the money, this is one of the finest red wines out there… definitely not the Chianti from my undergraduate days! This is a slam dunk… Christian bought this wine from me in an earlier vintage 3 years ago… and it would be time for him to get some more.

Simple. This part of the call lasted 5 or 6 minutes. “Christian, what I am going to recommend is a case of each and of course I will give you an added 5% discount”

“OK, Jim… sounds good”.

Now to be honest… that was nothing special. As I say, he buys two cases from me every time I call. So a 2 case sale is not so much a “sale” as taking an “order”. And as my Brother Paul would say… “a rhesus monkey can take an order”.

So sometimes I have to test my mettle. And with Christian it is adding a third case, or perhaps “stretching” him into high end wine. In the past I have pushed him into Bordeaux ’00, Brunello ’97 & Brunello ’99. Tonight I would press him into Burgundy ’02. Wines of extraordinary seductive appeal… wines that cannot be by-passed… hell, everyone knows that the reason Napoleon fled Moscow was because he ran out of Chambertin!

“Christian… one more thing before I let you go. It’s Burgundy ’02. These wines won’t be landing on the shore ’til next Fall and we have just bought them on Futures. Christian, ’02 is a Vintage of Historic quality in Burgundy… much like Bordeaux ’00, this is something that can not be missed… we are talking about a region where vintage quality is a fickle as a 6th grader… and we have at our hand wines that we will probably not be surpassed in our life time. Unfortunately, the excellence of the Vintage was created by a drought… a drought that brought a high level of fruit concentration & wonderful acid levels… but a tiny, tiny harvest. Wines will be impossible to get… which is why we have bought them on Futures… if we didn’t commit to wines now, then we wouldn’t have them to offer to our customers… and it is our position that none, none, of our customers should miss out on these wines. If you love Burgundy then you should be taking a “second” out on the house and buy cases of Burgundy… but as a wine lover, you have to get some. To miss out on Burgundy ’02 would be like closing your eyes during a meteor shower. Christian… you are one of my best customers, and I wouldn’t be doing you service if I didn’t tell you about these wines… and further I am not going to let you say ‘no'”.

We are over our normal 10 minute conversation. I gave him a listing of the Burgundies we had… and he asked me to email him the details and get back to him tonight.

We’ll see…

And this morning I had a pre-dawn visit. I can’t place the location. I think I am sitting on some sort of couch. Maybe “slouching” more than sitting. And I hear my Father’s voice from a different room, or outside?. I move to where I can see him better. He has a smile, big and broad… he has just laughed, or perhaps is ready to laugh again… he is waving good-bye to a customer… an older man (his contemporary) and his wife from Chicago… I recognize him but just can’t place his name… “It’s great to see ya… thanks for coming in… everything will be ready for your next visit… and next time I want you to bring some of the other guys with you!!!”

And then I am distracted… a customer comes into the room where I am sitting (or reclining) with one of our fitters… no it was not Charles, nor Alvin, nor Felice, nor August… someone else… and all I can think about is this fitter doesn’t know what the hell to do… and this customer looks like a real tough pain in the ass… who is it? My gosh… it is a grown up version of this kid Malcom who was a foreign exchange student in my 7th or 8th grade… a snotty little kid from England (I will have to ask Gary Moss) whose shirt cuffs were miles too long, and whose attitude was emblematic of why the British lost the Empire. I endured watching him being fitted… and then woke up to the cool night air on my arm.

So there you have it. “I haven’t completed the deal yet, Dad. I have to finish this note so I can get on to emailing Christian my Burgundy proposal. Email would be foreign to you… much the same way that you rejected zip codes & never got real comfortable with phone numbers that didn’t include names: Murray Hill 7-0850. What can I say? It’s a new world… but somethings are the same. The lessons you taught Paul, Alan & me still ring true. Never close a sale…”

It seems like yesterday. A week short of 21 years ago, I sold John B. Rogers $22,000 worth of clothes on the Eve or your passing. Tonight I will sell Christian some great Burgundy.

Keep smiling.

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